SILLY MOVIE TITLE

In an earlier posting, I stated the outrageous titles modern movies are picking. Recently I saw the latest. The title speaks for itself:

‘Epic Movie’ (soon there shall be other descriptive movie titles e.g. Classic Movie, Comic Movie, Action Movie, Boring Movie etc.)

CREATIVE AD?

With the new Bonga Points from Safaricom Mobile Network, someone was inspired to get a slogan for a prepaid credit selling business. Since for each ten shillings anyone spends on a call, one earns a bonga point, the businessman claims that ‘He is selling Bonga Points’.

  AIM, FIRE!!

In campus one would expect that pips could use loos correctly instead, the same problem that there was at high school is propagated to university. I can only imagine what goes on in the heads of the learners of Crouching Man, Hidden Crap.  A study was conducted by Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches (B Double-R) Labs to uncover the mind of a toilet user. Let as assume the guy is named Goroka.

When Goroka approaches the loo, he sees an elevated sink. At first, he thinks that he is in the wrong room so he looks for a hole in the ground elsewhere but he only locates the small opening of the urinal. He duck walks back to the loo as he struggles to hold everything in. Before he gets in again, he surveys the vicinity and notices no strange looks so he must be in the correct place. This guy is used to pit latrines so he figures that he should perch on what he initially thought was a sink. He stares down to the bowl of the water closet and before he takes clear aim, it’s all out. He hits every thing but the bowl.

Somewhere outside the loo somebody hears a “whew”, “urgh” then “jinga hii”. Goroka opens the door and exchanges a look with the bewildered someone. The stench forces tears in the strangers eyes and a screwed up face. The uncomfortable second quickly dies off and he says, “I fired before I aimed!”

DARING TO LIVE

In my New Year posting, I stated that my resolution would be Never Holding Back.

Waq thanks for your encouraging comment.

It’s been an exciting few weeks in 2007 so far. I specified that each day I must meet and talk to a lady stranger. I have managed to keep this promise although I have a backlog of about 4 or 5 new acquaintances. Today I’m going to give you a sample of the goofy, the friendliest and the walking wall

Goofy: There was one time when I was just strolling when I saw a puss in boots. She had the lithe body of a model (an assumption that ended up being true) and short hair so I made my approach. After a brief chat, I asked why she had cut her hair. She said that she had suffered from Malaria, which gave her headaches so she decided to do it (What tha?).

Friendliest: She was fair skinned with a slightly pointed chin and a figure that would draw envy from the number 8. On chatting, she began yapping and yapping and yapping. She even mentioned a few past boyfriends and was strangely perceptive about where I was from. She correctly guessed the exact structure of my family without a second thought.  Her personal contacts were not non-existent and her smile was sincere. Yup, I must be in love!

Walking wall: I had this one coming!! I approached her at night as I walked along the paths of campus. Her small frame and stern look should have warned me. I blurted out that she must have been feeling cold since she only had a spaghetti top on. Her dagger eyes pierced through me as she warned me not to talk to her. I backed off like a whimpering dog.

 Through all this and more I am learning to overcome my shy side. When I think I can’t actually talk to a stranger, I first greet the most stern or bored person who walks by. If one responds positively (which always happens if you talk confidently), I usually get the courage to finally really vibe someone I have never met before. In case I experience a ‘slow’ day, I place myself in social situations such as games, idlers watching TV, lunch in a noisy kibanda, a friend who’s trying to hook up with a chic (That usually pisses them off but it’s easy to extinguish the blazing hate if you keep it brief and let it be the last resort).

The beauty of my resolution is that it’s helping me in other areas. Nowadays, I no longer have an idea; I execute it to the letter. This is what many people fail to do. If at all I have to be a millionaire by 25 (yeah right!) I might as well hit the ground running.

CNN Weather or Not is
Nairobi in Ethiopia?

The weathermen and women at the famed Cable News Network in U.S.A seem to have got it all wrong about the location of Nairobi City in my beloved country. It seems that their geographical database always places the city in Ethiopia. I guess that’s why the Kenyan government located General Mathenge’s (ex-Mau Mau Freedom fighter) imposter in the same country.

  Oops, the Rapture might have already happened

A few days ago I was awoken by silence, too much silence. It was the ungodly hour of 3a.m, which is said to be the peak hour for the Devil’s network. Strangely, I was not sweating and everything was coldly still. My cell phone suddenly felt like good company. I pushed a button and it lit up to life but its unearthly brightness struck a chord within me.

The rapture might have already occurred.

Earlier, before I went to bed I was sent to the shops and met some of my friends. Within no time, I was entangled in their web of vibe about 24, Prison Break, Heroes etc. An hour passed by and when I finally got back home my parents were relieved. My dad went on to talk about several friends and relatives who disappeared without a trace. Some time ago my cousin left home for work and never came back later a friend of my dad underwent a similar fate.

The Bible says that the Christ will come for his chosen like a thief in the night. One by one people might be disappearing. They simply vanish into the earth’s thick fog and smog. Who said the rapture will take place at once? God’s time is different from human time (GMT, CAT etc). Enoch from the Bible, who ‘walked with God until he was no more’…might have been the first candidate!

Most silly logic

Gentle Blue detergent in their radio ad claims that since its wash results in improved and enhanced bright colors, the kids will in turn be bright (and they were not referring to their clothes but brains).

Funniest

The ad is based on the presently common mode of catching a lover cheating; simply call a radio station and request the presenter to call the cheat. The accused will sleekly be lured into the verge of admitting that the estranged girlfriend is not really ‘the number one’ and voila!

As the ad begins, a pastor accuses the husband of constantly talking of breasts and thighs. The former perfectly brings out a heavily Kikuyu influenced English accent as the betrayed wife sobs. Then the accused finally admits that he was only speaking about chicken.

The ad is credited to Kenchic.

 Watching paint dry

The current Safaricom ad is long, has an irrelevant British hymn soundtrack, no message (just scenic shots of different parts of Kenya) and is aired constantly before the 7 O’clock news. This qualifies its comparison to watching paint dry or more boring.

PS: There is actually a website that displays drying paint.

There are a growing number of opportunists who are clever enough to do the legal with an illegal twist. It is widely known that the Nairobi Stock Exchange is currently experiencing an economic bubble. Bugzzalot Amateur Business School is on the prowl for schemes to make money quickly before the bubble bursts. We turned to the history catalogues in the web infested mint machines of BABS and uncovered a get rich quick or burst scheme masking through the streets of Nairobi.

Just imagine being offered the opportunity to invest your cash and assured of a return double its amount in 42 days. In case you deposit over KSh. 5000, you are guaranteed to get double that amount in two months i.e. 65days. This money-luscious project is already underway in the streets and several people are eating off the cream. A pal invested KSh. 10000 and got back 12500 off the top in two months i.e 2.5 times the initial deposit. The owners of this business venture are very prominent personalities including former MP Joe Donde (unconfirmed). They have apparently refused to disclose the secret to their phenomenal growth. Currently, they are in the process of expanding to other areas like Thika township.

BABs of course can pick out a needle in a haystack. It is clear that if they are not involved in the drug trade then they must be on the NSE. In this era of IPOs, it is virtually a no-risk process to invest in stock if one has an inside man. The offerings will be sold at a low initial price then when trading opens on the stock exchange; the price will increase by about 10-20%, which is normal due to high demand. Our research included a case study of the Silicon Valley Economic Bubble of the US. This was aptly named due to the 1995-1999 period where IT based companies had public offerings for shares which nearly quadrupled in value within the initial trading day. During this ‘extra blue chip’ time, some people invested $250,000 and made a million within six months (proven fact). When the bubble finally burst thousands of these companies shut down. This left the clever opportunists dead broke.

The Professor-wannabes at BABS were curious about the time period of either 42 or 65 days in the get rich or burst scheme. Last year, there were several IPOs including Kengen, Equity Bank and Eveready, each just a few months apart. This year, more are bound to come leading to the rise of the Kenyan Silicon Valley.

 The recent debacle of the CFC Bank that recorded the highest ever share value in Kenya at KSh. 900 was just the beginning.  This increase of over KSh. 750 took place within a single trading day. Although the price closed at 368 shillings later due to the fear generated by its instability, the damage had been done. The meteoric rise had been caused by the announcement that CFC would merge with Stanbic Bank based in South Africa. Meanwhile, Stanbic Bank Uganda opened trading after their IPO at thrice the buying price of the initial shares. The highly anticipated but unconfirmed Safaricom IPO will definitely be over subscribed enough to cause a huge hold up of monies for other investments. If not well co-coordinated, the banking sector may be crippled for a few days. To curb hungry investors, BABS is sure that the shares will be sold at sky-high prices but this will not stop Kenyans (remember Mumias Sugar). Anyway, the get rich quick scheme is only bound to benefit from this thus the investors will see good returns because akina Donde must also have other investment portfolios.

The scheme must be illegal but the end justifies the means. After all, what does one stand to lose if you get back what you had initially put in. Try 1000 then see if it works. I can dare to live with that but any more and we may fight! Akina Donde must be getting more than enough to feed their extended family plus distant light-year away cousins. Normal commission for stock brokerage is about 2% but I think the clever guys must be getting multiple times over that. These Dondes might be trying to make a political comeback through this scheme. Its 2007 and it’s a rat race for the General Elections…

BE CAREFUL!

PS: The current streamlining of the insurance industry is bound to bring good tidings to investors.

Youth Enterprise Fund: How to make the KSH. 50,000 last long

BABS went to trail an entrepreneur who was frustrated by the recent move by the stakeholders of the fund to initially only dish out 50Gs to groups of 12. When one combines the Bible and the City Council there is bound to be a sin city in the offing. We came across this sole proprietor in Bugzzatopia who is in the process of devising a way to rip the most out of the Youth Fund. She did the mathematics of only 4G for each group member and found out that the cash would only be good for a night out in Westlands, Nairobi.

She presented us with a copy of 12 names while she worked in her small stall. She confessed that she is the 12^th disciple who will betray the others. The rest of the group members have no idea why she asked for their names. All of them are from Gishagi/Ocha/Ushago/Countryside and are used to lounging at Mama Pima’s chang’aa drinkers joint. If her scheme succeeds, our entrepreneur will buy all her soon to be fired members KSh. 1000 worth of chang’aa or kumi kumi to make sure that they either die or become blind for the rest of their lifetimes due to the deadman’s drinks. This will be the simple part of the plan; the rock and hard place trap will arise when the fund managers come knocking to ensure that her biz is legit.

The 23 year old will overcome this by showing them her biz certificate. Of course her biz had been registered 10 years ago. She had inherited it from her father as an only child. He had been killed while she was a teenager and her mother is currently at Lang’ata Prison for the murder. Her abusive dad could only manage to leave one positive legacy.  Her traumatic childhood had led her into a life based on a cloth of thinly laced trust and a hustling spirit. She had worked with several temporary employees so the over time she had upgraded her business into a company after conning one of the hundreds of corrupt City Council officials. This was done just in time before the announcement of the upcoming Youth Fund in 2005. Her list of 11 ghost workers will function similarly to the City Council payroll that has always featured retired and non-existent names.

When inspected the bia will obviously be there with only her and a few of her temporary workers. The training program for her ‘group’ will be the most difficult to evade but she will handle that when she gets there. The worst that could happen for lying to the government will be ending up in Lang’ata Prison where she will get to meet her mum. She might later use her cloth weaving skills to Prison Break out of jail after all, several cons in Kenya have leisurely walked out through holes in the wall, fallen prison trucks and unsecured law courts.

She has managed her small business to survive since she got her Voters’ Card. Although she has never voted, she hopes that the Youth Fund will lead to her success. She trusts none of her relatives. In fact, most of them alienated her due to the history of her kin but she has devised a way to milk the little cash from the Youth Fund cow.

I was informed that she is hopeful that her plan will work due to the bureaucracy that goes with such funds. Even up to this point, the government has not clearly spelt out the policy that will govern the fund. Nobody is sure whether individuals will be able to access the fund without having to go through the group stages. In an election year, as much as the government might deny it, the fund will be embroiled in politics otherwise it would have been introduced earlier. I am sure they will promise a new constitution if they win a second term!!!!

The water is taking a bath

When you bath with clean water you clean yourself -when you accidentally dip yourself in dirty water you are actually cleaning the water!

I love sitting on the bench

Arsenal got the bragging rights for the English Premiership Season after defeating arch rivals Manchester United. Die-hard fans in Kenya celebrated so maniacally that I mistakenly assumed that Thierry Henry and Van Persie had dished out cash to them.

This inspired the odd thought that the judiciary is the only place where sitting on the bench is revered. Ask Justice Aganyanya who was recently cleared of corruption charges by a tribunal. All the judges who appealed against their suspension in the government’s Radical Surgery of the Judiciary have so far been cleared.

There will be a vacancy for a new surgeon in Dec2007!

Gone are the days when I used to go to church just to listen to the pastor at the opaque pulpit. The modern pulpit is made of glass to show transparency and accountability but behind the light there is much darkness. I see a tunnel at the end of the light.

The soaps that are being created by the drama in church are setting new standards in entertainment. Kenya is set to become the next Hollywood. India opened the market with Bollywood, Nigeria followed with Nollywood and Kenya might take to Kenwood. Christianity is soon going to be a compulsory unit for a course in Public Relations (PR). The con artist Paul formerly known as Kamlesh Pattni blazed the trail by declaring his born again self in church. This followed the tax consuming court cases before he was found non-guilty of crippling Kenya’s economy in the Goldenberg scandal. Hot on the trail came Ndura Waruinge and Maina Njenga, the Mungiki sect non-leaders. Pastor Ndura is still preaching to the prisoners while in remand.

Despite the early signs from Mason Betha (Mase of Bad Boy then G-Unit Records) and Robert Kelly (R-Kelly), we were not prepared for Bishop Margaret Wanjiru and Pastor Pius Muiru (PM) who passed through the Christian School of non-PR. PM thinks he is destined to be an MP by reversing his initials. On further thought, he decided that fate had dealt him a winning hand and declared his ambitions to run for Presidency in the 2007 General Elections. He is running on a RAP-Kenya ticket. There was Ford-Kenya, Narc-Kenya and ODM- Kenya thus he does not want to completely rely on his God but also on wordy logic. Meanwhile, he is juggling his career PR progression with litigation launched against him. It is claimed that he imported electronic goods under the non-pretext that they were church material in order to evade tax.

PR is all about perception so Margaret formerly known as Mrs. Kamangu was shocked when her apparently ex non-husband showed up to declare that her children have a vacancy for a father. Bishop Margaret ‘Thatcher’ swung an iron fist and vehemently denied her non-marriage to Mr. Kamangu, who she declared had jiggers in his hands (They must have been very intimate for her to see such detail). Kamangu came out with proof of their marriage with picture evidence that was not Adobe Photoshop work. Thatcher became defensive and offered non-proof of marriage while diverting attention when she announced that she was a virgin as a young form-three girl. This was supposed to place her atop the pedestal of the several Kenyan virgins at 17. A few were impressed and quickly confessed that they were not deflowered until marriage but Thatcher was traded rose for rose at a tender age and bore two children who she seems to forget, have emotions. The father vacancy was although too big for Kamangu’s jigger infested limbs and he took out his frustrations on Thatcher. She moved on just in time and now manages a lucrative transport business while shepherding a highly successful church. She is an Iron Lady and did not hesitate to command Kamangu to hang himself instead of ‘lethal injectioning’ himself. Saddam Hussein declared that only brave men die by the hangman’s noose so Kamangu cannot be perceived as brave for coming out to spoil Maggie’s plans to hold office.

Conclusively, these church leaders who are case studies on non-PR need to go back to school since they do not realize that politics is a dirty game. The road would have been smoother for Maggie if she had admitted to the truth and let sleeping dogs (with their jiggers) lie. The church might soon absorb this model judging from our perception of things to come.

Pastor Muiru get prepared, a wife will surface from the streets that you came from!!

Last week, I was listening to Marcus and Leo of Capital FM talking about how everyone breaks their New Years resolutions by the 14^th of Jan. This is true but I am not one to back down from a challenge. I had only a single resolution; never to hold back. As short as the sentence is, it’s bound for life imprisonment and lately; Kenyan prisoners have been apparently walking away from their chains. It happened twice this week. This would draw envy from unlikely quarters such as Paul and Silas’ opening of the prison gates during Roman Bible times. I guess they have been inspired by stories from Super Series such as Prison Break that is currently inspiring grunts and screams from my mum. It is being aired on KTN and although I already watched the whole 1st season I love to see the wrinkles forming on the faces of my family as they paste their eyes on the suspense of the series.

 Hey Couch Tato, I checked out your blog. It’s a great big/small screen review site! Psst, someone has already acquired the complete 24 season 6; believe it or not! Keep an eye out on the Golden Globe Awards. 

Yesterday, I decided to be more specific and promised myself that I would make sure that I meet and talk to a new lady each day. I have always known that I am shy but now I want to break this chain and behave like the
US on AlQaeda in Somalia. The US dares to live (then die in mini-9/11s), which is the year’s theme of this blog. I plan to stick to my dare by ensuring that if I do not perform it, it must be carried forward. I began serving this life sentence on Thurs of which I made a new pal. I failed on Friday so today; I have to talk to two ladies. Somebody might ask what about the men? Oh, yes what about them?

Never holding back also includes making money, which is why Bugzzalot Amateur Business School (BABS) will be particularly active this year. There are several ideas raging from the many guys in my MPD head. Strangely enough, Celtel’s Uhuru offer gave Safaricom a run for their greens but MJ (Michael Joseph, CEO Safcom) still had a moonwalk and a swing for their pink golf balls. He introduced the Saasa Tariff that I am currently enjoying. My sweet nothings now occur from 2-8p.m at only KSh.8 per minute. SMS is at KSh.2.50 so nyeee nye nye to the Pinkies. Meanwhile, the current Safcom ad is boring me to death!! It reminds me of a certain long dragging high school hymnal. They might as well have used a soundtrack like ‘Joto Wangu’ by Circute who is so offbeat while he raps that he takes the whack flow phenomenon to the 4^th dimension. DJ John then dares to live by pitting Ciara’s ‘Promise’ against him in H2O’s battle of the beats. The Safari Cane ‘Exactly…’ ad has also been voted by Bugzzalot as the worst TV ad but there is never bad publicity.

There are rumors milling around that state that NASA had warned Kenya of Rift Valley Fever as early as Sept 2006. It was said that one of their satellites had tracked some livestock. Observers at NASA deciphered fever symptoms when some of them bled and died. If you have ever read a Tom Clancy novel then you must surely be aware of the presence of this technology (Check out Google Earth if thou art still in doubt).

It is apparently unsafe to drive in Naivasha. This Rift Valley town has claimed the lives of several Kenyans in the past one week. MP Ochillo Ayacko’s Range Rover was not spared. People say that there are a number of Devil Worshippers around this region and I’ll leave it at that! Talking of MPs, Raila is a blogger! I might vote for him just for that because politicians rarely do much else that is useful to my life. I read this fact in yesters paper (Nation). It claimed there are fewer than 200 Kenyan bloggers (there should be more; that makes me unique). Penninah Karibe (NTV’s weather anchor) should now forecast political climate.

 Hey Sam, Penny now wears more skirts. Perhaps she read my blog that noted that she only wore one skirt last year. By the way, I never said penny is not fly.  

The article on the Nation Newspaper went ahead to predict that e-mail will soon be obsolete and blogs will rule. This is farfetched and I hardly think it will happen unless surfing becomes free all over the world and people quit their jobs to blog. I actually miss writing snail mail. The art of holding a plain old Bic pen and writing on solid paper is so personal, so classic, so… Anyway, the beauty of a computer is that you can bubble on then edit later without having to rewrite it. Our thoughts fly off as they were intended so don’t mind the Odd English on this article.

Finally, I saw ‘Wakuume’, a video single by Ugandan female music group Obsession. It’s a sexy clip that needs no understanding of the UG native language for one to enjoy it (oh, and the music). There is a scene where the four beauties cover their breasts with only their hands and…and… and…and…

Much love to all who have dared to view my blog over the past year. From being told that my writing style is whack to being advised to replace Oyunga Pala in Nation newspapers, I tried to enjoy my virgin year. Another ‘fan’ called me a whore even before I did. In my very first article, I warned bloggers that Bugzzalot suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. These personalities have just multiplied from the traumas in my head that I received in 2006 from the modest amount of hits on my webpage.

 I am still recovering from the Celebrity Goofs article which I had previously written. I got so many positive and negative reactions that I have to REACT! Watch out for a more creative, informative, interactive and controversial 2007. My only principle as a blogger is never to diss someone if I can’t take a personal diss and that’s why I don’t edit comments from anyone. Thank you all!

HAVE A TOLAZZGUB NEW YEAR!!

Bugzzalot Amateur Business School (BABS) has hit the ground running this year with a few peculiar observations. A hot topic will be the Youth Fund. This will be the government sponsored re-election brainchild that will fund young business entrepreneurs in 2007 and beyond so our Professor wannabes went in search of answers. The government has so far said that banks will be the sole distributors of the fund, which has been allocated KSh.1 Billion. This cold cash will be repaid by each successful applicant at a fairly low interest of about 7% per annum.

Our journey began in the streets of
Nairobi. The quick paced city dwellers did not seem to notice our ill fitted suits and loosely hanged ties. This made us comfortable but soon we realized that we had no idea where our Youth Affairs Ministry is based. We did not even have an inkling of the name of the minister in charge but since we new that finding him is like getting to Osama bin Laden, we did not bother to get this easily available data. We had to walk in the yellow pages that are normally chained to Telkom’s vandalized phone booths but alas, our fingers fell on all the other government ministries but the one required. We could not believe that they were not listed in the 2006 directory. Our resourceful minds decided to call the Ministry of Culture and Social Services Inquiries Desk. The person on the other end was fortunately not a ‘coat hanger’ (employee who eludes work by hanging his coat on his chair to indicate his presence and then running off for long tea and lunch break meetings!). We were promptly directed to Kencom House 3^rd Floor.

We strolled through the crowds at Kencom Bus Stop. It was strangely void of street performers and preachers. Perhaps they were still planning new year resolutions to get off the street and form a new Reddykyulass or mabati-laced church. The guards at the stiffly rectangular Kencom House were very friendly as they searched us for bombs or guns. When we got to the 3^rd floor, we were informed to head to the human resource office. We thought that we would get men in business suits but instead a uniformed officer welcomed us. We were unimpressed by the empty office without even the customary President Kibaki picture looking down on us. We assumed that since it was a relatively new ministry the deplorable state was forgivable.

The young officer already had another client but since he was explaining what we wanted to hear, we just slid in. He informed us that a proposal was needed if one wanted some of that cash on loan. The proposal must include:

• The business name and introduction
• Project description
• Work plan to achieve the goals
• The budget (of course)
• Why one needs funding (Cause am broke?????)
• Certificate of company registration and group members plus their contacts.

This proposal would then be presented to the banks which would be in charge of distributing the fund. These banks have still not been determined but they will be soon. Its an election year after all!

The other client did most of our Sherlock Holmes work and went further to ask if some proposals had already been approved.

“Ndio,” answered the officer, “There are some lucky ones who brought their proposals early so they might get grants directly from the ministry.”

“What about me? Can you fast track my proposal to include these?” queried the client. “Si unajua we’ll take care of you he heh!” This young guy in his twenties was implying offering a bribe.

We never knew whether he was serious because the officer was caught off guard and could only offer puzzled looks. He then laughed it off but the guy persisted without shame. It was obvious that the officer was only a PR guy and this dog was barking up the wrong tree. I always say, if one does something (good, bad or ugly), he/she should have the courtesy of doing it right. Kamlesh sorry, Paul… Pattni should be a good example; mine non-existent gold, export it, bribe half the government from the proceeds, deny any wrongdoing then claim Jesus Christ has saved you. After all this, run for Member of Parliament in Kenya.

It was disappointing to learn that there will be early direct beneficiaries. This means that the process might not be as transparent as the government claimed the Youth Fund would be. If such a windows of opportunity is what we are using to uproot the tall, thick tree of Kenyan corruption with then I might as well move to Nigeria or Colombia. They should strive to stick to a single sieve of getting worthy beneficiaries. The bank method is obviously the most suitable mode since the funds activities will be de-centralized and run by professionals. We all know what politics and money result to. However, the officer quickly confessed that no money had been issued yet until government concluded negotiations with the banking sector. He leaked that so far the highest request for funding had been KSh.5million. So if you have a burning business idea, join me in my quest to get rich and die laughing!

BABS Presents,

RIP OFFS: READ THE SMALLPRINT

 Celtel Backdoor Offers

Celtel Mobile Network’s new cheap Uhuru kwa Umoja Tariff bares small subtext that requires a credit cut of KSh.2.50 for every call received by the mobile user. I almost switched to this network but after I read it, I realized that Celtel bares too many hidden costs. Pink was never my color, I’ll remain with Safcom’s earthy green look.

Real reason why banks fear e-banking…

…Kenyan banks will always say that there are no suitable laws governing e-banking or the fear of electronic theft. While this is mostly true, very few of them are pushing for these laws to come into play. This is really because e-banking will eventually decrease the exorbitant fees that most banks charge for transactions. Cheque processing will be much cheaper and almost demand no fees at all. Counter based transactions shall decrease significantly thus cutting off the fee for over-the-counter money withdrawals (ATMs are still not wide spread!). Well, it is said -progress is a slow process.

Not DAMN, Prezzo and Wyre on the same video

Kenyan Rapper Prezzo and RnB artist Wyre’s new ‘Gimme the Music’ video begins with a fly chic quipping, “Wyre and Prezzo on the same track, DAMN!!” With such an intro, one definitely expects a dope clip full of the choreography that Wyre has fashioned his brand name with and a few blingy things from the ‘President’. Instead, we are treated to Nix and his partner standing like statues. Prezzo meanwhile just sways to the otherwise groovy beat with enough machismo to shame a WWE wrestler. The video fails to match with the hot tune and catchy vocals. The hot chics don’t even dance. The director decides to make fading ‘news shots’ of them i.e. only the head and shoulders. Perhaps the idea was just to give fans a taste of what to expect so that we only urge them to Give Us The Music and forget the video!

Who is better Abbas or Nyashinski?

Bugzzalot has the answer to this…Abbas a.k.a Doobiez! If you’ve listened to the Artists.ke collabo track titled ‘Tatizo’ Abbas kills it. There has been controversy between the two since Nyash and his Kleptomaniacs colleagues declared themselves Kings of Rap in
Kenya. Abbas quickly pointed out that there are better rappers in the industry than the Klepto trio, who are famed for their ‘Tuendelee’ single. This is true to a large extent as everyone knows. In the ‘Tatizo’ song Nyash claims his primary school bad boy attitude and brags about being a bully. Nobody loves a bully and his lines are weak compared to Abbas. Abbas fires up the track when he says: Unanikumbusha Mariah vile umecarry (twisting the name Mariah Carey to express his love of voluptuous ladies. I’ve seen his girlfriend; he’s not lying.) Or Niko juu ya maji kama ferry(referring to his drunken state since kuwa maji is to be drunk). ‘Tatizo’ also features Jua Cali and Nameless with lead vocals from Pam (former Coca-Cola pop star from the Sema group) and another fly talented chic whom I’ve never managed to acquire her name. Produced by Clemo of Calif Records, the track has been receiving colossal in the media. I actually watched the clip on TV three times in a span of two hours from KBC’s Club One, NTV’s The Beat and Citizen’s X-Treme. The Abbas and Nyash verses are strangely placed together. Perhaps Clemo wanted to settle the controversy for good!

Ogopa Dance School

Ogopa DJs are still striving to teach us how to dance with their new hits from Habib, Longombas and Kalaharians.

Habib in his new collabo intro sings:

Shaky Shaky Shaky Shaky…

Longombas in their ‘Chukua’ single does the same except in Swahili:

Tingi Tingi Tingi Tingisha

Perhaps DJ John of H2O show on KTN picked  up on this yester (3^rd Jan 2006) and played the songs back to back. I noticed that both lines were sung in exactly the same rhythm.

Straight Girl

Lina of Str8Up Show on KTN is getting Leaner!! Perhaps she is living up to her implied name: Lina-Leaner.

An eye for the Queer Guy

I’ve heard of a similar titled hit show in the US.

 We initially called these guys homosexuals, then gay and now queer. Perhaps next in line we’ll have strangers then finally the girl next door. I am not ashamed of being called a heterosexual. Why then is ‘homo’ offensive to most of these guys? Lesbians don’t complain when they are called, you guessed right, Lesbians!