The Theory of the Kenyan
Silicon Valley 2

My earlier posting titled The Theory of the Kenyan Silicon Valley suggested that the money making pyramid schemes revolving in our developing Kenyan world had their funds invested in the stock market. BABS also added that some powerful people were involved in it in readiness for the elections. Over the last few days, these schemes have hit the news headlines and despite proving my half-truths and half-lies there is still a gray area in the explanations from the reporters.

The government has gone a long way to state that the pyramid schemes are NOT ILLEGAL. The new moneymaker in CBK, Professor Ndung’u said that there is no law that specifically terms pyramid schemes as illegal. The former acting moneymaker Mrs. Mwatela also agreed with this despite having been passed over by the Prof since she was apparently under qualified. She ran the economy for almost a year only to be told, “Girrrl (snap snap snap) you’re just not good enough!” It was surprising that she bowed out gracefully. FIDA should look for a loophole in her defense and put the government in its place (under the people). One for Women’s Day???

I wonder why the CEOs of these controversial businesses are not known. It’s most likely because they do not want to be caught when their rotating savings finally runs out of new investors. It might also be possible that they are the top Billy Gates’ of this country and are untouchable.

It was reported that pyramid schemes are just a chain of savings moved around i.e robbing Peter to pay Paul or Waithera to pay Akinyi since apparently 82% of their clients are women. Today is Women’s Day so BABS has to be fair. In this largely unequal world where men make mistakes that can only be solved by women, at least BABS may say that our mothers, sisters and daughters are prone to a few mishaps. The rotating savings thus imply that my stock exchange assumption was wrong but wait a minute…

The stock exchange is currently in a slump. Francis Thuo and Partners stock brokerage was caught pants down (or should I say portfolios down) trading in investors’ shares without their knowledge. 50% of the firm’s investments were undeclared. They had KSh.26.6 million that was being traded in the ‘Black’ NSE Market. The pyramid schemes were coincidentally revealed during this time. Any investor worth his/her millions does not just initiate a pyramid scheme to rip off the latecomers and sit back, the money has to be cleaned out through other channels. Therefore, if one wants to benefit from these schemes then invest early before they crash (for now, its too late).

PS: Scangroup recently bought Redsky (an Ad Agency that handles Safaricom advertising and other major companies). BABS Professor wannabes think that they may be gearing up for expansion into other media such as radio and TV so it wouldn’t be a bad stock investment for the long term. If you are past retirement age then forget it!)

Zarika Fatuma seduces win with an oily display

During the weekend, I keenly watched the women’s boxing bout between Kenya’s Zarika and Bulgaria’s Galena Ivanova. What caught my eye was the constant application of an oily substance on Zarika’s forehead by her coach. This stuff is usually used when one has a cut that needs to be temporarily sealed. I guess it’s also meant to make sure that any punch from the opponent just slips past it. But Zarika was using bowls of the substance on her face until she appeared white. She definitely had no cuts so was it a tactic to make sure that Ivanova’s punches do not actually land? Whatever the reason, it worked since she retained her title. Congrats to her???? One more for the WOMEN???

HELP! BLOGGER IN DANGER

Just when I was taking comfort in my freedom as a blogger, I learnt that Kareem Mohamed (an Egyptian blogger) was arrested for allegedly posting falsehoods against his country’s rulers. Looking on the bright side, it’s good to see that there are guys who are far much brighter than I am squeezing a thorn into the Presidential seat.  Kudos to Kareem for highlighting truths amid oppression!

WILL THE REAL WHATEVERS PLEASE STAND UP?

 The ‘fake’ Silas Mugendi should be grateful that he is still alive after being held by the CID for weeks. The namesake of the real thug was held by the cops, who did not think of taking his fingerprints in order to clear him.  I saw the poor guy on TV and I bet that he is feeling both stupid and angry at the same time. He does not even look like the real Silas but he still handed himself over to the police without a backup plan. At least by now he should have learnt that cops don’t like thinking. With questions such as “Unafanya nini?” when they saw you walking home or “Jina yako gani?” when they are holding your ID card, our poor guy should know the obvious.

At last, the government has decided to clear away the filth in Dandora Estate of Nairobi. The city’s dumpsite has been harboring Matheris’ for a minute and now they are moving it to another environmentally friendly estate. Bugzzalot Real Estate Agency is the first to declare that there is real land for sale. Anyone who wants a piece of land that is well fertilized by human waste can holla at me. Just post your comment and I will reach you.

Wambo, am serious so don’t laugh.

Meanwhile, a non-existent company known as Revel International is responsible for East Africa Portland (EAP) Cement capturing news headlines. NTV’s spook, Robert Nagila, broke the story by revealing that Revel has no offices or directors but can still win a KSh. 1 billion contract to supply EAP with clinker/special ashes/ember. Apart from the weird necessity of this commodity that would prompt a “Nini Hii?” from a mwananchi like me, there is also the name Revel which means get drunk/party/raise the roof/paint the town red. Despite this info, a very clever Minister for Trade (Dr. Mukhisa Kituyi) declared the tendering process for the contract as above board. Therefore, some ghost directors will get rich from nothing. He was quick however to inform the press that it was the Permanent Secretary who told him that nothing was wrong. He must be preparing for the Revel Inquiry in 2008 when the new government under Kalonzo Musyoka starts investigating the matter. Our doctor shall simply say, “It wasn’t me, it was the PS.” I feel for women when they say that there are no real men. Ngilu for President. Another one for the women???

WE HAVE A DARFUR IN THE MAKING AT MT.ELGON. WHERE IS MICHUKI? WHERE IS THE GOVERNMENT? JUZI THERE WAS A RAID AT THE SAME PLACE THAT INVOLVED 80 AK-47 WEILDING THUGS. SEVERAL LIVES WERE LOST AND WE ALL KNOW THAT IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIME. THE GOVERNMENT APPOINTED CHIEFS HAVE RUN AWAY WHILE THERE ARE MORE THAN 5000 DISPLACED FAMILIES. OPPOSITION MPs HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO GAIN ACCESS TO THE AREA TO TAKE FOOD SUPPLIES WITHOUT SUCCESS DUE TO POLICE BLOCKADES. NOW THE MPs ARE NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT IT. IT WAS ALL FOR THE IMAGE. WILL THE REAL LEADERS PLEASE STAND UP BECAUSE THEY DESERVE TO BE SHOT?

  RE INVENTION OF RnB

Timbaland is single handedly reinventing the RnB sound. His productions for Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and Pussycat Dolls are hitting the charts with a refreshing sound. He even produced a Rock track for the Fall Out Boy. If you have not heard them then just listen to the mechanical bass of the ace producer on any one of their tracks. In his own words I can only say…it’s been a long time, shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat to step to…His own upcoming album is being excessively hyped so we only expect a wild ride to new areas of creativity.

Lamar and Jamelia are also upping the soul vibe of the genre in Europe with there new singles. Its normally rare to hear an US RnB artist praising the works of an outsider but Lamar is getting props front, back and sideways. His deep gritty voice is finding its way into women’s hearts. “No more” from Jamelia has a spirit-raising tune that interweaves beautifully with her strong voice.

 REDSAN is REDHOT

Our Kenyan Ragga King is churning out high quality videos (and music) that would make Prezzo demand his 500k back from Tedd Josiah for the “Prezzo” single video clip. They were shot in France so Redsan only has white chics as the stars of the music videos.

So who’s better Prezzo or Redsan?  One more for the Kenyan women???

Not DAMN, Prezzo and Wyre on the same video

Kenyan Rapper Prezzo and RnB artist Wyre’s new ‘Gimme the Music’ video begins with a fly chic quipping, “Wyre and Prezzo on the same track, DAMN!!” With such an intro, one definitely expects a dope clip full of the choreography that Wyre has fashioned his brand name with and a few blingy things from the ‘President’. Instead, we are treated to Nix and his partner standing like statues. Prezzo meanwhile just sways to the otherwise groovy beat with enough machismo to shame a WWE wrestler. The video fails to match with the hot tune and catchy vocals. The hot chics don’t even dance. The director decides to make fading ‘news shots’ of them i.e. only the head and shoulders. Perhaps the idea was just to give fans a taste of what to expect so that we only urge them to Give Us The Music and forget the video!

Who is better Abbas or Nyashinski?

Bugzzalot has the answer to this…Abbas a.k.a Doobiez! If you’ve listened to the Artists.ke collabo track titled ‘Tatizo’ Abbas kills it. There has been controversy between the two since Nyash and his Kleptomaniacs colleagues declared themselves Kings of Rap in
Kenya. Abbas quickly pointed out that there are better rappers in the industry than the Klepto trio, who are famed for their ‘Tuendelee’ single. This is true to a large extent as everyone knows. In the ‘Tatizo’ song Nyash claims his primary school bad boy attitude and brags about being a bully. Nobody loves a bully and his lines are weak compared to Abbas. Abbas fires up the track when he says: Unanikumbusha Mariah vile umecarry (twisting the name Mariah Carey to express his love of voluptuous ladies. I’ve seen his girlfriend; he’s not lying.) Or Niko juu ya maji kama ferry(referring to his drunken state since kuwa maji is to be drunk). ‘Tatizo’ also features Jua Cali and Nameless with lead vocals from Pam (former Coca-Cola pop star from the Sema group) and another fly talented chic whom I’ve never managed to acquire her name. Produced by Clemo of Calif Records, the track has been receiving colossal in the media. I actually watched the clip on TV three times in a span of two hours from KBC’s Club One, NTV’s The Beat and Citizen’s X-Treme. The Abbas and Nyash verses are strangely placed together. Perhaps Clemo wanted to settle the controversy for good!

Ogopa Dance School

Ogopa DJs are still striving to teach us how to dance with their new hits from Habib, Longombas and Kalaharians.

Habib in his new collabo intro sings:

Shaky Shaky Shaky Shaky…

Longombas in their ‘Chukua’ single does the same except in Swahili:

Tingi Tingi Tingi Tingisha

Perhaps DJ John of H2O show on KTN picked  up on this yester (3^rd Jan 2006) and played the songs back to back. I noticed that both lines were sung in exactly the same rhythm.

Straight Girl

Lina of Str8Up Show on KTN is getting Leaner!! Perhaps she is living up to her implied name: Lina-Leaner.

An eye for the Queer Guy

I’ve heard of a similar titled hit show in the US.

 We initially called these guys homosexuals, then gay and now queer. Perhaps next in line we’ll have strangers then finally the girl next door. I am not ashamed of being called a heterosexual. Why then is ‘homo’ offensive to most of these guys? Lesbians don’t complain when they are called, you guessed right, Lesbians!

Mungix records- Home of the real Kenyan Gangsta Rappers.

As Tusker Project Fame 2006 crowned its new talented superstar, Valerie and awarded her with a Merc, Mungix Records had also discovered a fledgling hot artist. Mungix Records has been the Deathrow Records of Kenya and has been signing on controversial personalities who have been keeping it miles ahead of the competition. There have been several hit singles, which have resulted to death of many. It has been a major money-laundering outfit. Critics and investigators alike have linked it to the control of matatu termini, tobacco snuffing and movement of machetes and other crude weapons. Some government agents have previously been implicated in funding the record company but no solid proof has been forthcoming. The exact date of its rise is not well known. Its executives have claimed to be worshippers of certain idols from
Mt. Kenya. They have even claimed to be under the guise of the Maumau movement that paved the way for the liberation of Kenya. This twisted lie has been affirmed by the arising deaths from the occultist machete-wielding fans of the recording entity.

Maina Njenga was one of the initial artists on the roster of Mungix Records. This artist turned record mogul was responsible for hundreds of deaths in and around the city of Nairobi. During 2002/3, he claimed to be associated with Honorable MPs such as Uhuru Kenyatta, the current Official Leader of Kenyan Opposition. Since then Uhuru has distanced himself from the recording company but the dark curse has tailed him and even at present he is struggling to maintain his position as the opposition chief. Maina Njenga was eventually caught up in his web of militia and sent to jail. This gave room for our subject to pop up and take over after years of living under his shadow.

In the year 2005, Ndura Waruinge rose from the ashes of tobacco snuffing. Unlike his followers, he never had the time to grow dreadlocks. He was instead plotting world domination. His speeches were more like ‘I will axe you to death’ than ‘I will stop you from earning a livelihood’. He was more bull’s eye oriented and never liked beating around the Mt. Kenya bush. This quickly put him in the mwananchi’s eye. He became the perfect caricature of a gangsta rapper. Most Kenyan artists at this time were claiming to be G’s e.g Kantai who tied a tie but decided to wear a white T-shirt and a pair of khakis, Prezzo (R.I.P Feroz, Nazizi’s brother) and even Jerry Joe (Yeah, whatever). However, none of them could ever hog the spotlight from Ndura who had dodged bullets, flipped riot police and controlled matatu termini like the mafia.

 In time, the law caught up with him but he pulled off a Mason Betha (Mase) and Robert Kelly (R-Kelly) in one, he got saved. In a much-publicized baptism, he acknowledged the Christ as his savior. He got on so well that the Holy Spirit bore an entrepreneurial spirit within him and he founded a church.   It was while he did this that the former mogul Maina Njenga’s purported home was searched and various weapons, drugs and money were found.

Gangsta’s don’t cry (Jay-Z ‘Song Cry’) or dance (Fat Joe ‘Lean Back’) thus Ndura did not mourn but saw this as an opportunity to finally grab a hold of the title CEO/Owner of Mungix Records. Instead of distancing himself from the falling giant and leading his flock, he became a King of the Dreaded (Dreadlocked). This should not be confused with the Rastafarian culture.

A sparkling political entrepreneur in the name of Raila was suddenly a target. His music business was not enough after all a gangster rapper is supposed to ‘stay real’. He wanted to turn the country into one big ‘hustle’. This would be the worst mistake of his life. Besides being sidelined by the government, the opposition was tired of his lyrics. ‘Dawa ya moto ni moto’ was the phrase that would lead to his downfall. He had just threatened Raila that he was willing to settle it violently in the streets and this lead to the unfortunate deaths of three people. He was put behind bars and informed that during the Christmas period, he shall preach to the prisoners (Perhaps Milango ya gereza itafunguka). This was done despite his pleas that he should walk free and once again shepherd (or should it be ‘wolfpack’) his flock from the outside.

Will he rise straight out of jail and release a classic double album like 2Pac? Maybe not, no one wants him to see the daylight, unlike Pac or Lil’ Kim. He is even not down with his clergymen. He has gone through the cycle of a real Gangsta rapper; from Gangster to Pastor to Gangster to Prisonster. What next for Mungix Records?

——The above is dedicated to the 18year old girl who died from a reckless police shooting and the three who died in Kibera. It is unfortunate that the bad guys sometimes come on top. It is my hope and prayer that everyone will find space in their heart to think of saving a soul this Holiday Season—–

  The Unsweetness of Christmas!

The rise in the price of sugar in Kenya is slowly sucking the sweetness out of this festive time. The sugar cane producers and manufacturers are blaming distributors. The government is in agreement but the Professor-wannabes at Bugzzalot have their own theories.

• Since Mumias Sugar Company controls over 50% of the market, they might be deliberately involved in a conspiracy to hoard the necessity in order to fund their IPO. If the IPO is under subscribed, they will have to source funds to buy back the ‘hanging’ shares that were on offer. This also implicates the government and other sugar companies who might just want to be in for the ride.

Or

• There is a lack of demand for the shares due to the obvious high pricing and maybe since all the extra cash being spent on buying the rare commodity, which has experienced a 50% price increase per packet, is holding back the cash needed to buy the shares!

Celtel genius: Best of both worlds

The geniuses at Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches Lab have been wondering about the new Celtel mobile network’s Uhuru Tarriffs. To switch to Uhuru (Umoja) Tariff one types in *123*1# and to switch to Uhuru (Jamii) tariff is *123*2#. What if one can inter-switch in between these two to take advantage of both? This means that during peak time one uses Umoja at KSh. 16 per minute and at off-peak one switches to Jamii at KSh.12 per minute.

Umoja is 16 flat at all times to nay network while Jamii is 24 at peak and 12 off-peak and holidays.  Kudos to Celtel for at least not copying Safaricom this time. The Zindua win-a-car promotion is just a knockoff of Safaricom’s Nguruma.

Despite this, Safaricom is as innovative as ever, at KSh.10 per minute during the Christmas-New Year season, I will not switch to Celtel yet. The CEO, Michael Joseph, also promised a reduction in call costs sometime next year. Bugzzalot assumes that this is the test run.

Branded Music Videos

Its time that Kenyans borrowed a leaf from the music industry of the West! Most good music vidz are hard to make but if an entrepreneur can approach a corporate organization with a deal to market their products in music vidz, we could see even better standards of vidz in Kenya. The downside of this is that the biz entity will control the song’s lyrics and clip content to a certain extent thus limiting the singer’s artistry but am sure someone smewhere can work through this.

White and Nerdy

The remix to Chamillionaires ‘Ridin dirty’ is out through an unconventional artist named Weird Al Yankovic (He’s white, what do you expect?).  The remix is weird to say the least and is aptly titled ‘White and Nerdy’.

This nerd is proud of his geeky nature dropping lines such as:

‘I can write in Braille’

‘Have no grills but my braces are shiny’

‘I’ve got my name on my underwear’

‘My rims don’t spin on the contrary they are quite stationary’

It’s the funniest song I’ve listened to in a while. Yankovic rocks!

Papoose: Next In Line after Jay and 50?

I recently got a mixtape of the U.S rapper known as Papoose. If you don’t know him better watch out. He spit fire in the remix of ‘Touch It’ by Busta Rhymes calling out Brooklyn, New York represented by a tattoo on his mid-finger. His mix tape does not fail to amaze. I listened to thirty of his underground songs and marveled at the audacity of this Brooklyn representin’ M.C. He can be conscious like common in a song that comforts Hurricane Katrina victims or snake tongued in verses that dis most of the glorified mainstream US rappers. He has even done a video featuring Talib Kweli and Jadakiss in praise of New York, which is still fighting for airspace amid the strong Dirty South onslaught.

Papoose is under the wing of DJ Kay Slay whose mixtapes are responsible for starting rap battles that usually escalate to beefs. This is why he is known as the Drama King. There’s a song where Papoose is given each letter of the alphabet and he rhymes with words beginning with the particular letter. All his sentences make sense while he does so.

I believe Papoose will be very influential if he cuts through the mainstream with a hard flow.

  The Game

‘The Doctor’s Advocate’ was one of the highly amped rap albums this year. Everyone wanted to know whether The Game can pull off another classic from the bloody bag of pulling out of G-Unit. His previous multi-platinum effort ‘The Documentary’ had got the Hip Hop heads talking about the West Coast Gangsta Rap again. His second coming is almost as good but more hardhitting thus sounding less commercial although it sold 400,000 copies in its opening week.it was also heavily bootlegged. I had listened to 90% of the album from the Internet just before its release. He even sounds like an iller, realer Dr. Dre in some of the songs. There is a remix of his promo single ‘One Blood’ with contributions from Jadakiss, Fat Joe and a host of others to make the 10minute long track. There is also another 9-minute inspirational track with Nas and club banger ‘Let’s Ride’. Other highlights include a song featuring Busta Rhymes done in a similar fashion as Start from Scratch from his debut album. Here, he raps in a hoarse drunken stupor showing how he has been isolated from Dr. Dre who did not produce any track in the album. He then laments about most of his friends who are expecting too much from his wealthy pockets in another song.

His pain is obvious throughout the album, which makes it a worthwhile listen. He proves that he is still miles ahead of most other rappers. Despite the absence of Dr. Dre, the album has great production credits including Just Blaze, Will.I.am of Black Eyed Peas and Scot Storch, Kanye West, Timbaland, which keeps you bobbing your head. Snoop, Xzibit and NateDogg feature prominently in the album showing The Game’s maturity in calling for the unity of the west coast gangsta entities.  The only let down in the album is in some of the tracks where he brags too much as the King of L.A. otherwise, ‘The Doctor’s Advocate’ is a good advance from The Documentary where he had the legendary Dr. Dre on production and Eminem & 50Cent by his side. It proves Niggas are hard to kill on the Westside block paraphrasing 2Pac’s immortal scrolls.

BACK TO THE BASICS

Christina Aguilera is taking us Back to the Basics with her new single and album. She first struck us with a dose of dance in the 20s then there is the crackly old vinyl-style ‘Trouble’ and now she’s ‘Hurt’.  This ballad ropes you in on the strangled life of a kid without a dad. Aguilera sings it out to Whitney Houston’s ‘I will always love you’ perfection level.   It is a must for anyone who appreciates a lady who can hold a song together with her powerful voice only.

CONCENTRATE

‘Oooo maa ronde kyuuu!’ chants an old wrinkled KungFu monk summoning the listener to concentrate. On cue a Japanese drum is hit in the Japman’s dojo. As the drum is hit, students spar with The Matrix-like movements as black full figured hot babes shake their rumps.

This is a sneak peek into Xzibits new music video. It has a heavy bouncy baseline and a killer black and white Japanese theme video. Of course X’s flow is memorable so concentrate, concentrate, concentrate…

HAVE YOU HEARD KENYAN ROCK?

Finally an original Kenyan Rock Band. Apart from my dream of retiring as a multi-millionaire at 40(check out City Boys In The Country, category: Leo Mtaani), my other dream is attending a live concert by a major Rock Band(U2, System of A Down, Evanescence or American Rejects). I just want to see the drummers and guitarists doing their wild flips and churning concoctions of crazy rhythms. The grapevine around town is that we have our own rock band known as Fret Wire. They don’t concentrate on cover versions but write their original music. They also have an album out.

The closest that I have come to a rock concert was at the Extreme Weekends that I used to attend while in High School. There was a Christian Rock band that brought the house down and ever since my dream has been to attend a huge rock concert. For now Fret Wire will do. I read in te papers that they entertain revelers in Karen,
Nairobi. If you know exactly where they perform please tell me the following:

·        Which venues they perform and when

·        The price of beer in those venues (I don’t want to by pint at KSh.180 a bottle)

·        Entrance fee, if there is any.

·        And… if the Fret Wire performance deserves the entrance fee and expensive beer

STARLY DIVA

 Nyota ndogo (small star) has been getting more beautiful with each new single that she releases to the market. The latest ‘Watu na Viatu’ is a melodic mix of African instrumentation and excellent vocals by the diva. This comes after her notable hit collabos with Nonini and Mr. Blue(TZ). Soon she will have to change her name to Nyota Kubwa. She rose from the dusty world of a housemaid to being a vocalist that could be mentioned in the same breath as the best Bongo has to offer. The new single shows her ability to appeal both to the young and old. With the right promotion, it might propel her to the international realm.

AMANI: LOVESTORIES FOR TEENS

The First lady of Ogopa DJs seems to have specialized in the teen audience. Her ‘Bad Boy’ single, which earned her and Nyash of Klepto a Chaguo la Teeniez award, had a nursery rhyme jingle to it as most Ogopa productions have. Si uliskia “Oya mabeshte Oya” from that so-called rapper who over-smiles in his vid clip. Her current ‘Tamani’ reminds me of my infatuations back in primary school but I’m not complaining. She should try her hand at writing books for teens, a Kenyan Mills & Boon. If  Madonna can do it then surely, Amani can.     

MWAFRIKA AFIKA

The Kenyan hip-hop freestyle king has finally appeared in a music vid in which he spits a few bars. Together with Muki Garang, these two Kenyan MCs do justice to a track with the same title. It is done in typical hip-hop fashion and highlights the plight of the oppressed. The lyrics scope from political to social issues. Finally I repeat finally…we are heading somewhere in hip-hop after riding on the wave of Ukoo Flani, Doobiez  a.k.a Abbas and Chiwawa. 

The Bugzzalot Brain Experts in the B-Double R labs took time this weekend to study the psychology of Tusker East Africa Project Famers. I had to see this as my experts took a tally and kept tabs of the participants. This was also to see my pals who made it to the hot20 before entering the academy. There is Kariuki Gathitu and Alfie(Alfred). Both of them were at
Kenyatta University. Kariz had also taken part in Pop Idols but failed to make the cut.

Once bitten twice shy but this proved not to apply to Kariz who is still in contention for the final four spots available out of the total 12 supposed to fill the training academy. Kariz made a mistake in the choice of the song he performed. KU students unanimously agreed this-sorry Kariz! Singing a note better than Wyclef Jeans’ unique vocals is as hard as immitating Bob Marley’s style, which is the basis of Wyclef’s standard. Alfred’s ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’ rendition was off key and did not suit his voice. Anyway, next week they have the chance to redeem themselves.

The brain experts likened the competitors to the NSE (Nairobi Stock Exchange). It was funny that all of the competing stock companies were issuing threats to each other. Each entity was saying that their shares would gain most profit and dividends to ensure that they buy the Merc and get a recording contract. Under the advice of the experts, I would firstly invest in Christine (EA Cables) of the final 8 who were initially chosen. The dark and lovely Christine gets points for a unique voice and a mature demeanor. I think she packs more dynamite than she lets on. The next in line would be Valerie (KPLC). Valerie has the makings of a pop artist. She has the smile and personality. She is my ultimate girl next door.

Stephen (Eveready) should have made it. He crooned a neo soul tune perfectly but his IPO (Initial Public Offering) is still being held up despite great potential. Paul went through much to my chagrin. He tripped through the ‘Step In the Name of Love’ tune by R Kelly but he still made the cut. He is a company that might fall out like Uchumi.

If you want to be safe invest in Alvin. He is a ladies love judging from the number of chics who screamed after his performance. He represents Nation Media Group although he might be kicked out if he gets too much into himself. You may note that the media group has a new CEO ready to replace the retiring Wilfred Kiboro.

The rest are iffy. There is Linda (yeah, I don’t remember her well also), the bald but beautiful Tanzanian queen known as Nakaya and the sultry alto known as Renee.

Start placing your bets courtesy of Bugzzalot Brain Experts…thank you.  

What were the producers of KTN youth program ‘Str8 Up’ thinking when they brought Prezzo clips under the pretext that he can be an ordinary mwananchi like the rest of us?

They showed him eating with his Cash Money Brothers in a kibanda dressed in expensive suits. I mean who gives a damn! That is a very poor publicity stunt. We know he’s rich and is the Kenyan King of bling since the Arturs were deported. I hope that he will release a single worth his inherited wealth unlike his previous ones.

Calif Records is at it again with hit and miss divas like Choku. This time it’s a chic called Wamboe. Unda 18 Jimwat features in her goofy club song ‘Tunakatika’. She will at least earn props for her shapely full figure and sweet face. One can tell that given the right training she can sing but producer Clemo does no justice. The chorus sounds like she sang it in the kitchen akichonga viazi while the lyrics are shallower than a saucer with a film of water.

Calif star Flexx was recently at pains trying to explain the theme of his song ‘Amejibeba’. Even a street savvy geek like me can tell from both the lyrics and the video clip that he is expressing his views about the ‘junk in the trunk’ of a lady with all the right things in the perfect places. According to Flexx he is vibing about a lady who has monetary means and can take care of herself. Sawa basi- Flexx for M.P!

Hype Williams the music video directing guru is losing some of the creative niche that put him on top of his field in U.S Hip Hop. I am sure that you remember the video gems such as Busta Rhymes terminator-like appearance in ‘What’s it gonna be’, Missy’s balloon shaped clad in ‘Supa Dupa Fly’, Nas’ purported crucifixion scenes in ‘Hate Me Now’ and many more. These out of the box scenes had something for everyone to remember but if you check out his current vids like LL Cool J’s ‘Control myself’ ft J-Lo, Neo’s ‘So sick’, Janet Jackson’s ‘Call On Me’ ft Nelly and Lil Jon’s ‘Snap yo fingers’, there is an ingredient X missing. They just show the performers in graphically enhanced backgrounds and the two bars above and below the main clip showing alternate shoots. There is no bendy story or eye catching camera trick. Only Kanye West’s ‘Diamonds of Sierra Leone’ pastes a horrific scene in the mind. The site of a woman putting on a ring that led to the spread of a bloody coating all over her body was certainly intriguing. Back when he mesmerized me, Hype Williams said that he started directing music vids cause the ones then had one-dimensional scenes without the input of the musician being taken into consideration. He should get back to that way of thinking otherwise at the pace that modern hits are being forgotten, there will be no music vids to look forward to on T.V except Charles Luche’s local productions.

The next Akon is invested in K-Naan. He is slowly making in-roads to the U.S by featuring in collabos with stars such as M-I of the Dead Prez group (check out the song ’Til’ We Get There’ also featuring the soulful female vocals of Stori James). This young talented male artist with very unique hypnotizing vocals is a Somali refugee. His songs are therefore largely based on the liberation of his people. He made a high quality video of one of his earlier singles in Eastleigh (yeah
Nairobi!). Don’t be fooled, he is way more talented than most of our artists. He can rap and sing with an original African tune. I am sure we’ll see him get there soon-if not through freedom of his country then as an international artist with the clout of Akon.

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Yesterday I saw a very interesting bongo music video on EATV. Picture this:

 A bad singer with a great band on the street and a blind folded lady with his love struck boyfriend. The love struck guy interrupts the horrid singer, grabs the mic, unties the lady’s blindfold and proceeds to serenade her. In the process he draws a crowd and brings the band to life as the astonished lady grooves to the funky tune.

The song is not a conventional bongo tune. It is more RnB flavoured with quality production. Bushoke is the artist and the song title is ‘Ninakugonza’. I am not a Swa master but I think it means having affection towards someone.

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Lloyd Banks of G-Unit is back with a club banger titled “Hands Up”. Lyrical content consists of the usual gangsta ish but the hook and beat is enough to get you to your feet.

50 Cent and his protégé switch up the hook to phrases that you can easily chant to. I am sure G-Unit will continue with it track record of mainstream hits with this one.

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The beautiful and talented Miss Keys has not been sleeping either. She has done a ragga remix with Cham in his Jamaican street-anthem ‘Ghetto Story’. Alicia blends in perfectly to the bumpy bass tune with her vocals. Her lines that talk of a poor girl with a dream, who lives in crack dens and eats rice with honey, keeps the song close to a listener’s heart. Cham also exhales in christening the song with visions of his street life encompassed with stone throwing and a friends death due to gang rivalry. The song is mos def a ragga gem.

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Rick Ross

There is a new face of mainstream U.S hip-hop in the name of Rick Ross. He is one of the first musicians to get a huge chunk of earnings from ring tone sales even before he sold an album. He has a characteristic bushy beard and looks like Suge Knight (former Deathrow Records CEO in charge of acts like Tupac, Snoop etc.) if you cannot picture him yet, just watch the TV. He is bound to come to a music store near you. ‘Hustlin’ is his new single on heavy rotation as a street anthem.

Ill punchlines

One of the reasons that I love hip-hop is the sheer wit of the M.C. Check out these bars spit by an M.C known as Mode9:

“Too ill like Siamese twins with HIV”

Then when he ended the song he declared:

“The clock is on the ceiling, I guess my time is up”

The song is titled ‘360 poetry’ and the video is constantly shown on MTV-Base. You have to listen to it even if you are not a fan of hip-hop. The production is also on point!

N.S.A

N.S.A does not stand for National Security Advisor as you may think. It’s a youthful Kenyan duo of a talented lady and gentleman who have just released a song that is uniquely fresh. The song mixes rap and RnB both in Swa and English. To add to that a fusion with a sultry guitar tune makes it have an afro and neo soul feel. ‘Want u in my life’ is a single that any discerning music fan lazima askize. I am sure it will find its way to u soon!