Woes of a cellphone in 2027

I am done with my owner. She incessantly pushes my buttons. I think that she assumes that I was the one hit album Pussycat Dolls (PCD). She has on several occasions put me on vibrate and shoved me into her purse then within no time I smell her breath. Sometimes it’s mint fresh but in the morning, just in case I ring, I can’t stand it. I hate that although she talks to her pals through me, I can’t really talk back. It’s all the fault of my designer and programmer but at least I am not like my predecessors who could only run a Mteja hapatikani message. Currently, I can say “Good morning’’, alert her about new messages and update my stupid user about weather and such. I wish a virus infected me so that I could safely say that there is no weather today ha ha!

I heard from my predecessor that at one time my ancestors were only used to satisfy the basic need of communication. They were only meant for the traditional call. Currently, I possess he power of a 2006 laptop. This has made my owner feed me with dozens of data from the Internet. She even downloads stuff that her would make her perverted stalkers seem like angels. This is despite the predicted earthquake that rocked
Nairobi back in 2007. Dr. Owuor was marked as the prophet of doom then but my owner was so young that she thought that her mum-to-be was having a mega burp or fart from morning sickness. I know this because I am programmed to hold the history of my owner. My body is also made of recycled parts that have been refurbished to the highest standards of the New World Order.

Kenyan President Stanley Livondo recently met with former U.S President Barack Obama. Kenyans’ forgiving and forgetful nature shoved his “Make It Rain (Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne)” money incident in 2007 into twilight territory. He had literally poured money to cash starved constituents in the name of campaigns. Although this strategy backfired, the recently introduced SMS voting system was a good rigging opportunity for him. It was rumored that the 3 times Kora Award Winning Valerie (Tusker Project Fame 2006 winner) had used this mode by buying a number of her pals credit in order to garner as much votes as possible. Obama, Sean “Sir Diddy Bop” Combs and Tyra Banks are among the wealthiest people in the world. Obama had thrice topped the list of the World’s Sexiest Men. He was instrumental in founding the New World Order.

Time has changed how people think about me. For instance, my owner uses the Internet through me for satellite radio/ TV so I am the current source of zombies. Everything is wireless and smaller. While she walks in the city, as long as I am close to her swaying hips, she is totally consumed in the world that I create. She has not yet fully embraced modern technology so she maintains a removable earpiece. I heard her claiming that she found it uncomfortable so I always end up stuck next to her ear and mouth. If she cared about me, then she would use the new Pentium10 Biochip. This would be embedded in her inner ear to give me the opportunity to just chillax by her hip as she channeled her gossip to her friend on the other end.

As I fed my owner with the morning news, I learnt that I am responsible for the death of cyber cafes. These venues of Internet surfing died gradually as I became more capable of broadband transmission. VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) has developed so far that my owner now talks with her friends through the Net.  SMS is also via the Net so the old Mobile Networks have made a complete restructuring and are virtually working like e-businesses or ISPs. New Tarrifs replaced Saasa and Sema. These include Niaje, Gota, Choma, Qerea, Munju and Kumbati that add to the greeting based branding of the ‘Green’ Public Limited Company. It is now 50% owned by individual shareholders. The 2010 Kenyan economic recession reduced it to a loss making entity. There are two other Mobile Networks, which are exclusively for post-paid clients.  Blue tooth technology is almost everywhere and has advanced to the level that my owner uses me as an Internet wireless connection for her computer. I am simply glad that I am on the new postpaid network.

My integrated services are taken for granted. The i-Phone didn’t do much to raise the profits of Apple Company so right now I still rein supreme but they snatched the Video Games market by introducing the first smart card (Cash is rarely used in this era) friendly 3D Gaming Console. Microsoft is still struggling to enable me to project video game holograms but Sony seems to have the upper hand.

So you better hold on to your SIM card and be ready to see more of me in time. I am ranked as the 12^th Modern World Wonder after the I-Robot in 2015.

SAFCOM MANIA

Bonga Pints

New offer from Safaricom. For adults only, 1 beer bottle for every 10 Bonga points at any club in any town.

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Best Billboard

On the real, there is a natural billboard at Jogoo Road just before one reaches the flyover next to City Stadium. The Safcom Logo has been grown from the ground on the slope of the ditch along the roadside. The plants were neatly rooted to form the logo.