Bugzzalot Amateur Business School (BABS) has hit the ground running this year with a few peculiar observations. A hot topic will be the Youth Fund. This will be the government sponsored re-election brainchild that will fund young business entrepreneurs in 2007 and beyond so our Professor wannabes went in search of answers. The government has so far said that banks will be the sole distributors of the fund, which has been allocated KSh.1 Billion. This cold cash will be repaid by each successful applicant at a fairly low interest of about 7% per annum.

Our journey began in the streets of
Nairobi. The quick paced city dwellers did not seem to notice our ill fitted suits and loosely hanged ties. This made us comfortable but soon we realized that we had no idea where our Youth Affairs Ministry is based. We did not even have an inkling of the name of the minister in charge but since we new that finding him is like getting to Osama bin Laden, we did not bother to get this easily available data. We had to walk in the yellow pages that are normally chained to Telkom’s vandalized phone booths but alas, our fingers fell on all the other government ministries but the one required. We could not believe that they were not listed in the 2006 directory. Our resourceful minds decided to call the Ministry of Culture and Social Services Inquiries Desk. The person on the other end was fortunately not a ‘coat hanger’ (employee who eludes work by hanging his coat on his chair to indicate his presence and then running off for long tea and lunch break meetings!). We were promptly directed to Kencom House 3^rd Floor.

We strolled through the crowds at Kencom Bus Stop. It was strangely void of street performers and preachers. Perhaps they were still planning new year resolutions to get off the street and form a new Reddykyulass or mabati-laced church. The guards at the stiffly rectangular Kencom House were very friendly as they searched us for bombs or guns. When we got to the 3^rd floor, we were informed to head to the human resource office. We thought that we would get men in business suits but instead a uniformed officer welcomed us. We were unimpressed by the empty office without even the customary President Kibaki picture looking down on us. We assumed that since it was a relatively new ministry the deplorable state was forgivable.

The young officer already had another client but since he was explaining what we wanted to hear, we just slid in. He informed us that a proposal was needed if one wanted some of that cash on loan. The proposal must include:

• The business name and introduction
• Project description
• Work plan to achieve the goals
• The budget (of course)
• Why one needs funding (Cause am broke?????)
• Certificate of company registration and group members plus their contacts.

This proposal would then be presented to the banks which would be in charge of distributing the fund. These banks have still not been determined but they will be soon. Its an election year after all!

The other client did most of our Sherlock Holmes work and went further to ask if some proposals had already been approved.

“Ndio,” answered the officer, “There are some lucky ones who brought their proposals early so they might get grants directly from the ministry.”

“What about me? Can you fast track my proposal to include these?” queried the client. “Si unajua we’ll take care of you he heh!” This young guy in his twenties was implying offering a bribe.

We never knew whether he was serious because the officer was caught off guard and could only offer puzzled looks. He then laughed it off but the guy persisted without shame. It was obvious that the officer was only a PR guy and this dog was barking up the wrong tree. I always say, if one does something (good, bad or ugly), he/she should have the courtesy of doing it right. Kamlesh sorry, Paul… Pattni should be a good example; mine non-existent gold, export it, bribe half the government from the proceeds, deny any wrongdoing then claim Jesus Christ has saved you. After all this, run for Member of Parliament in Kenya.

It was disappointing to learn that there will be early direct beneficiaries. This means that the process might not be as transparent as the government claimed the Youth Fund would be. If such a windows of opportunity is what we are using to uproot the tall, thick tree of Kenyan corruption with then I might as well move to Nigeria or Colombia. They should strive to stick to a single sieve of getting worthy beneficiaries. The bank method is obviously the most suitable mode since the funds activities will be de-centralized and run by professionals. We all know what politics and money result to. However, the officer quickly confessed that no money had been issued yet until government concluded negotiations with the banking sector. He leaked that so far the highest request for funding had been KSh.5million. So if you have a burning business idea, join me in my quest to get rich and die laughing!

BABS Presents,

RIP OFFS: READ THE SMALLPRINT

 Celtel Backdoor Offers

Celtel Mobile Network’s new cheap Uhuru kwa Umoja Tariff bares small subtext that requires a credit cut of KSh.2.50 for every call received by the mobile user. I almost switched to this network but after I read it, I realized that Celtel bares too many hidden costs. Pink was never my color, I’ll remain with Safcom’s earthy green look.

Real reason why banks fear e-banking…

…Kenyan banks will always say that there are no suitable laws governing e-banking or the fear of electronic theft. While this is mostly true, very few of them are pushing for these laws to come into play. This is really because e-banking will eventually decrease the exorbitant fees that most banks charge for transactions. Cheque processing will be much cheaper and almost demand no fees at all. Counter based transactions shall decrease significantly thus cutting off the fee for over-the-counter money withdrawals (ATMs are still not wide spread!). Well, it is said -progress is a slow process.

Network marketing is a phenomena that has been in
Kenya for a while but is now getting more attention. This is the selling of products in a tree structure. This means that if I get into the venture I get other pips to buy the goods that I offer and in turn they can also help me to market them and sell them.

At one time I was slithered into such a venture by a close friend. She was very sleek and never initially told me where she was taking me.

“It will change your life,” she kept saying with excitement.

I was led to a small hall near the Nairobi CBD where people had gathered. All of them appeared to be in deep conversation. There were men and women from all walks of life. It seemed like a scene that you would get in church.

My guide still refused to say what it was all about but remained very assuring and introduced me to a few of her colleagues. Shortly a spokesperson headed to the front and started to talk of the company that was using network marketing. She spoke clearly and confidently explaining each and every step to getting rich. There were no lies and unnecessary twists. It was all about the participant convincing his/her friends to buy their idea and their friends doing the same to others. Each person got a certain percentage of commission. The more the marketers under you, the more the commission that trickles up to you.

The only problem with the speaker was that she was vague in saying that it is products that you are selling. She kept insisting that as you talk to a potential customer, you are selling the idea and not the product. If you want to sell anything whether in network marketing or otherwise this is true to a certain extent. What she failed in was making it clear that in the end, a product will have to be sold. Consequently, a fresh participant will only think about selling the idea and not knowing the price at which the goods have to be sold. There is no bargaining unless you fake a high price yourself. As a result a ‘fresher’ will have to find out for himself. The company was selling health products. Most of these included body detoxifiers, herbal tea, skin ointments and others. Everybody knows that they are necessary but not everybody can pay the high price that these excellent products are sold at.

I was such a person so I didn’t initially know the price of the goods. I tried later to ask my guide but she was not forth coming and in stead emphasized on selling the idea. Without this half-info I had to think of whether I could try my hand in it. Kumbe the venture requires quite some capital because to sell the products you must first by them yourself. This is another fact the speaker was not stating clearly. The price ranged from KSh.2000 and above. I definitely could not afford that without a basic salary. Secondly, I had to convince my family to buy them. It is easy to sell the idea but when they ask about the price then the problem begins. It is definite that in order to earn you not only have to get a willing buyer but to also convince him/her to buy the good. This was initially going to be a full time job because in my situation I have friends and family who are willing to buy the product but cannot purchase it due to financial constraints.

When you decide to get into network marketing make sure that you will not only sell the product but also have enough capital to buy it. Initially it will be like a full time job but if you succeed you will earn while you sleep. Have an open mind and if you have a dream other than network marketing make sure that you can postpone it but still use this scheme as a means to an end. This was why my friend never told me where she was taking me since I had to have an open mind. The decision is yours!

What does a woman look for when she first sees a man? It usually is, the shoe, the belt then the clad. In this era of T-Shirts and Jeans the belt is kind of hard to look at to gauge your prey unless the guy dresses like a MTV cribs star. These superstars have taught us to tuck in the front part of our tops so that label ya belt ionekane. Otherwise, the ladies will just have to wait until the man is in a compromising position to lift the shirt and check the belt.

In the quest of attracting as many beauties as possible in Casanova time, you must have a high quality pair of shoes. When shopping especially for mitumbas it is vital to know the shoe tasting skills. The cardinal rules are:

• Always look for a designer label that you know. Not Nicofilrepua as one of my pals had suggested a shoe would be branded when Nike, Converse, Fila, Reebok, Puma and Adidas decide to form a monopoly. Other knock-offs include Uma instead of Puma, Conversation instead of Converse, Filla and Niko
• Check for the fine finish. Loose stitches and poorly applied glue especially on the sole area are a No No. Use your thumb to gently but firmly press on the shoe seams.
• A white sneaker should be exactly that. Do not even think about buying one that you see or even feel has been painted with white cream. No brush marks should be seen.
• The sole is the soul of the shoe. There should be no sign of wear and tear.
• After all this is done, do not forget to check the right shoe with the same amount of tact that you did the left shoe. The left shoe is normally the one on display and is in top pimped up mode to attract the customer.
• It won’t hurt to go with a friend to help in the hunt but make sure that you do not go on a drinking spree before the purchase. This is tempting because you have money to waste (It happened to me!).

For top of the line sneakers at a low price, I recommend that you go to Moi Avenue close to Green Corner Restaurant. There are usually hawkers selling some really quality shoes at good prices. Due to City Council prohibitions and oppression, you will only find them past 7.30p.m. Remember to apply the cardinal rules to the letter or you will regret ever having read this.

If you are a fan of Sunbeam or Exhibitions, just half the price that you are used to and you will have an inkling of what to expect. This time you will not see another half-wit wearing the same shoe type that you are flossin’ with!

It is common knowledge that beauty comes at a price. Whether you are flirting with it or maintaining it. A perfect ten has an uncorrectable flaw and a six has to go to pains to look like a ten. The line between the 10 and 6 is very hazy in these modern times. There are plenty of places to ensure the 10 is never comfortable with her natural beauty. Competition is born at the wink of an eye or rise of an eyebrow.

Recently, I accompanied a lady to a beauty parlor along Tom Mboya Street in Nairobi. I was hesitant but she insisted. We used an elevator to the third floor of the building looking for Hilda for Eyebrows. She was well known and as we slithered through the curtain I was astonished at the number of women present. Under usual circumstances, I would be overjoyed but too many women just makes me shrink most of the time-hey that’s why I write. It is assumed that writers are sub-consciously loners. I just said hi and sat in awe of beauty.

As a man, I was shocked to learn about threading. This is the plucking and shaping of hair follicles to give the eyebrow a natural curve (To get the natural look you have to be artificial!). I was informed that it is 5 minutes of pain but in time you get used to it. The beautician skillfully rolls the thread through the eyebrow as the victim leans back on the seat with the eyes shut. My friend wanted to be the next fatality of Hilda.

Next time that you see your girl please note the shape of her eyebrow. When you notice a slight change later make sure you ask,

“Have you done something to your eyebrow?”

When she responds positively comment her on the new dimension of beauty it has taken her to. It will make up for all the pain experienced. This is the advice I got from my friend while she stared at me with teary, red eyes after being threaded.

Juzi nilikuwa nikisikiza Kasavuli halafu nikaona story ya supuu mmoja mwenye alikuwa treated by a dermatologist because of a certain skin disease that she had. She was given a sulphur-based cream to apply which ended up causing more harm than good. What made me pay attention to the story was that I have suffered a similar fate to the quarks who exist in the medicine profession. The few times that I have gone to see the white-coats have always been bad.

A while back, I had a skin ailment that would prove to be more of a problem than I thought. Don’t worry ladies, it was not an STD! I thought that it would go away but it stuck on.

I eventually went to a dispensary that boasts to have the best governmental dermatologists. As usual there was a long queue, so we shortened the wait by participating in some corruption. A relative of mine had been sharp enough to come with a bundle of cash.

Off I went to the doc, ahead of the KACC (Kenya Anti Corruption Commision) compliant pips. As soon as I got in, the smiling dermatologist who had just fattened his pockets told me to take my shirt off. I hesitated due to the rise of gays, but I was glad that I wasn’t in a church with an American priest. Anyway, after understandably keeping his distance while checking my back, he instantly knew the remedy. He advised me to go to a pharmacist whom he recommended since it was most likely a fungal infection.

The pharmacist also asked me to take of my shirt. She was a lady so it wasn’t much of a problem. Unlike the doc, she asked about my eating habits.

“Umekuwa ukikula proteins nyingi?”

“Ndio kuna times nimekuwa nikidishi eggs ka tatu a day plus soya in the morning badala ya chai,” I answered. She was still young so the converse was pretty casual. I explained that I occasionally do some weight-lifting but never gain weight!

“ Hiyo nd’o shida.” She commented with a smile. “Does anyone in your fam suffer from Asthma?” 

She said that there must have been a relative in my lineage who had asthma, which I later found out, was true.  In my case, instead of asthma I acquired an allergy to high level proteins. The rash was the result.

I bought the medication deciding to believe the professional dermatologist. Later on, after using the cream in vain, I resorted to the motherly advise of the pharmacist. Guess what? She was soooo correct that I should have sued him to his death. Thank God for career women.

There was also a time when I had a foot injury resulting from a stick that pierced the region next to my right big toe. Initially, I assumed it wasn’t serious but after three days indoors, I went to a clinic. The doctor cleaned the wound, gave me some tetanus shots and anti- biotics.

A week later, I was still house-locked and the wound was getting worse. I sought a second opinion and the doc told me that I had to be sedated. This was promptly done and I was high for a few seconds before the blackout. When I awoke, I literally had a hole in the right foot where the wound was. The doc had cleaned it thoroughly and removed a small stick that had been lodged in since I got the injury i.e. virtually two weeks. He said if it had stayed any longer I would have lost my toe.

My advice to anyone seeking medical advice is:

• Don’t give a bribe. I think it led the doctor into believing that I had enough cash thus he gave me the wrong diagnosis so that I keep coming back(a small Anglo-Leasing)
• Seek a second (and third) opinion if you are not satisfied. Whn I went to the dermatologist, he was the second doctor to see about the rash and only the pharmacist told me the truth.
• Don’t lift weights (ha ha!). Both situations arose from this addictive pass-time of mine.