CNN Weather or Not is
Nairobi in Ethiopia?

The weathermen and women at the famed Cable News Network in U.S.A seem to have got it all wrong about the location of Nairobi City in my beloved country. It seems that their geographical database always places the city in Ethiopia. I guess that’s why the Kenyan government located General Mathenge’s (ex-Mau Mau Freedom fighter) imposter in the same country.

  Oops, the Rapture might have already happened

A few days ago I was awoken by silence, too much silence. It was the ungodly hour of 3a.m, which is said to be the peak hour for the Devil’s network. Strangely, I was not sweating and everything was coldly still. My cell phone suddenly felt like good company. I pushed a button and it lit up to life but its unearthly brightness struck a chord within me.

The rapture might have already occurred.

Earlier, before I went to bed I was sent to the shops and met some of my friends. Within no time, I was entangled in their web of vibe about 24, Prison Break, Heroes etc. An hour passed by and when I finally got back home my parents were relieved. My dad went on to talk about several friends and relatives who disappeared without a trace. Some time ago my cousin left home for work and never came back later a friend of my dad underwent a similar fate.

The Bible says that the Christ will come for his chosen like a thief in the night. One by one people might be disappearing. They simply vanish into the earth’s thick fog and smog. Who said the rapture will take place at once? God’s time is different from human time (GMT, CAT etc). Enoch from the Bible, who ‘walked with God until he was no more’…might have been the first candidate!

Most silly logic

Gentle Blue detergent in their radio ad claims that since its wash results in improved and enhanced bright colors, the kids will in turn be bright (and they were not referring to their clothes but brains).

Funniest

The ad is based on the presently common mode of catching a lover cheating; simply call a radio station and request the presenter to call the cheat. The accused will sleekly be lured into the verge of admitting that the estranged girlfriend is not really ‘the number one’ and voila!

As the ad begins, a pastor accuses the husband of constantly talking of breasts and thighs. The former perfectly brings out a heavily Kikuyu influenced English accent as the betrayed wife sobs. Then the accused finally admits that he was only speaking about chicken.

The ad is credited to Kenchic.

 Watching paint dry

The current Safaricom ad is long, has an irrelevant British hymn soundtrack, no message (just scenic shots of different parts of Kenya) and is aired constantly before the 7 O’clock news. This qualifies its comparison to watching paint dry or more boring.

PS: There is actually a website that displays drying paint.

The water is taking a bath

When you bath with clean water you clean yourself -when you accidentally dip yourself in dirty water you are actually cleaning the water!

I love sitting on the bench

Arsenal got the bragging rights for the English Premiership Season after defeating arch rivals Manchester United. Die-hard fans in Kenya celebrated so maniacally that I mistakenly assumed that Thierry Henry and Van Persie had dished out cash to them.

This inspired the odd thought that the judiciary is the only place where sitting on the bench is revered. Ask Justice Aganyanya who was recently cleared of corruption charges by a tribunal. All the judges who appealed against their suspension in the government’s Radical Surgery of the Judiciary have so far been cleared.

There will be a vacancy for a new surgeon in Dec2007!

There are several  X-men and this time it’s not about the rising Kenyan oil prices like the last time that Bugzzalot bugged the offices. We’ve been snooping around (Githongo mode) and were recently at a King’s palace. This is how it went down:

X1: E…Ehh. So how has it been since you toog over?

X2: Hao waliniwacha. Eti now they have formed a different alliance.

X1: You know I had almost the same broplem 9 years ago

X2: What do you suggest I do with the mpumbafus.

 X1: Divide and gonguer. Hii mambo ni rahiziX2: Sasa (licks his lips) tutafanya nini kwa sababu hata Malkia alishindwa. 

X1: Nigo na my right hand man who’s totally a man.

X2: I had to cut off my right hand for a while but they will be back.

X1: Don’t worry you can use my guy.

X2: (Excited and after several lip licks) That’s what I like to hear.

X1: We’ll regisder my right hand sinze he has peen struggling to rule the obbosing armies.

X2: That’s why they call you POPs…The Professor of Politics.

X1: Charlie JoJoo anataka pia kuwasidia. I saw a movie with my daughter called Charlie’s Angels. Those three should be Odinka, Galonzo and the young poy known as Kachoga…. Ha Ha Ha Hee!

X2: Ha Ha Ha ha Ha Ha Haaa Hee!

X1: My young poy is trying to disresbect me. Well I’ll teach him a few more lessons.

X2: Yeah, Professor. Wapumbafu wote.

 OH…CLOEY

This recording was too depressing so Bugzzalot managed to hook up a date with the feisty computer whiz Cloey of 24 series at a prestigious 5-moon kibanda.

Bugzzalot: Hi

Cloey: Hi (looking uncomfortable) Can’t you pull out a….a chair.. I mean a bench for me.

(I rush to do so)

Cloey(C): Stop no need. You already lost the opportunity.

Bugzzalot(B): No, I don’t think so. A date with you is the opportunity of a lifetime.

C: (Blushes but quickly gives me the dagger eyes) What’s with the service here? Couldn’t you find a restaurant that can actually be tracked by satellite?

B: Ah… can you do that?

C: You are hopeless. This is what I do in my sleep. (Removing a laptop from her mini-briefcase and hooking it up to the Internet wirelessly)

B: I’m sorry that you’re disappointed but this is all I could afford.

C: Apology accepted but I think you are very cheap.

B: And you are very expensive walking around with the Internet only a laptap away.

C: Do you do anything apart from irritating ears? (She says while tapping away at her keyboard)

B: I’m a blogger.

C: I’ve killed a man and hacked into…. Well, you’re not given access to that information. So blogging is pretty dumb.

B: (Silence)

C: You know talking is required at a date.

B: Hmm… I’m sorry but you don’t make it any easier (She seems not to hear this).

C: I’ve tracked down a good restaurant here but I think I’ll go alone.

B: I love what you do (I try to salvage a breaking date).

C: I also do but I don’t go bragging about it. Can we change the subject?

B: Ummm…you know I think you can help me hack into the Kenyan State House network to see how politicians really think. I need more hits for my blog.

C: I already did. I was looking for…that’s classified. Some of them just play stupid. You should just drive me to the restaurant I want.

B: I don’t have a D.L.

(Just then, her cell phone rings)

C: Sorry. It’s Jack. You need to leave.

B: Me it’s supposed to be you. Si you have a restaurant to go to.

(Her hands extend menacingly towards me and she bangs my head on the table. The next thing I remember is being woken up by the kibanda manager. She shows me a note that Cloey left-“I did not enjoy our date but you can track me via satellite if you want me to hack into a worthwhile system like the Pentagon”. Of course I don’t know how to do this but I’ll learn!)

TV Anchors Galore

• Julie Gichuru is losing weight
• Catherine Kasavuli is finally beginning to age after 20 years of remaining at 20 years of age.
• There are mzungu and muhindi reporters in NTV at 9
• Robert Nagila is the new Sherlock Holmes. He partly unraveled the Michuki Raid mystery and was on the scene to cover the recent Tear Gas Massacre at Kamukunji Grounds featuring Hon. Raila and cronies. He even has a British accent.
• KBC Channel 1 now has the flyest TV anchors.
• Ahmed Dharwesh is showing the potential of fitting in Swaleh Mdhoye’s shoes. If only he narrated his grandpa’s stories. Mmmmmmmmmm…
• Mwanaisha Chidzuga’s head needs more space in the small screen.
• Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches (B-Double R) Labs are writing a thesis on Jamila Mohamed’s head. It is developing into a sweet perfect sphere. It’s a proven scientific principle that perfect spheres are only formed in absolute vacuums.

Kenyan Crips and Bloods

Taliban vs. Mungiki is developing into the Bloods vs. Crips of the ganglands of U.S ‘projects’. Soon we’ll see real Kenyan gangsta rappers Mchezo (The Game) and Mbwa Anachungulia (Snoop Dogg).

Like Wify Like Huzzie

Forget the mpumbafu era by President Kibaki, President…oh sorry Mama Lucy (The First Lady) said that opposition party of ODM-Kenya were not properly brought up by their parents in a recent public event.

“ODM hawakulewa vizuri (na wazazi),” she uttered.

Me no have a car but the oil kampus are ripping Kenyans off. I suppose the X-Men behind all this are laughing till they cry all the way to the bank! The Bugzzalot Eavestech team was recently on a dangerous mission to uncover what goes on in the boardrooms of Kenyan Oil Execs…

 X1: Stupid Kenyans. They do not want to look for alternative energy. They have white elephant projects to search for oil that is never drilled.

X2: L’Stupides ha ha ha hee hee hee! The government cannot touch us. They already liberalized the industry. Watangoja! Tutaipunguza cent by cent.

X1: But we don’t control this stuff. It’s the international CEOs.

(Pin drop silence for about 5 seconds)

X1 and X2: PSSS-HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE!

X2: Don’t they see that the price has been dropping?

X1: Hey, the media isn’t helping at all. Lakini Kimunya ana mumunya tu. They can’t touch us.  He has sweet words but we shall do it slow like they do with corruption. I’m riding dirty like the new rappist on TV. I heard my kid singing the other day.

X2: They are called rappers. Kadogo told me when we were mmmmmm. He he he heee…we rode dirty!

X1: The German guy in the
Northern Kenya wants to start a Bio-Diesel plant. That will give L’Stupides an alternative.

X2: Before that time we’ll treat Kenyans like sheep. Fleece them till they are naked.

X1: True. We’ll be helping them. It’s been hot lately after all.

X2:  Owning a car is becoming a burden like my wife. Its no longer hot any more unless its pimped up by Moha or the ‘Nip/Tuck’ plastic surgeons of KTN.

X1: Moha who the f*** is Moha?

(The phrase is sang the tune of ‘Who the f*** id Alice?’ rock single.)

X2: A Somali refugee who might just be a threat to Kenya.

X1: O’yeah. I heard that the Somali Islamic Courts want to raid Kenya.

X2: L’Stupides! They think that we have oilo.

X1: No, they think that Somali is Kenya and Kenya is Somali.

X2: Then they’ll name our country Ken-Somaia or Pattnistan

X1: Or Kiraitustan. The NARC-Kenya symbol will be miraa badala ya maua.

X2: And instead of the three-finger salute it will be the middle finger and a spit!

X1: I wonder why Somali is not green with all that water from the spit.

X2: Hey, I have a Somali trader friend who sells diluted petroleum oilo. Do not offend them. They are shrewd businessmen like us.

X1: That rhymes with crude businessmen. We are from the same school of thought.

X2: That school is pretty boring. I went to the school of money.

X1: So what next after Oil Fleecing?

X2: We buy shares at KPLC and hire new generators that use petroleum. Stories of Olkaria having the potential of generating enough electricity for Kenya and its neighbours will be gone.

X1 and X2: PSSS-HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE!

Names of people to whom greetings are directed to on air-salaams.

Adui wa mbao (Enemy of wood or 20 bob coin?)

Mjukuu wa yesu (Not son of Jesus/ God, but the grandson!)

 Heard in a
Kenyatta University Chemistry Lecture

  “You saw the path of light but didn’t see it.” This was while a lecturer was explaining the Quantum Theory of Atoms.

Funniest Comedy goes to Vioja Mahakamani. The ‘Friends’ or ‘Two and a Half Men’ sitcoms do not stand a chance against characters such as Makokha, the Masaai who gives directions to his home with phrases such as “Ukikuja vunjika mkono kwa hii corner” and the judge who maintains a straight face amid crazy antics by the two.

Most Commercial News goes to NTV’s news at 9. This award goes to the news that is best summarized yet operates in a fun movie like theme to attract mafans. Which other news shows uncensored pictures of the Zulu Virginity test ceremony or presents the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the format of the 24 award winning drama series?

Eye pleasing News: when the cute dimpled, megawatt smile Ms.Lilian Muli presents KTN’s weekend news of course!

  The greatly suspenseful The Grid mini-series is currently being aired on NTV. Not once but twice NTV has repeated an episode. This is the most annoying act by a T.V station.   

The MotorRAZR cellphone ad is funny but at one time it was brought 3 times in a span of five minutes during the commercial break of the 7 o’clock KTN Swahili News. It is a major Time Waster. It also earns the award of Most Irrelevant TV ad. Who wants to have a cell that can cut through the trouser pockets or can slit your chest in the case of pips who love hanging the cells from their necks?

Shrubz pt.1

Neighbor: Umeona Silas?

Me: (With a quizzical look) Silas?

Neighbor: (With an equally quizzical look)
E Eeeh, Silas.

Me: Mmmmh, oh! Cyrus!

I am sure that you have heard of the joke that a kleptomaniac (addict of stealing) once stole from his left hand using the right hand without knowledge of the incident!

 A while back, I was sent to the shop by my mum and given a 200-shilling note. I slipped the legal tender into my left back pocket, which I rarely use. When it came to the purchase I dipped into all the other pockets except the left back. Thinking that I had lost the cash, I went back home with my head hang low and I was handed another 2 soc. Later in the night, I discovered the lost cash.

Is there any association that helps kleptoes-in-denial like me out there?

Can I Borrow a…

Since the KCB Amana bank account for Muslims does not earn interest and it is against Islam to get interest, if I borrow cash will I be charged interest on repayment?