Ambition of Wannabe Millionaires

I was forwarded this on my e-mail and just wanted to make others laugh… remember, these are real convos.

Customer:     ‘I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?’.
Operator:     ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’.
Customer:     ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.
Operator:     ‘Sir, they are our opening hours’.

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Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ’Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’.
Caller:          ’On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:      ’I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          ’Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?’
Operator:      ’ Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?’
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
‘If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
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Directory Enquiries
Caller:               ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.
Operator:          ’I'm sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’
Caller:               ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off’.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ’Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:             ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ‘.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
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Tech Support:      ’I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer:             ‘OK’.
Tech Support:      ’Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ’OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ’OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer:            ’Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
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Tech Support:          ’OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:                 ‘Wow. How can you see my screen from there?’
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Caller:  ’I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.
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There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ’Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller:              ’Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ’They disappeared.’
Operator:         ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ’Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ’It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller:              ’How do I tell?’
Operator:         ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller:              ’What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller:              ’There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller:              ’What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ’Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller:              ’Yes, I think so.’
Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ’Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ’Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ’Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ’Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ’Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller:               ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ’Dark??’
Caller:               ‘Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
‘ Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t.’
Operator:          ’No? Why not??’
Caller:               ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:  ’A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller:               ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator:           ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller:                ’Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:            ’Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:                 ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator:            ’Tell them you’re too f — ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’

ANY SOUTH AFRICAN WITH THIS IN MIND DOESN’T DESERVE THEIR FREEDOM WHICH WAS BLOODILY FOUGHT AND WON…

A KENYAN WOMAN WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR TO THIS STORY. (I WROTE THE ABOVE JUST AFTER THE XENOPHOBIC VIOLENCE ERUPTED IN SOUTH AFRICA BUT NEVER KNEW THAT A CLOSELY RELATED EVENT WOULD OCCUR. LUCKILY, THE WOMAN SURVIVED.)

The stock business is sometimes referred to as the bull so I guess that the average stock investor is a Matador (bull fighter/killer) to evade it’s sometimes financially lethal horns. It is meant to be a high risk venture with colossal returns for any worthwhile investor. The term bullish is used to refer to a stock market that is experiencing heavy trading within the investing circle. For amateur investors like me this is a new venture, I recently managed to buy shares. It is actually a very simple affair for anyone who is interested since the minimum number most brokers want one to buy is only 100.

After the Safaricom IPO, most people who missed the offering were left wondering what to do with the money next. I was one of the guys who were stuck in this conundrum. But being the wannabe millionaire that I am, I decided to take advantage of the situation. As it stands at the moment, most stocks are losing their value except for emerging monsters like Equity (which has virtually tripled its value since floatation) and a few blue chip companies such as EABL. After all, Kenyans will always drink. Most investors actually have their cash still tied up in the Safaricom Company.

Apparently, Michael Joseph fondly known as MJ has a new crop of owners to please. This is in addition to the Mobitelea ghost. For those not in the know, ‘Mo’ stands for Moi, ‘Bi’ for Biwott and the rest of the syllables alliance. This is just but a rumor. It makes strange sense to the layman, huh? Safaricom might as well switch it’s name to Safaricon. It is however a perfect company to invest in, considering it’s trend setting profit margins. This means other companies look up to it! It’s like the MJ of music (no pun intended

 Anyway, swinging my red cape back to The Bull, the fact that guys are waiting for the Safaricom listing should motivate any would be investor to snap up some shares. For mid term investment (in this case slightly more than two years) or even short term (up to just after the Safcom floatation), Mumias would be a good bet and it’s actually about KSh.11-13 per share. Although the Comesa free trade agreement wouldn’t be good for this company in about three years (research from our professors at the Rats and Roaches lab revealed that this trade pact means that any sugar from any Eastern or Southern African Comesa country would be traded almost tax free thus spelling doom for the expensive Mumias Sugar commodity), they have a deal awaiting approval for power generation for KPLC through their molasses producing wing of business. We certainly need power with all the blackouts that consistently happen countrywide. Kenya Commercial Bank also doesn’t seem to be a bad share since it is in the process of expansion. The share price is also quite low and due to the upcoming rights issue it’s bound to be a ‘bullish’(I’m starting to fall in love with the term) stock. Kenya-Re is also bound for some greatness following their spreading into new territory in other countries. Since it’s a Re-insurance company, it basically insures the insurance companies (or somethin’ like that). The insurance industry is also shaping up and getting rid of the jua kali run ones that only eat into our premiums without providing proportional cover. Atop this, they are also working on a self regulatory authority, which can be compared to the Media Council which mans (or womans) the media.

My new ventures into Matador land will hopefully leave me with no gores and more dough!