Last week, I was listening to Marcus and Leo of Capital FM talking about how everyone breaks their New Years resolutions by the 14^th of Jan. This is true but I am not one to back down from a challenge. I had only a single resolution; never to hold back. As short as the sentence is, it’s bound for life imprisonment and lately; Kenyan prisoners have been apparently walking away from their chains. It happened twice this week. This would draw envy from unlikely quarters such as Paul and Silas’ opening of the prison gates during Roman Bible times. I guess they have been inspired by stories from Super Series such as Prison Break that is currently inspiring grunts and screams from my mum. It is being aired on KTN and although I already watched the whole 1st season I love to see the wrinkles forming on the faces of my family as they paste their eyes on the suspense of the series.

Yesterday, I decided to be more specific and promised myself that I would make sure that I meet and talk to a new lady each day. I have always known that I am shy but now I want to break this chain and behave like the US on AlQaeda in Somalia. The US dares to live (then die in mini-9/11s), which is the year’s theme of this blog. I plan to stick to my dare by ensuring that if I do not perform it, it must be carried forward. I began serving this life sentence on Thurs of which I made a new pal. I failed on Friday so today; I have to talk to two ladies. Somebody might ask what about the men? Oh, yes what about them?

Never holding back also includes making money, which is why Bugzzalot Amateur Business School (BABS) will be particularly active this year. There are several ideas raging from the many guys in my MPD head. Strangely enough, Celtel’s Uhuru offer gave Safaricom a run for their greens but MJ (Michael Joseph, CEO Safcom) still had a moonwalk and a swing for their pink golf balls. He introduced the Saasa Tariff that I am currently enjoying. My sweet nothings now occur from 2-8p.m at only KSh.8 per minute. SMS is at KSh.2.50 so nyeee nye nye to the Pinkies. Meanwhile, the current Safcom ad is boring me to death!! It reminds me of a certain long dragging high school hymnal. They might as well have used a soundtrack like ‘Joto Wangu’ by Circute who is so offbeat while he raps that he takes the whack flow phenomenon to the 4^th dimension. DJ John then dares to live by pitting Ciara’s ‘Promise’ against him in H2O’s battle of the beats. The Safari Cane ‘Exactly…’ ad has also been voted by Bugzzalot as the worst TV ad but there is never bad publicity.

There are rumors milling around that state that NASA had warned Kenya of Rift Valley Fever as early as Sept 2006. It was said that one of their satellites had tracked some livestock. Observers at NASA deciphered fever symptoms when some of them bled and died. If you have ever read a Tom Clancy novel then you must surely be aware of the presence of this technology (Check out Google Earth if thou art still in doubt).

It is apparently unsafe to drive in Naivasha. This Rift Valley town has claimed the lives of several Kenyans in the past one week. MP Ochillo Ayacko’s Range Rover was not spared. People say that there are a number of Devil Worshippers around this region and I’ll leave it at that! Talking of MPs, Raila is a blogger! I might vote for him just for that because politicians rarely do much else that is useful to my life. I read this fact in yesters paper (Nation). It claimed there are fewer than 200 Kenyan bloggers (there should be more; that makes me unique). Penninah Karibe (NTV’s weather anchor) should now forecast political climate.

The article on the Nation Newspaper went ahead to predict that e-mail will soon be obsolete and blogs will rule. This is farfetched and I hardly think it will happen unless surfing becomes free all over the world and people quit their jobs to blog. I actually miss writing snail mail. The art of holding a plain old Bic pen and writing on solid paper is so personal, so classic, so… Anyway, the beauty of a computer is that you can bubble on then edit later without having to rewrite it. Our thoughts fly off as they were intended so don’t mind the Odd English on this article.

Finally, I saw ‘Wakuume’, a video single by Ugandan female music group Obsession. It’s a sexy clip that needs no understanding of the UG native language for one to enjoy it (oh, and the music). There is a scene where the four beauties cover their breasts with only their hands and…and… and…and…

Much love to all who have dared to view my blog over the past year. From being told that my writing style is whack to being advised to replace Oyunga Pala in Nation newspapers, I tried to enjoy my virgin year. Another ‘fan’ called me a whore even before I did. In my very first article, I warned bloggers that Bugzzalot suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. These personalities have just multiplied from the traumas in my head that I received in 2006 from the modest amount of hits on my webpage.

 I am still recovering from the Celebrity Goofs article which I had previously written. I got so many positive and negative reactions that I have to REACT! Watch out for a more creative, informative, interactive and controversial 2007. My only principle as a blogger is never to diss someone if I can’t take a personal diss and that’s why I don’t edit comments from anyone. Thank you all!

HAVE A TOLAZZGUB NEW YEAR!!

Bugzzalot Amateur Business School (BABS) has hit the ground running this year with a few peculiar observations. A hot topic will be the Youth Fund. This will be the government sponsored re-election brainchild that will fund young business entrepreneurs in 2007 and beyond so our Professor wannabes went in search of answers. The government has so far said that banks will be the sole distributors of the fund, which has been allocated KSh.1 Billion. This cold cash will be repaid by each successful applicant at a fairly low interest of about 7% per annum.

Our journey began in the streets of Nairobi. The quick paced city dwellers did not seem to notice our ill fitted suits and loosely hanged ties. This made us comfortable but soon we realized that we had no idea where our Youth Affairs Ministry is based. We did not even have an inkling of the name of the minister in charge but since we new that finding him is like getting to Osama bin Laden, we did not bother to get this easily available data. We had to walk in the yellow pages that are normally chained to Telkom’s vandalized phone booths but alas, our fingers fell on all the other government ministries but the one required. We could not believe that they were not listed in the 2006 directory. Our resourceful minds decided to call the Ministry of Culture and Social Services Inquiries Desk. The person on the other end was fortunately not a ‘coat hanger’ (employee who eludes work by hanging his coat on his chair to indicate his presence and then running off for long tea and lunch break meetings!). We were promptly directed to Kencom House 3^rd Floor.

We strolled through the crowds at Kencom Bus Stop. It was strangely void of street performers and preachers. Perhaps they were still planning new year resolutions to get off the street and form a new Reddykyulass or mabati-laced church. The guards at the stiffly rectangular Kencom House were very friendly as they searched us for bombs or guns. When we got to the 3^rd floor, we were informed to head to the human resource office. We thought that we would get men in business suits but instead a uniformed officer welcomed us. We were unimpressed by the empty office without even the customary President Kibaki picture looking down on us. We assumed that since it was a relatively new ministry the deplorable state was forgivable.

The young officer already had another client but since he was explaining what we wanted to hear, we just slid in. He informed us that a proposal was needed if one wanted some of that cash on loan. The proposal must include:

• The business name and introduction
• Project description
• Work plan to achieve the goals
• The budget (of course)
• Why one needs funding (Cause am broke?????)
• Certificate of company registration and group members plus their contacts.

This proposal would then be presented to the banks which would be in charge of distributing the fund. These banks have still not been determined but they will be soon. Its an election year after all!

The other client did most of our Sherlock Holmes work and went further to ask if some proposals had already been approved.

“Ndio,” answered the officer, “There are some lucky ones who brought their proposals early so they might get grants directly from the ministry.”

“What about me? Can you fast track my proposal to include these?” queried the client. “Si unajua we’ll take care of you he heh!” This young guy in his twenties was implying offering a bribe.

We never knew whether he was serious because the officer was caught off guard and could only offer puzzled looks. He then laughed it off but the guy persisted without shame. It was obvious that the officer was only a PR guy and this dog was barking up the wrong tree. I always say, if one does something (good, bad or ugly), he/she should have the courtesy of doing it right. Kamlesh sorry, Paul… Pattni should be a good example; mine non-existent gold, export it, bribe half the government from the proceeds, deny any wrongdoing then claim Jesus Christ has saved you. After all this, run for Member of Parliament in Kenya.

It was disappointing to learn that there will be early direct beneficiaries. This means that the process might not be as transparent as the government claimed the Youth Fund would be. If such a windows of opportunity is what we are using to uproot the tall, thick tree of Kenyan corruption with then I might as well move to Nigeria or Colombia. They should strive to stick to a single sieve of getting worthy beneficiaries. The bank method is obviously the most suitable mode since the funds activities will be de-centralized and run by professionals. We all know what politics and money result to. However, the officer quickly confessed that no money had been issued yet until government concluded negotiations with the banking sector. He leaked that so far the highest request for funding had been KSh.5million. So if you have a burning business idea, join me in my quest to get rich and die laughing!

BABS Presents,

RIP OFFS: READ THE SMALLPRINT

Celtel Mobile Network’s new cheap Uhuru kwa Umoja Tariff bares small subtext that requires a credit cut of KSh.2.50 for every call received by the mobile user. I almost switched to this network but after I read it, I realized that Celtel bares too many hidden costs. Pink was never my color, I’ll remain with Safcom’s earthy green look.

Real reason why banks fear e-banking…

…Kenyan banks will always say that there are no suitable laws governing e-banking or the fear of electronic theft. While this is mostly true, very few of them are pushing for these laws to come into play. This is really because e-banking will eventually decrease the exorbitant fees that most banks charge for transactions. Cheque processing will be much cheaper and almost demand no fees at all. Counter based transactions shall decrease significantly thus cutting off the fee for over-the-counter money withdrawals (ATMs are still not wide spread!). Well, it is said -progress is a slow process.

Not DAMN, Prezzo and Wyre on the same video

Kenyan Rapper Prezzo and RnB artist Wyre’s new ‘Gimme the Music’ video begins with a fly chic quipping, “Wyre and Prezzo on the same track, DAMN!!” With such an intro, one definitely expects a dope clip full of the choreography that Wyre has fashioned his brand name with and a few blingy things from the ‘President’. Instead, we are treated to Nix and his partner standing like statues. Prezzo meanwhile just sways to the otherwise groovy beat with enough machismo to shame a WWE wrestler. The video fails to match with the hot tune and catchy vocals. The hot chics don’t even dance. The director decides to make fading ‘news shots’ of them i.e. only the head and shoulders. Perhaps the idea was just to give fans a taste of what to expect so that we only urge them to Give Us The Music and forget the video!

Who is better Abbas or Nyashinski?

Bugzzalot has the answer to this…Abbas a.k.a Doobiez! If you’ve listened to the Artists.ke collabo track titled ‘Tatizo’ Abbas kills it. There has been controversy between the two since Nyash and his Kleptomaniacs colleagues declared themselves Kings of Rap in Kenya. Abbas quickly pointed out that there are better rappers in the industry than the Klepto trio, who are famed for their ‘Tuendelee’ single. This is true to a large extent as everyone knows. In the ‘Tatizo’ song Nyash claims his primary school bad boy attitude and brags about being a bully. Nobody loves a bully and his lines are weak compared to Abbas. Abbas fires up the track when he says: Unanikumbusha Mariah vile umecarry (twisting the name Mariah Carey to express his love of voluptuous ladies. I’ve seen his girlfriend; he’s not lying.) Or Niko juu ya maji kama ferry(referring to his drunken state since kuwa maji is to be drunk). ‘Tatizo’ also features Jua Cali and Nameless with lead vocals from Pam (former Coca-Cola pop star from the Sema group) and another fly talented chic whom I’ve never managed to acquire her name. Produced by Clemo of Calif Records, the track has been receiving colossal in the media. I actually watched the clip on TV three times in a span of two hours from KBC’s Club One, NTV’s The Beat and Citizen’s X-Treme. The Abbas and Nyash verses are strangely placed together. Perhaps Clemo wanted to settle the controversy for good!

Ogopa Dance School

Ogopa DJs are still striving to teach us how to dance with their new hits from Habib, Longombas and Kalaharians.

Habib in his new collabo intro sings:

Shaky Shaky Shaky Shaky…

Longombas in their ‘Chukua’ single does the same except in Swahili:

Tingi Tingi Tingi Tingisha

Perhaps DJ John of H2O show on KTN picked  up on this yester (3^rd Jan 2006) and played the songs back to back. I noticed that both lines were sung in exactly the same rhythm.

Straight Girl

Lina of Str8Up Show on KTN is getting Leaner!! Perhaps she is living up to her implied name: Lina-Leaner.

An eye for the Queer Guy

I’ve heard of a similar titled hit show in the US.

 We initially called these guys homosexuals, then gay and now queer. Perhaps next in line we’ll have strangers then finally the girl next door. I am not ashamed of being called a heterosexual. Why then is ‘homo’ offensive to most of these guys? Lesbians don’t complain when they are called, you guessed right, Lesbians!