· How come I’ve only seen Peninah Karibe (The weather girl) in one skirt since she began predicting the condition of Kenyan skies on NTV at 9 news? It’s been more than a year. · These guys shouldn’t have ‘stolen’ the airing of Champion’s League football from KBC. Now I can only watch one match at a time. When KBC aired it I could watch either of two matches since each was aired in Channel 1 or Metro TV. I would have loved to check out Barcelona play instead of Chelsea last Tuesday.

 

MTV is underrated. I occasionally watch the revered small screen and let it take me to other worlds. I let my mind wander from our old couch with a torn cushion cover to the Pimp My Ride Italian leather lined Djibril Cisse van that was only a drive ago full of rot and rust. U.S rapper Fat Joe is a perfect host as he freestyles while I chill out with the French International footballer in his newly revamped vehicle. I inhale the refreshed leathery scent that reminds me of the hot Mombasa sun on the white sand when I was on a school sponsored holiday. Yep! It’s that fresh. I forgot the xBox lying next to me; there are enough intrigues from Kanye West’s Life and Rhymes concert. I usually hate it when DJs think that a scratch is a beat but the interruptions in the songs are perfectly timed with the rap icon’s spoken lesons on life.

 

We have a neighbor who thinks that the yells and cries of a kid being smacked is music. My mum warns the hot peppered mother of only serving the purpose of hardening the toddler. Amid all this, I am watching Pink throwing tantrums after Ashton Kutcher Punk’d her. Hmmm! Her curves remind me of the modern Kenyan college girl. How small the world can be? A Barrio’ 19 clip momentarily interrupts the scene. I cheer aloud as rugged teen roller skates through a wall of fire fueled with oil that’s across an isolated tarmac road. Another one blazes through leaving flames on his rollers. He calmly puts them off.

 

 I time travel to see The Diary of Alicia Keys. I thought she already published it on hard copy but as soon as she gives me a sexy yet coy smile and tells me about her flu I am lost. I can feel her radiant intelligence confined within the four-walled living room of my home as she prepares for the Grammy Awards. I think am about to sneeze before she warmly sings ‘Fallin’ to me.  Round The Way I am taken to Nairobi City 10 years from now. In the subway (okay maybe tram) of the CBD, my eyes fall on a beautiful brown-eyed female figure. I’ve been a bachelor for too long and she has her eyes on me. I hesitate…on finally listening to my drumming heart and following her; I slam my face flat on the closed sliding tram doors.

 

I regret my tortoise quick reaction but get an MTV Alert on Wyre the lovechild. This Kenyan RnB cat takes me through his daily electric dance routines. Pause, jump, shift, eeih! I feel that’s enough for today. I now need My Very Own J-Lo (better yet My Very Own Nikki, atanipa Hii Ngoma). I love the look-alikes who turned up for the auditions when they rumble and stumble. At least most of them can shake their hips uninhibitedly even with a mini…Dem legs wa wa waaah! Meanwhile, I’m leaning back with my boys exchanging anecdotes about how many wedding rings J-Lo has diamond rocked on her finger.

 

And the day has not yet begun .

 

Quote

“A human being can never reach the epitome. At 21 years watch me! At 31 years watch me! At 41 years watch me! At 51 years watch me!” - Alicia Keys speaking just before she won 5 Grammies for her debut album ‘Songs in A Minor’(2002). I guess she’s living her words.

  

Key to youthfulness

Recently, I saw Mary Wambui on KTN TV. She definitely looks younger than the way she did before her controversial marriage to Mbugua. Her young 28 year old husband must be the key to her regained youthfulness despite her being past retirement age, so ladies…

  

10-YEAR THEORY

“Every 10 years or so something happens to either improve a certain field of life or completely rurn it around.”- Bugzzalot Philosopher

Consider the following events:

• In 1982 Kenya underwent a failed attempt to oust former President Moi from power. 10 years later in 1992 Kenya ushered in Multi Party democracy. Then finally in 2002 Moi’s aristocratic rule ended.
• Clinton fell from power in approximately 10years ago. Obama is currently a force to reckon with in the Democrats arena.
• Windows’95 revolutionized software operating systems. Windows Vista is about to take us a step further 10 years on.
• Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey emerged as supervocalists in the late 80s. In the late 90s Christina Aguilera began a humble career to music stardom and vocal prowess. A few years ago she earned millions of dollars after a royal prince requested that she perform before him.
• Snoop Dogg’s 1992 ‘Doggystyle’ album refreshed gangsta rap then in 2003/4 50 Cent returned the controversial form of rap to the helm.
• TV anchors Zhane Verjee and Jeff Koinange were taking local news to international standards and eventually joined CNN. Approximately 10 years later, Lilian Muli and Michael Oyier are on the brink of breaking borders.

 

Why Kenyan’s are so bright 2

The B Double-R labs have been hard at work from their earlier article to discover why Kenyans always have a high probability of exhaling when they go abroad for further studies. Here are more reasons:

• Kenyans are used to blackouts. You know about the expression/symbol of bulb lighting on top of your head when you have an idea. Well, these blackouts inspire more ideas!
• The number of strikes in Kenyan Public Universities always keeps a student on toes thus when one ‘flies out’ one is alert in class.
• Schools and colleges above bars are common in the city so once one gets to a university abroad, which actually has a lawn, concentration is top notch.

 

 

Bugzzalot labs are always on the move. From the Theory of the Missing Gun to the new 10 Year Theory that was uncovered recently. Most bloggers did not agree with the former that staed that Michuki had never been the target. With reference to the previous article please take time to consider the following facts:

 

• The police haven’t yet found the motive of the alleged Michuki Raid although the Minister claims assassination that I highly doubt. Robert Ouko was assassinated; Tom Mboya was assassinated. These were men of nyadhi (style), integrity and intelligence yaani watu wa nguvu. Michuki falls way below this scale for obvious reasons. Insecurity has spread to the rural areas at lightning speed while his reaction to the Mathare chaos was at snail pace. His diplomacy skills do not help either.
• Investigators have revealed that the thugs, who conducted the raid and killed Chief Arthur Kibe in the process, were linked to a robbery in which 2 Administration Police (AP) Officers were killed while escorting a cash transfer from Equity Bank(Murang’a) to Maragua on October 2nd. KSh 400,000 was stolen. 
• On Oct. 23, one of the gangsters was killed after he refused to reveal where he had stashed the stolen cash. Meanwhile the man’s wife discovered 366,000 in a hole in their home and banked the cash.
• The late Arthur Kibe was working on a related case when he expressed his concern that the case would head nowhere to Michuki. His case involved a missing gun that was supposed to be presented as evidence in a robbery case.
• I will repeat this again: If the thugs wanted to get into Michuki’s Kangema Home they would have. There was only one guard present and the investigators confessed that the attack was very well coordinated. The gang was in police jungle uniform and they only shot the chief and left his son in peace although the son claims to have wrestled with one of the men.
• 10 people have so far been arrested this includes a former michuki bodyguard(an AP) and the Assistant Chief of Murang’a and the wife of the dead man who had the stolen cash. To add more twist to the saga, there is an arrest warrant out for an Army Officer.

 

The above facts prove that the case is more deeper and twisted than the chief had thought. The filth runs through the provincial administration since APs are rarely murdered without an inside man calling the shots. How did the attackers get police jungle uniforms? The raiders knew that by diverting attention through the attack on Michuki’s home, the twists and turns of the intertwined cases would not be unraveled.

 

R.I.P Arthur Kibe

 

It’s a Hit

We’ve all heard of guys who think they are chicken and slaughter themselves in the name of suicide. Well, in this world of pain another innovative method has been discovered, suicide by hammer! Now that’s what I call a hit.

 

Tusker Project Soap

Although both are on probation, Bugzzalot Brain Experts gamble that Renee and Francis will not be taken out simply because they are in the budding stages of a relationship that people want to follow up. It was sad to see Apondi go. Everybody knows she has a very strong voice but she is so nervous on stage that she always begins on the wrong key when singing.

 

Look, no hands

Sebastian Loeb is the first Rally World Champion to win a race with no hands. The ace driver did not even compete in the Australian Rally (second last event in the world rallying calendar) due to a broken arm injury that he had sustained in a previous event and still managed to snatch the 2006 title by points.

“Look. No hands!” he should have bragged.

 

Silly movie titles and proposed sequels

I have previously said that current movies have very silly titles. Check out these new ones

May be they are hoping that the titles are stupid enough to evoke curiosity. I guess its working!

 

Oops, I forgot

The theme for the recently concluded Stanchart Marathon in Nairobi was “Seeing is Believing”. But how many runners knew this and how many remember it is a charity event? In TV interviews all that everyone could talk about was finishing the race, medals, prize money etc. This includes the MD of Stanchart. The marketing strategy did not enlighten anyone on this. It should be promoted with charity in mind.

 

The Fast and the Furious: Matatu Weave

I’ve started watching movies again after a season series run that has left me with viazi reaction time. Some days back I saw the follow up to Too Fast and too Furious i.e. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It was awe inspiring to see the way you can maneuver a car to go around a curve for virtually days while confined within the narrowest boundaries. It reminded me of matatu drivers with sleek interweaving skills. These artists of menace can transform a two-lane road into a dual carriageway. They can interweave through the pin thin spaces between normal vehicles at full throttle thereby inventing the new film title, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: MATATU WEAVE. If you have seen the Kenstream ad where the red computer mouse swishes by the other regular mice then you have seen the preview!

 

Wakenya kwa Champions League?

I was watching the Chelsea vs. Barcelona Champions League match when at the beginning I heard fans shouting, “Harambee!” There was an equally surprising response, “Hee.”

To cement my crazy notion, in the fifty fourth minute I heard somebody shouting Ni karibu sana.

They must be the guys who won the World Cup 2006 competition on TV with the ultimate prize of attending a great European club match or am I just confused?

On a less controversial note, the referee issued ten yellow cards. Taking into account that he was wearing a yellow T-Shirt, I think he wanted a football team of Yellows including himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ongoing reality show Tusker Project Fame is proving to be a twisted affair of names. There are now two Christines’ in the Tusker Project Fame’s music academy. Voting is bound to be a tricky affair. Both of them are Luos so they will have to use their indigenous names or one of them will have to drop her mzungu name in case they are put on probation by the judges.

 

Presenter Gaetano (former Big Brother Africa contestant) mixed up Regina Re’s name with another one of the music teachers. Having seen Re’s famous presence on TV for the past few years, his mistake simply sounded strange to me. On the other hand, do you remember Alex (check out my album titled ‘Big Brother’s watching’)? What happened to him? He seems to have had no interest in the world of fame after representing
Kenya at Big Brother.

 

Anyway all the guys that I expected to make it to the academy did not, including Kariz. You have to be as nutty as MJ to take a shot at performing one of his tracks but he did it well and did not force his voice unlike last week when he sang a Wyclef Jean track. Muthoni also did not make the cut despite her funky performance of ‘Pink Cadillac’. She also threw in a Subaru phrase to juice it up a little bit which was quite a good off-the- books concept. Alfie tried but I could not bet on him for sure.

 

Tony, Francis and Cedric qualified. I counted on Cedric going through but Tony and Francis were very shaky with their vocals. Maybe the judges decided to look past the obvious nervousness. According to me Muthoni and Kariz could have easily fitted in Tony’s and Francis’ shoes but that’s just me.

 

Linda’s ‘Lady Marmalade’ performance was above average. I wonder why she didn’t go through to the first eight. Her vocals captured my heart. I think I’m in love! (Sorry Nakaya even though you looked fwoine in that mini - we could see her underpants kai, kai, kai or should it be kaya kaya kaya!

   

How blind golf is played

“Blind and vision impaired people play golf very much the same as sighted golfers, however, the caddy plays the most vital role, as the blind golfers eyes. The Caddy makes sure that the golfer is lined up in the right direction, gives distances, sights the ball and gives any other information the golfer may need.

If you would like to volunteer as a Caddy please contact the Australian Blind Golfers Association. “

This is text i got from www.blindgolf.org.au. Sura mbaya commented that I was wrong about blind golf not making sense competitively. I haven’t faked this text; I just copy pasted. As I said, the caddy does most of the work thus removing the most essential element of the game-reading the condition of the course.Please tell me otherwise!Refigah, I saw your comment. I need to hear your song to promote you. No hating intended. Thanks for showing your concern to a possible fan because I know its hard to break through as an artist but the media is always featuring you. I need a song not news!!!!!  

I do not mean to be insensitive. It’s just that I bug a lot at Bugzzalot. I recently saw blind golfers in the news and was puzzled. Imagine playing golf without your sight. It beats logic. Unless one plays at the same course everyday and has mapped out the landscape in their mind, there will be little enjoyment. Even then, the ball we’ll always land at different places and no one can adjust his senses that well without sight. Good golfers take pride in being able to tell the wind speed, land slope, distance from the hole and length of grass they are playing in. These are just a few of the factors that go into the tee and hit.

 

We’ve all seen our President playing golf and he might as well be blind. Some of the golfers I saw could really hit the ball, which is commendable. The joke of blind golfing is that there has to be somebody else telling you where the hole is, where the ball is, where the slope ends and so many other where ares and where is’.  This happens to be one of the basic elements of the competitive game. It will be more of the guide playing than the golfer so the golfer might as well be make up on a face.

 

 I don’t really think golf blind golf is viable on a real competitive level. Its like blind soccer, it will be slow and long. The goal post will never move but the players and ball will always be oriented differently. All of them will be shouting for the ball and the Ronaldinho on the ball will perform a samba dance that might break his/ her neck.

 

I remember them days when we had a ‘wooden’ TV yaani TV ya mbao…Bugzzalot Rat&Roaches (B Double-R) lab has found  a mysterious link between Television and Children.

Old TVs made with the plywood covering could be slapped into clarity of transmission while the new ones will shatter to pieces if you try such a stunt.

¨      Kids of old used to be smacked into discipline. Do the same thing today and they can divorce the parents with government support.

 

Old TVs had to be switched ON some minutes before a program begins. Broadcasting stations transmitted from 5p.m so our TV had to be switched on at 4.30p.m. This was because the old CRTs had to virtually warm up for a half hour before ‘officially’ becoming ON.

¨      Kids of old were slow to catch on what the adults were saying. These days say Condom and your 2 year old will tell you the ABCs of AIDS prevention as part of the alphabet.

 

Old TVs had there own climate. It could rain on screen without any aerial misdirection or component malfunction i.e. grains on screen. New TVs do what they are told. The aerial has to be adjusted right and all electrical components need to be in tip top condition.

¨      Kids of old loved rain, innovated wire framed cars, games like kati, shake etc. Take a modern city kid outside to play and he/she will search for a friend with PS2 and if none is found the most innovative tantrum known to man will be thrown.

 

Old TVs had character and curves. The grain on the plywood had a lifelike flow that could harbor ants. The screen was well rounded, greenish and innocent. All new TVs are either flat screens or razor thin. They are all soon going to be hanged on the wall like their two-dimensional distant cousins known as family pictures.

¨      Kids of old were either could be naughty, sneaky, adventurous, mischievous, artistic etc. Modern ones are either psychos who shoot other school kids or holy Joes and Janes who play video games.

     

 

There’s a website that stated that the talk show host should run for president. Although Oprah is totally against the idea, of course she can make a good president. This will be because:

• There is no doubt she can talk!
• Women will definitely vote for her in numbers thus prompting the men to do the same (Yeah, its true that men are the real weaker sex!).LL Oprah-Ladies Love Oprah.
• Even as an Independent candidate she will get the Republican vote since she abhors gangsta rappers such as IceCube, 50 Cent etc.
• She got Benjamins and makes dreams come true in her special edition talk shows.
• She gave Citroens for free in one of her shows but still told her audience that they will have to pay taxes for them to the government. I didn’t understand the logic but its something like the lottery winner who has to pay the government tax for his wins.
• She is a perfect example of a rags-to-riches story.
• She is not married so there is no foolish huzzie who will have his ego bruised and betray the U.S to their enemies.
• She can broadcast her views over the satellite radio company that she hosts thus in case of a nuclear attack from one of
  America’s many enemies, she can motivate the few survivors from her bunker.
• She still spots the basic hairstyle she had a decade ago so at least she is consistent in something. Besides, kama akili ni nywele we know that she has a brain.
• She holds no interests in the oil industry except may be for her hair. No more invasions, no more invasions!