Woes of a cellphone in 2027

I am done with my owner. She incessantly pushes my buttons. I think that she assumes that I was the one hit album Pussycat Dolls (PCD). She has on several occasions put me on vibrate and shoved me into her purse then within no time I smell her breath. Sometimes it’s mint fresh but in the morning, just in case I ring, I can’t stand it. I hate that although she talks to her pals through me, I can’t really talk back. It’s all the fault of my designer and programmer but at least I am not like my predecessors who could only run a Mteja hapatikani message. Currently, I can say “Good morning’’, alert her about new messages and update my stupid user about weather and such. I wish a virus infected me so that I could safely say that there is no weather today ha ha!

I heard from my predecessor that at one time my ancestors were only used to satisfy the basic need of communication. They were only meant for the traditional call. Currently, I possess he power of a 2006 laptop. This has made my owner feed me with dozens of data from the Internet. She even downloads stuff that her would make her perverted stalkers seem like angels. This is despite the predicted earthquake that rocked Nairobi back in 2007. Dr. Owuor was marked as the prophet of doom then but my owner was so young that she thought that her mum-to-be was having a mega burp or fart from morning sickness. I know this because I am programmed to hold the history of my owner. My body is also made of recycled parts that have been refurbished to the highest standards of the New World Order.

Kenyan President Stanley Livondo recently met with former U.S President Barack Obama. Kenyans’ forgiving and forgetful nature shoved his “Make It Rain (Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne)” money incident in 2007 into twilight territory. He had literally poured money to cash starved constituents in the name of campaigns. Although this strategy backfired, the recently introduced SMS voting system was a good rigging opportunity for him. It was rumored that the 3 times Kora Award Winning Valerie (Tusker Project Fame 2006 winner) had used this mode by buying a number of her pals credit in order to garner as much votes as possible. Obama, Sean “Sir Diddy Bop” Combs and Tyra Banks are among the wealthiest people in the world. Obama had thrice topped the list of the World’s Sexiest Men. He was instrumental in founding the New World Order.

Time has changed how people think about me. For instance, my owner uses the Internet through me for satellite radio/ TV so I am the current source of zombies. Everything is wireless and smaller. While she walks in the city, as long as I am close to her swaying hips, she is totally consumed in the world that I create. She has not yet fully embraced modern technology so she maintains a removable earpiece. I heard her claiming that she found it uncomfortable so I always end up stuck next to her ear and mouth. If she cared about me, then she would use the new Pentium10 Biochip. This would be embedded in her inner ear to give me the opportunity to just chillax by her hip as she channeled her gossip to her friend on the other end.

As I fed my owner with the morning news, I learnt that I am responsible for the death of cyber cafes. These venues of Internet surfing died gradually as I became more capable of broadband transmission. VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) has developed so far that my owner now talks with her friends through the Net.  SMS is also via the Net so the old Mobile Networks have made a complete restructuring and are virtually working like e-businesses or ISPs. New Tarrifs replaced Saasa and Sema. These include Niaje, Gota, Choma, Qerea, Munju and Kumbati that add to the greeting based branding of the ‘Green’ Public Limited Company. It is now 50% owned by individual shareholders. The 2010 Kenyan economic recession reduced it to a loss making entity. There are two other Mobile Networks, which are exclusively for post-paid clients.  Blue tooth technology is almost everywhere and has advanced to the level that my owner uses me as an Internet wireless connection for her computer. I am simply glad that I am on the new postpaid network.

My integrated services are taken for granted. The i-Phone didn’t do much to raise the profits of Apple Company so right now I still rein supreme but they snatched the Video Games market by introducing the first smart card (Cash is rarely used in this era) friendly 3D Gaming Console. Microsoft is still struggling to enable me to project video game holograms but Sony seems to have the upper hand.

So you better hold on to your SIM card and be ready to see more of me in time. I am ranked as the 12^th Modern World Wonder after the I-Robot in 2015.

SAFCOM MANIA

Bonga Pints

New offer from Safaricom. For adults only, 1 beer bottle for every 10 Bonga points at any club in any town.

PS: All terms and conditions apply when you are alcohol free.

Best Billboard

On the real, there is a natural billboard at Jogoo Road just before one reaches the flyover next to City Stadium. The Safcom Logo has been grown from the ground on the slope of the ditch along the roadside. The plants were neatly rooted to form the logo.

There are a growing number of opportunists who are clever enough to do the legal with an illegal twist. It is widely known that the Nairobi Stock Exchange is currently experiencing an economic bubble. Bugzzalot Amateur Business School is on the prowl for schemes to make money quickly before the bubble bursts. We turned to the history catalogues in the web infested mint machines of BABS and uncovered a get rich quick or burst scheme masking through the streets of Nairobi.

Just imagine being offered the opportunity to invest your cash and assured of a return double its amount in 42 days. In case you deposit over KSh. 5000, you are guaranteed to get double that amount in two months i.e. 65days. This money-luscious project is already underway in the streets and several people are eating off the cream. A pal invested KSh. 10000 and got back 12500 off the top in two months i.e 2.5 times the initial deposit. The owners of this business venture are very prominent personalities including former MP Joe Donde (unconfirmed). They have apparently refused to disclose the secret to their phenomenal growth. Currently, they are in the process of expanding to other areas like Thika township.

BABs of course can pick out a needle in a haystack. It is clear that if they are not involved in the drug trade then they must be on the NSE. In this era of IPOs, it is virtually a no-risk process to invest in stock if one has an inside man. The offerings will be sold at a low initial price then when trading opens on the stock exchange; the price will increase by about 10-20%, which is normal due to high demand. Our research included a case study of the Silicon Valley Economic Bubble of the US. This was aptly named due to the 1995-1999 period where IT based companies had public offerings for shares which nearly quadrupled in value within the initial trading day. During this ‘extra blue chip’ time, some people invested $250,000 and made a million within six months (proven fact). When the bubble finally burst thousands of these companies shut down. This left the clever opportunists dead broke.

The Professor-wannabes at BABS were curious about the time period of either 42 or 65 days in the get rich or burst scheme. Last year, there were several IPOs including Kengen, Equity Bank and Eveready, each just a few months apart. This year, more are bound to come leading to the rise of the Kenyan Silicon Valley.

 The recent debacle of the CFC Bank that recorded the highest ever share value in Kenya at KSh. 900 was just the beginning.  This increase of over KSh. 750 took place within a single trading day. Although the price closed at 368 shillings later due to the fear generated by its instability, the damage had been done. The meteoric rise had been caused by the announcement that CFC would merge with Stanbic Bank based in South Africa. Meanwhile, Stanbic Bank Uganda opened trading after their IPO at thrice the buying price of the initial shares. The highly anticipated but unconfirmed Safaricom IPO will definitely be over subscribed enough to cause a huge hold up of monies for other investments. If not well co-coordinated, the banking sector may be crippled for a few days. To curb hungry investors, BABS is sure that the shares will be sold at sky-high prices but this will not stop Kenyans (remember Mumias Sugar). Anyway, the get rich quick scheme is only bound to benefit from this thus the investors will see good returns because akina Donde must also have other investment portfolios.

The scheme must be illegal but the end justifies the means. After all, what does one stand to lose if you get back what you had initially put in. Try 1000 then see if it works. I can dare to live with that but any more and we may fight! Akina Donde must be getting more than enough to feed their extended family plus distant light-year away cousins. Normal commission for stock brokerage is about 2% but I think the clever guys must be getting multiple times over that. These Dondes might be trying to make a political comeback through this scheme. Its 2007 and it’s a rat race for the General Elections…

BE CAREFUL!

PS: The current streamlining of the insurance industry is bound to bring good tidings to investors.

Youth Enterprise Fund: How to make the KSH. 50,000 last long

BABS went to trail an entrepreneur who was frustrated by the recent move by the stakeholders of the fund to initially only dish out 50Gs to groups of 12. When one combines the Bible and the City Council there is bound to be a sin city in the offing. We came across this sole proprietor in Bugzzatopia who is in the process of devising a way to rip the most out of the Youth Fund. She did the mathematics of only 4G for each group member and found out that the cash would only be good for a night out in Westlands, Nairobi.

She presented us with a copy of 12 names while she worked in her small stall. She confessed that she is the 12^th disciple who will betray the others. The rest of the group members have no idea why she asked for their names. All of them are from Gishagi/Ocha/Ushago/Countryside and are used to lounging at Mama Pima’s chang’aa drinkers joint. If her scheme succeeds, our entrepreneur will buy all her soon to be fired members KSh. 1000 worth of chang’aa or kumi kumi to make sure that they either die or become blind for the rest of their lifetimes due to the deadman’s drinks. This will be the simple part of the plan; the rock and hard place trap will arise when the fund managers come knocking to ensure that her biz is legit.

The 23 year old will overcome this by showing them her biz certificate. Of course her biz had been registered 10 years ago. She had inherited it from her father as an only child. He had been killed while she was a teenager and her mother is currently at Lang’ata Prison for the murder. Her abusive dad could only manage to leave one positive legacy.  Her traumatic childhood had led her into a life based on a cloth of thinly laced trust and a hustling spirit. She had worked with several temporary employees so the over time she had upgraded her business into a company after conning one of the hundreds of corrupt City Council officials. This was done just in time before the announcement of the upcoming Youth Fund in 2005. Her list of 11 ghost workers will function similarly to the City Council payroll that has always featured retired and non-existent names.

When inspected the bia will obviously be there with only her and a few of her temporary workers. The training program for her ‘group’ will be the most difficult to evade but she will handle that when she gets there. The worst that could happen for lying to the government will be ending up in Lang’ata Prison where she will get to meet her mum. She might later use her cloth weaving skills to Prison Break out of jail after all, several cons in Kenya have leisurely walked out through holes in the wall, fallen prison trucks and unsecured law courts.

She has managed her small business to survive since she got her Voters’ Card. Although she has never voted, she hopes that the Youth Fund will lead to her success. She trusts none of her relatives. In fact, most of them alienated her due to the history of her kin but she has devised a way to milk the little cash from the Youth Fund cow.

I was informed that she is hopeful that her plan will work due to the bureaucracy that goes with such funds. Even up to this point, the government has not clearly spelt out the policy that will govern the fund. Nobody is sure whether individuals will be able to access the fund without having to go through the group stages. In an election year, as much as the government might deny it, the fund will be embroiled in politics otherwise it would have been introduced earlier. I am sure they will promise a new constitution if they win a second term!!!!

Gone are the days when I used to go to church just to listen to the pastor at the opaque pulpit. The modern pulpit is made of glass to show transparency and accountability but behind the light there is much darkness. I see a tunnel at the end of the light.

The soaps that are being created by the drama in church are setting new standards in entertainment. Kenya is set to become the next Hollywood. India opened the market with Bollywood, Nigeria followed with Nollywood and Kenya might take to Kenwood. Christianity is soon going to be a compulsory unit for a course in Public Relations (PR). The con artist Paul formerly known as Kamlesh Pattni blazed the trail by declaring his born again self in church. This followed the tax consuming court cases before he was found non-guilty of crippling Kenya’s economy in the Goldenberg scandal. Hot on the trail came Ndura Waruinge and Maina Njenga, the Mungiki sect non-leaders. Pastor Ndura is still preaching to the prisoners while in remand.

Despite the early signs from Mason Betha (Mase of Bad Boy then G-Unit Records) and Robert Kelly (R-Kelly), we were not prepared for Bishop Margaret Wanjiru and Pastor Pius Muiru (PM) who passed through the Christian School of non-PR. PM thinks he is destined to be an MP by reversing his initials. On further thought, he decided that fate had dealt him a winning hand and declared his ambitions to run for Presidency in the 2007 General Elections. He is running on a RAP-Kenya ticket. There was Ford-Kenya, Narc-Kenya and ODM- Kenya thus he does not want to completely rely on his God but also on wordy logic. Meanwhile, he is juggling his career PR progression with litigation launched against him. It is claimed that he imported electronic goods under the non-pretext that they were church material in order to evade tax.

PR is all about perception so Margaret formerly known as Mrs. Kamangu was shocked when her apparently ex non-husband showed up to declare that her children have a vacancy for a father. Bishop Margaret ‘Thatcher’ swung an iron fist and vehemently denied her non-marriage to Mr. Kamangu, who she declared had jiggers in his hands (They must have been very intimate for her to see such detail). Kamangu came out with proof of their marriage with picture evidence that was not Adobe Photoshop work. Thatcher became defensive and offered non-proof of marriage while diverting attention when she announced that she was a virgin as a young form-three girl. This was supposed to place her atop the pedestal of the several Kenyan virgins at 17. A few were impressed and quickly confessed that they were not deflowered until marriage but Thatcher was traded rose for rose at a tender age and bore two children who she seems to forget, have emotions. The father vacancy was although too big for Kamangu’s jigger infested limbs and he took out his frustrations on Thatcher. She moved on just in time and now manages a lucrative transport business while shepherding a highly successful church. She is an Iron Lady and did not hesitate to command Kamangu to hang himself instead of ‘lethal injectioning’ himself. Saddam Hussein declared that only brave men die by the hangman’s noose so Kamangu cannot be perceived as brave for coming out to spoil Maggie’s plans to hold office.

Conclusively, these church leaders who are case studies on non-PR need to go back to school since they do not realize that politics is a dirty game. The road would have been smoother for Maggie if she had admitted to the truth and let sleeping dogs (with their jiggers) lie. The church might soon absorb this model judging from our perception of things to come.

Pastor Muiru get prepared, a wife will surface from the streets that you came from!!

In this era of stock share growth, it is eyebrow raising that NBK gives us lessons on how NOT to issue dividends. The National Bank of Kenya is one of the largest banks in our country but has made a habit of not giving dividends. The bankers have never pleased their shareholders for almost a decade despite registering profits for the past few years (I’m sure that they are breaking a record somewhere). At one time, the government bailed them out of deepening debts but still NO DIVIDENDS. Bugzzalot Amateur Business School (BABS) has been on the grind to find out exactly why.

This school informed me that it followed the money trail. It never fails to reveal umbrella-shady personalities e.g. Dr.Chris Murungaru. Financial reports for this banking institution are open for all to see. It was discovered that for the past 3 years their loan structures have been very ‘unique’ in contrast to other progressive banks that have announced colossal profit margins in the recent past and issued dividends. Equity Bank, KCB, Standard Chartered etc have invested heavily in sound loan procedures. There’s even the Diva account from the latter to ensure our beautiful Kenyan ladies get an equal share of the entrepreneurial cake. The idea is good but their interest on loans taken by the ‘divas’ is still slightly higher than most banks. On the up-side, I learnt that banks are more open to giving loans to married women than to singles so the diva provides a better opportunity. The other perks in the diva-pink accounts hopefully cover for this otherwise, sioni Mama Shamba akijiita diva. Back to the matter at hand, these loans are geared towards the common person. NBK on the(my) other hand has specialized on insider loans.

What are insider loans? The professor wanna-bes at BABS enlightened me that they are the loans that are given to the bank’s directors and other staff. On a pragmatic note, we all know that when we lend our relatives money it will most likely turn into a bad debt but we still do so. Imagine the bank as the family thus if insider loans are not well managed, the ‘family’ will incur heavy losses.  BABS noticed that insider loans of NBK are almost 7 times the loans to the customers after scrutinizing the Balance Sheets and Profit & Loss Accounts. In the more profitable banks that add value to the shareholder by issuing dividends, the customers get more loans than the insiders. 

BABS clawed deeper and found more dirt. One of the directors of the banks is an F C S Atwoli. Could it be Francis Atwoli (Secretary General of COTU)? One of the school’s prof wanna-bes’ had watched a My Day With You clip from KTN Prime News highlighting how the loud-mouthed general spends his day. The student alleged that Atwoli showed a low-income home that he lives in but really had a big mansion on a hill somewhere in Central Rift Valley. This might just have been a hallucination but it is enough of a reason to question his credibility. If he can dupe guys on a national broadcaster then…

The basis of banking is to make profitable investments and in the expanding Kenyan economy most banks are only getting substantial gains after investing in customer projects through loans. We have decided to ignore the hefty fees/levies charged by some of these banks!

Getting loans: A new concept

It’s been around for a while but is currently experiencing an upsurge of customer numbers. The banking system based on the Muslim Sharia Law is gaining ground quickly. In the Middle East, it is very popular and even non-Muslims are opening accounts. BABS found out that its based on the facts that:

·        It does not charge interest

·        One cannot invest in businesses that fund pork or alcohol i.e. Haram (which I think the Swahili word Haramu came from).

Everybody in Kenya is now seeking some form of loan either to improve his or her ‘bling’ power or invest in a biz (Nobody wants to use route 11 forever). What attracted us to this account was the no loan interest principle. It’s a sweet deal by any standards. It means that when one want to take a loan on a car, the bank will buy the car at a profit and one will repay it in instalments without any interest charged. Yeah, now you are interested! The core advantage is that changes in interest rates and will not affect you. You’ll always pay a fixed amount that will never vary.

 But banks will be banks, it was realized that some of the witty financiers actually buy the item and give you as much as three times in value. So its like a modern form of Hire Purchase scheme!

We decided to go to Kenya Commercial Bank, which has been at the forefront of marketing this form of account in the name of Amanah Account.  The attendant at the bank informed us that the account had not begun offering loans. What the heck were they marketing it for then? The lady said that they are still in the process of collecting new customer deposits for the account. After that they would begin offering loans at a time that they are not sure about. In other words, they will initially just make money from the customers since they do not give any interest earned on the deposits.

The concept of this form of account is cool but KCB is executing it quite unprofessionally despite its nationwide customer base. Is there anyone who can enlighten bloggers about this out there? Halloooooo!

It does not take the mind of a genius to put together the pieces. It is most likely that the attack on the home was only a decoy to draw out the chief whose house was only a kilometre away. If the thugs wanted to get into the ministers home I’m sure they would (Really, there was only one policeman on duty! The President’s State House compounds have previously been penetrated by passers-by {people with no ill agenda}). The police confirm that there were 37 spent bullet cartridges recovered from the scene. Additionally, investigators said that the attack was well organized and executed from different directions. The minister had said that he used a different route to leave the house since the normal one was under repair. If it were a serious assassination attempt then the well-organized attackers would have known this. 

The police have raised no dust on the case that the chief was apparently concerned about.

It is only the minister who claims a failed attempt on his life and the commissioner issuing conflicting statements. Either the commissioner is bright in initially saying that the attack was not directed at the minister or Michuki is even brighter in letting the attackers think that their decoy was not deduced. The former is possible but the latter hmmm…just judge from the demeanor of politicians and his track record. One question remains - What is it about the missing gun?

A Bugzzalot Criminology Division (ABCD) report…Its as simple as ABCD

Kama haujui there are new shades in the market known as stunnaz. These are the rage in music videos. Jagged Edge have sung about them. Dirty South rappers are stunting with them in all their vidz. DNA, our very own Kenyan rapper wears them in his new video and single titled ‘Banjuka’(or something like that).

As an innovative mind, I have a get rich quick scheme that 50 Cent would frown at. The B Double-R (Bugzzalot Rat and Roach) labs have found a close resemblance of stunna shades to the ones that were the in-thing when I was a kajunior heading for the Nairobi ASK (Agricultural Society of Kenya) show at the Jamhuri Grounds. The show is around the corner and I am sure that there is a muhindi etntrepreneur out there who still has the presence of mind to reproduce the bugz bunny shades that I used to love. I am sure most people my young age remember that the shades had cartoon figures added at their top end edges.

I am willing to sign a “pre-nupt” with the muhindi. This is going to ensure that both of us benefit as required and no defrauding of yours truly’s royalty and rights cheque as the idea originator. The only special adjustment that he will make to the bugs bunny shades will be to cut off the bunny. After this, a sleek stunna label will be placed on them. Of course no one knows the stunna label yet so it will be at our discretion.

To make sure that they get to the consumer quick, fast and in a hurry, the hawking profession will provide a channel of distribution. The first round of knockout stunnaz will not come cheap. Anyone who wants to look like the girl or boy on TV has to pay a price and Stunnaz will be the hottest thang out there.

The sun is back with a vengeance, a water shortage is looming and computers are everywhere. People will want to shield themselves from UV-rays, tears will need to be preserved and radiation prevented. Just for the marketing promotion the stunnaz will come with the theme:

“Chunga Macho, Chunga Maji, Keep Cool with Stunnaz”

For copyright’s sake we shall change the name as required e.g  Stannaz, Stunnerz etc. There is after all Rebook instead of Reebok, Kukanganyana instead of Kukanyagana.

Celebz are wasting time. If I were given a job as their manager there would be:

• G-Unit G-Strings
• Furahi Day Alcoholic Juice
• Madonna Like A Virgin Support Group for Secondary Virgins
• Nonini School for Know Nothings i.e the dummies
• XYZ Nursery
• Jay-Z Retirement Benefits Scheme
• Project Fame for the Nameless
• Wakhu Baby Shower Event Organizers
• Juma Nature Reserve
• Homeboyz home for the Homeless
• Prezzo Studded bling condoms
• Machizi Mental Institute
• Pilipili Sauce
• Wyre Ng’ombe Barbed wire
• Kirubi Rubies
• Passaris Adopt some Lights (Non-Tobacco Cigarettes for chics)
• Jua Cali Umbrellas (for the September hot season-strictly for the ladies!)
• Mwafrika Hip Hop Village
• Obama Senator Bar Pints
• Flexx Gym
• Me Julie Gichuru Escort service
• Kibaki Mabaki Recyclers

And that’s why I am not employed. I would make too much money!

My quest for new ways to make easy money is still on. This time, its more radical than ever. I need a few volunteers who are fed up with slife to help me. Recently the Ministry of Tourism announced that compensation for victims of wild animal attacks has been increased.

This is a perfect source of money since death will always be a constant unless one walked with God until one was no more as in the case of Enoch in the Bible. It was declared that compensation has been increased to KSh.200,000 for each death. While I think this is peanuts for the Elephant heartbreak caused by the loss of a loved one, it will also result in several claims from the game reserve communities such as the Maasai. After all in Marsabit people are selling their daughters as sex slaves for much less. Hon. Maurice Dzoro was quick to note that the number of claims from the living dead will increase and his cronies had the audacity to joke about it.

Since Ministers are supposed to be our role models, I have taken it upon myself to promote all suicide seekers to come to me. The arrangement will be simple, just go to the wild and hope that a wild animal will attack you. Of course the set back will be the pain caused. A few drugs will take care of that. Getting cocaine or morphine in the streets of Nairobi is like acquiring a stolen cell phone. You just dress casually and some small time thug will approach you with a KSh.3000 phone with camera and Blue Tooth technology. This has happened to me more than once. Getting clients will not be a problem in this dot com era that has people giving their bodies to human cannibals through websites (This already happened in Britain).

As you await the Lion King, we can start an off the books reality show that will consist of bets placed on your chances of dying. The benefits of this will go to the “suicidee” family and me. Needless to say, this is illegal and stomach churning stuff so it will be an easy sell to rich gamblers seeking the ultimate thrill. The chances of you dying will be increased by posting you to the most dangerous address of the game reserve where many have been dying before e especially Narok and Maasai Mara region.

Eventually, I might be caught so this scheme only run for a short time before any whistle blower is on my neck.

RIP to Munyakei the Hero who revealed the Goldenberg Scandal (158 billion Kenyan Shillings was lost in this scam)

‘Meeee...eee…ee…e,’

Another goat gone in Kenyatta University Main Campus. The blackout at night provides a good opportunity for domestic hunting. These goats are at home around the Nyayo Hostels, just one of the few places where students devise entrepreneurial skills for survival with meager financial resources. Much money is not made like the cash cow government projects but we make do with cash goats.

‘Hustlers’. Yes, they are not only found in the United States. Borrowing stuff is an art. One has got to be able to convince another to hand over all their hard and soft ‘ngumus’ for one’s breakfast although the other has not taken their first meal. In addition, you have to assure the other that you shall return them in the same condition! Anything can be ‘hustled’ from my pocket money to your pants. A hustler (or hustleress) never has cash but bears the promise of having it. He or she always looks good. With all the stuff they acquire in a day, who wouldn’t? And that’s part of the image; their victim will never get wind of their real desperation.

For Santa’s HELBers, you can invest in a computer. This would be a ‘clone’ of course-unless you get the full HELB (Higher Education Loans Board) loan (KSh.52,000), bursary(KSh.8,000) and your parents are also in the upper middle class which is like saying Kenya can host the Olympics in 2016. Once you get it, a lot of avenues open; C.D writing, printing, scanning and if business is good, one can buy a photocopier. Bright ones can also host a movie theatre of sorts to attract business and use their tact to get female clientele who do much more than perform transactions. The 24 series and Prison Break will guarantee a full house of clients. I have seen people who even hire casual labourers within their hostel rooms to help. Now, that’s what I call nation building. Eventually, with all the multimedia coming across your path you can start a media library that lends out V.C.Ds and even pirated software.

Raves are like food in campus, even the nun-to-be will be tempted into sneaking into one. The plot is this; arrange the rave of the year in the second academic week of the semester, pin up posters that claim the presence of the hottest musicians and DJs in Kenya and get security that will not solicit a ‘mpumbafu’ from President Kibaki. Why the second week? Don’t you know that at this time campus is just on the brink of getting into top gear and most of all, everyone has finally dropped their final luggage in their hostel and are eager to spend their extra cash? Why claim the falsehoods? Girls will only come when there is the promise of musicians who have churned out hit after hit and the occasional love song. DJs have to possess lucrative contracts with top FM stations. You and I know the probability of these people turning up is like Prezzo joining Bamboo in being the salt and light of the world. Why security? Obviously in the event of these stars missing there will be violence. The thing is, you will not be there and the confused fake DJs will at least announce that they saw them once. Meanwhile, the following day you will be counting Mois’ and Kenyattas’ from the ravers, contracted beer and snack sellers who double-up as normal naïve students.

Do not be fooled, these cash goats are prerequisites to corruption cash cows like the Anglo-leasing scandal, the consequences can range from a small bruise to death. I.Q need not be unnecessarily high. Just depends on who you are fooling and their weaknesses. I have taken the liberty of writing them in the order of increasing risk. The first will only lead to childish ridicule which can be avoided if done right. The second will stem harassment from the campus administration although we continue since the rules are unfair. The third may have the university’s administration and student body after your neck if you cannot pay off the right people. With the ghetto living standards of Kenyan public universities, one has to surely try out one of these cash goats to survive.

Tourism is a major revenue earner for Kenya. All the lions, elephants, boulderscapes, lakes and valleys are just but a side dish of what Kenya has to offer. In my quest to present ideas that are simply out of the box and bordering insanity, I will add an item of my own to the list, RIVER ROAD.

Most countries have their major biz street like Wall Street for the U.S. In Kenya, there is River Road. It may not be as high class but it is the center of biz in Nairobi. Whatever you want is available at a minimal price.  Wherever you live, river road is the cheapest.

During the day, a thousand and one people will be located there -at night it turns into a red-light district- the a thousand will be in motels and the one at a bar or vice-versa. Is it electronics you want? Am sure if you look hard enough you might just find the X-Box at the price of 300 American dollars (approx KSh.22000 or less) or i-Pod at half the normal price and you can get them even more cheaply. Trust me as beautiful as my country is, Kenya has one of the highest bootlegging rates in the world. It is placed fourth as far as computer piracy is concerned and that’s based on what the statisticians know!

 The term River Road does not only count the 2-2.4km that the road stretches but also the roads joining it. The major ones include Latema Road, Ronald Ngala Street, Accra road and Racecourse Road. These are just major tributaries to the web of smaller ones.

My clients will be so amazed at the prices that Dubai in the United Arab Emirates(U.A.E) will seem to be a less viable option. Dubai will only beat us because it has no taxes and boasts of 7-Star hotels.

But what can beat the Kenyan bargaining culture???

• First, my tourists will have to dress down -No Gucci, Dolce or Cabana or whatever rappers talk about, just plain old jeans, that free T-Shirt which you got from that promotional event and shoes which a cobbler will deem irrepairable
• Second, if you are white, for all we care you are researchers seeking to collect the filth accumulating in Nairobi River just a few meters away and are working for an NGO. I will explain to them that the City Council officials have just chased you away from your voluntary work and you had to bribe them for not having a clean-up lincense. The seller will understand since he has probably faced a worse predicament under them. If you are black foreigner, good… just don’t speak!
• Third, no price is too low. If they state a price, divide the amount by three then start the official bargain. Rise by a few coins about twice then stick there as if your life depended on it. That is the only time you can show some desperation else walk away. The seller might just call you back.
• Fourth, the early bird catches the fattest worm at the cheapest expense unless the fat worm overslept. Fat worms at river road rarely sleep. There is too much competition and remember the City Council…
• Fifth, the tourists will have to learn to be restless. This won’t be hard since in most shops, at least 10 pairs of red eyes of desperate salesmen and women will be seeking your attention. The one you choose should know that you are willing to spend but just as willing to go to the next shop.
• Six, even if you want to make the purchase, insist that they test everything. This is especially for electronics. Everything includes using the remote control, switching on everything, pressing each and every button to ensure it works as required, playing a tape or C.D for radios, checking all the settings (voltage, current etc.) Never trust a guarantee they will tell you to buy everything needed for the repair of your newly broken T.V, then change them for their cheaper rip-offs as you come to the realization of how foolish you were.
• Seven, always smile at the beginning then slowly turn that upside down until the final payment. This works anywhere in the world. At river road the seller will frown first as you state your starting price then slowly begin smiling.
• Eight when the seller pretends to call an executive to help with the purchase stick to your guns. If you don’t reach an agreement walk away. The Indian will definitely call you back (Yeah, Indians are the best businessmen anywhere in the world).
• Nine, when you are through with the deal, you must tell the seller that next time you will come back to the same place. Of course it’s a lie!
• Ten, only hawkers in the streets fix their price for some clothes and stationery. Anywhere else the above rules apply.

The above are certainly not the ten commandments but they are the Da Vinci Code of River Road. That means the tourists should handle them flexibly.