Woes of a cellphone in 2027

I am done with my owner. She incessantly pushes my buttons. I think that she assumes that I was the one hit album Pussycat Dolls (PCD). She has on several occasions put me on vibrate and shoved me into her purse then within no time I smell her breath. Sometimes it’s mint fresh but in the morning, just in case I ring, I can’t stand it. I hate that although she talks to her pals through me, I can’t really talk back. It’s all the fault of my designer and programmer but at least I am not like my predecessors who could only run a Mteja hapatikani message. Currently, I can say “Good morning’’, alert her about new messages and update my stupid user about weather and such. I wish a virus infected me so that I could safely say that there is no weather today ha ha!

I heard from my predecessor that at one time my ancestors were only used to satisfy the basic need of communication. They were only meant for the traditional call. Currently, I possess he power of a 2006 laptop. This has made my owner feed me with dozens of data from the Internet. She even downloads stuff that her would make her perverted stalkers seem like angels. This is despite the predicted earthquake that rocked
Nairobi back in 2007. Dr. Owuor was marked as the prophet of doom then but my owner was so young that she thought that her mum-to-be was having a mega burp or fart from morning sickness. I know this because I am programmed to hold the history of my owner. My body is also made of recycled parts that have been refurbished to the highest standards of the New World Order.

Kenyan President Stanley Livondo recently met with former U.S President Barack Obama. Kenyans’ forgiving and forgetful nature shoved his “Make It Rain (Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne)” money incident in 2007 into twilight territory. He had literally poured money to cash starved constituents in the name of campaigns. Although this strategy backfired, the recently introduced SMS voting system was a good rigging opportunity for him. It was rumored that the 3 times Kora Award Winning Valerie (Tusker Project Fame 2006 winner) had used this mode by buying a number of her pals credit in order to garner as much votes as possible. Obama, Sean “Sir Diddy Bop” Combs and Tyra Banks are among the wealthiest people in the world. Obama had thrice topped the list of the World’s Sexiest Men. He was instrumental in founding the New World Order.

Time has changed how people think about me. For instance, my owner uses the Internet through me for satellite radio/ TV so I am the current source of zombies. Everything is wireless and smaller. While she walks in the city, as long as I am close to her swaying hips, she is totally consumed in the world that I create. She has not yet fully embraced modern technology so she maintains a removable earpiece. I heard her claiming that she found it uncomfortable so I always end up stuck next to her ear and mouth. If she cared about me, then she would use the new Pentium10 Biochip. This would be embedded in her inner ear to give me the opportunity to just chillax by her hip as she channeled her gossip to her friend on the other end.

As I fed my owner with the morning news, I learnt that I am responsible for the death of cyber cafes. These venues of Internet surfing died gradually as I became more capable of broadband transmission. VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) has developed so far that my owner now talks with her friends through the Net.  SMS is also via the Net so the old Mobile Networks have made a complete restructuring and are virtually working like e-businesses or ISPs. New Tarrifs replaced Saasa and Sema. These include Niaje, Gota, Choma, Qerea, Munju and Kumbati that add to the greeting based branding of the ‘Green’ Public Limited Company. It is now 50% owned by individual shareholders. The 2010 Kenyan economic recession reduced it to a loss making entity. There are two other Mobile Networks, which are exclusively for post-paid clients.  Blue tooth technology is almost everywhere and has advanced to the level that my owner uses me as an Internet wireless connection for her computer. I am simply glad that I am on the new postpaid network.

My integrated services are taken for granted. The i-Phone didn’t do much to raise the profits of Apple Company so right now I still rein supreme but they snatched the Video Games market by introducing the first smart card (Cash is rarely used in this era) friendly 3D Gaming Console. Microsoft is still struggling to enable me to project video game holograms but Sony seems to have the upper hand.

So you better hold on to your SIM card and be ready to see more of me in time. I am ranked as the 12^th Modern World Wonder after the I-Robot in 2015.

SAFCOM MANIA

Bonga Pints

New offer from Safaricom. For adults only, 1 beer bottle for every 10 Bonga points at any club in any town.

PS: All terms and conditions apply when you are alcohol free.

Best Billboard

On the real, there is a natural billboard at Jogoo Road just before one reaches the flyover next to City Stadium. The Safcom Logo has been grown from the ground on the slope of the ditch along the roadside. The plants were neatly rooted to form the logo.

Mr Cedo, I first thank you for being open minded about my comments on you during Tusker Project Fame 2007.  Juzi you were at Kenyatta University where you laid the vocals for a song with two of my pals. I heard it and was left in awe. You made the song sound so good that one of the jamaas is looking to re-record his verse and step up his game.

What motivates me is my life and God (not you, otherwise I’d have died a 100 times. I can only be me). I dare to live because death is too easy. I still believe that you were not the best in Tusker Project Fame not even Valerie was consistently the best. Linda could survive any day in the sunshine or rain with the hand of the devil on her throat. Anyway, as I have stated before, everyone who made it to Project Fame had mind blowing talent, it’s how you win fans that eventually separates you from the chaff!

SILLY MOVIE TITLE

In an earlier posting, I stated the outrageous titles modern movies are picking. Recently I saw the latest. The title speaks for itself:

‘Epic Movie’ (soon there shall be other descriptive movie titles e.g. Classic Movie, Comic Movie, Action Movie, Boring Movie etc.)

CREATIVE AD?

With the new Bonga Points from Safaricom Mobile Network, someone was inspired to get a slogan for a prepaid credit selling business. Since for each ten shillings anyone spends on a call, one earns a bonga point, the businessman claims that ‘He is selling Bonga Points’.

  AIM, FIRE!!

In campus one would expect that pips could use loos correctly instead, the same problem that there was at high school is propagated to university. I can only imagine what goes on in the heads of the learners of Crouching Man, Hidden Crap.  A study was conducted by Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches (B Double-R) Labs to uncover the mind of a toilet user. Let as assume the guy is named Goroka.

When Goroka approaches the loo, he sees an elevated sink. At first, he thinks that he is in the wrong room so he looks for a hole in the ground elsewhere but he only locates the small opening of the urinal. He duck walks back to the loo as he struggles to hold everything in. Before he gets in again, he surveys the vicinity and notices no strange looks so he must be in the correct place. This guy is used to pit latrines so he figures that he should perch on what he initially thought was a sink. He stares down to the bowl of the water closet and before he takes clear aim, it’s all out. He hits every thing but the bowl.

Somewhere outside the loo somebody hears a “whew”, “urgh” then “jinga hii”. Goroka opens the door and exchanges a look with the bewildered someone. The stench forces tears in the strangers eyes and a screwed up face. The uncomfortable second quickly dies off and he says, “I fired before I aimed!”

DARING TO LIVE

In my New Year posting, I stated that my resolution would be Never Holding Back.

Waq thanks for your encouraging comment.

It’s been an exciting few weeks in 2007 so far. I specified that each day I must meet and talk to a lady stranger. I have managed to keep this promise although I have a backlog of about 4 or 5 new acquaintances. Today I’m going to give you a sample of the goofy, the friendliest and the walking wall

Goofy: There was one time when I was just strolling when I saw a puss in boots. She had the lithe body of a model (an assumption that ended up being true) and short hair so I made my approach. After a brief chat, I asked why she had cut her hair. She said that she had suffered from Malaria, which gave her headaches so she decided to do it (What tha?).

Friendliest: She was fair skinned with a slightly pointed chin and a figure that would draw envy from the number 8. On chatting, she began yapping and yapping and yapping. She even mentioned a few past boyfriends and was strangely perceptive about where I was from. She correctly guessed the exact structure of my family without a second thought.  Her personal contacts were not non-existent and her smile was sincere. Yup, I must be in love!

Walking wall: I had this one coming!! I approached her at night as I walked along the paths of campus. Her small frame and stern look should have warned me. I blurted out that she must have been feeling cold since she only had a spaghetti top on. Her dagger eyes pierced through me as she warned me not to talk to her. I backed off like a whimpering dog.

 Through all this and more I am learning to overcome my shy side. When I think I can’t actually talk to a stranger, I first greet the most stern or bored person who walks by. If one responds positively (which always happens if you talk confidently), I usually get the courage to finally really vibe someone I have never met before. In case I experience a ‘slow’ day, I place myself in social situations such as games, idlers watching TV, lunch in a noisy kibanda, a friend who’s trying to hook up with a chic (That usually pisses them off but it’s easy to extinguish the blazing hate if you keep it brief and let it be the last resort).

The beauty of my resolution is that it’s helping me in other areas. Nowadays, I no longer have an idea; I execute it to the letter. This is what many people fail to do. If at all I have to be a millionaire by 25 (yeah right!) I might as well hit the ground running.

CNN Weather or Not is
Nairobi in Ethiopia?

The weathermen and women at the famed Cable News Network in U.S.A seem to have got it all wrong about the location of Nairobi City in my beloved country. It seems that their geographical database always places the city in Ethiopia. I guess that’s why the Kenyan government located General Mathenge’s (ex-Mau Mau Freedom fighter) imposter in the same country.

  Oops, the Rapture might have already happened

A few days ago I was awoken by silence, too much silence. It was the ungodly hour of 3a.m, which is said to be the peak hour for the Devil’s network. Strangely, I was not sweating and everything was coldly still. My cell phone suddenly felt like good company. I pushed a button and it lit up to life but its unearthly brightness struck a chord within me.

The rapture might have already occurred.

Earlier, before I went to bed I was sent to the shops and met some of my friends. Within no time, I was entangled in their web of vibe about 24, Prison Break, Heroes etc. An hour passed by and when I finally got back home my parents were relieved. My dad went on to talk about several friends and relatives who disappeared without a trace. Some time ago my cousin left home for work and never came back later a friend of my dad underwent a similar fate.

The Bible says that the Christ will come for his chosen like a thief in the night. One by one people might be disappearing. They simply vanish into the earth’s thick fog and smog. Who said the rapture will take place at once? God’s time is different from human time (GMT, CAT etc). Enoch from the Bible, who ‘walked with God until he was no more’…might have been the first candidate!

Most silly logic

Gentle Blue detergent in their radio ad claims that since its wash results in improved and enhanced bright colors, the kids will in turn be bright (and they were not referring to their clothes but brains).

Funniest

The ad is based on the presently common mode of catching a lover cheating; simply call a radio station and request the presenter to call the cheat. The accused will sleekly be lured into the verge of admitting that the estranged girlfriend is not really ‘the number one’ and voila!

As the ad begins, a pastor accuses the husband of constantly talking of breasts and thighs. The former perfectly brings out a heavily Kikuyu influenced English accent as the betrayed wife sobs. Then the accused finally admits that he was only speaking about chicken.

The ad is credited to Kenchic.

 Watching paint dry

The current Safaricom ad is long, has an irrelevant British hymn soundtrack, no message (just scenic shots of different parts of Kenya) and is aired constantly before the 7 O’clock news. This qualifies its comparison to watching paint dry or more boring.

PS: There is actually a website that displays drying paint.

There are a growing number of opportunists who are clever enough to do the legal with an illegal twist. It is widely known that the Nairobi Stock Exchange is currently experiencing an economic bubble. Bugzzalot Amateur Business School is on the prowl for schemes to make money quickly before the bubble bursts. We turned to the history catalogues in the web infested mint machines of BABS and uncovered a get rich quick or burst scheme masking through the streets of Nairobi.

Just imagine being offered the opportunity to invest your cash and assured of a return double its amount in 42 days. In case you deposit over KSh. 5000, you are guaranteed to get double that amount in two months i.e. 65days. This money-luscious project is already underway in the streets and several people are eating off the cream. A pal invested KSh. 10000 and got back 12500 off the top in two months i.e 2.5 times the initial deposit. The owners of this business venture are very prominent personalities including former MP Joe Donde (unconfirmed). They have apparently refused to disclose the secret to their phenomenal growth. Currently, they are in the process of expanding to other areas like Thika township.

BABs of course can pick out a needle in a haystack. It is clear that if they are not involved in the drug trade then they must be on the NSE. In this era of IPOs, it is virtually a no-risk process to invest in stock if one has an inside man. The offerings will be sold at a low initial price then when trading opens on the stock exchange; the price will increase by about 10-20%, which is normal due to high demand. Our research included a case study of the Silicon Valley Economic Bubble of the US. This was aptly named due to the 1995-1999 period where IT based companies had public offerings for shares which nearly quadrupled in value within the initial trading day. During this ‘extra blue chip’ time, some people invested $250,000 and made a million within six months (proven fact). When the bubble finally burst thousands of these companies shut down. This left the clever opportunists dead broke.

The Professor-wannabes at BABS were curious about the time period of either 42 or 65 days in the get rich or burst scheme. Last year, there were several IPOs including Kengen, Equity Bank and Eveready, each just a few months apart. This year, more are bound to come leading to the rise of the Kenyan Silicon Valley.

 The recent debacle of the CFC Bank that recorded the highest ever share value in Kenya at KSh. 900 was just the beginning.  This increase of over KSh. 750 took place within a single trading day. Although the price closed at 368 shillings later due to the fear generated by its instability, the damage had been done. The meteoric rise had been caused by the announcement that CFC would merge with Stanbic Bank based in South Africa. Meanwhile, Stanbic Bank Uganda opened trading after their IPO at thrice the buying price of the initial shares. The highly anticipated but unconfirmed Safaricom IPO will definitely be over subscribed enough to cause a huge hold up of monies for other investments. If not well co-coordinated, the banking sector may be crippled for a few days. To curb hungry investors, BABS is sure that the shares will be sold at sky-high prices but this will not stop Kenyans (remember Mumias Sugar). Anyway, the get rich quick scheme is only bound to benefit from this thus the investors will see good returns because akina Donde must also have other investment portfolios.

The scheme must be illegal but the end justifies the means. After all, what does one stand to lose if you get back what you had initially put in. Try 1000 then see if it works. I can dare to live with that but any more and we may fight! Akina Donde must be getting more than enough to feed their extended family plus distant light-year away cousins. Normal commission for stock brokerage is about 2% but I think the clever guys must be getting multiple times over that. These Dondes might be trying to make a political comeback through this scheme. Its 2007 and it’s a rat race for the General Elections…

BE CAREFUL!

PS: The current streamlining of the insurance industry is bound to bring good tidings to investors.

Youth Enterprise Fund: How to make the KSH. 50,000 last long

BABS went to trail an entrepreneur who was frustrated by the recent move by the stakeholders of the fund to initially only dish out 50Gs to groups of 12. When one combines the Bible and the City Council there is bound to be a sin city in the offing. We came across this sole proprietor in Bugzzatopia who is in the process of devising a way to rip the most out of the Youth Fund. She did the mathematics of only 4G for each group member and found out that the cash would only be good for a night out in Westlands, Nairobi.

She presented us with a copy of 12 names while she worked in her small stall. She confessed that she is the 12^th disciple who will betray the others. The rest of the group members have no idea why she asked for their names. All of them are from Gishagi/Ocha/Ushago/Countryside and are used to lounging at Mama Pima’s chang’aa drinkers joint. If her scheme succeeds, our entrepreneur will buy all her soon to be fired members KSh. 1000 worth of chang’aa or kumi kumi to make sure that they either die or become blind for the rest of their lifetimes due to the deadman’s drinks. This will be the simple part of the plan; the rock and hard place trap will arise when the fund managers come knocking to ensure that her biz is legit.

The 23 year old will overcome this by showing them her biz certificate. Of course her biz had been registered 10 years ago. She had inherited it from her father as an only child. He had been killed while she was a teenager and her mother is currently at Lang’ata Prison for the murder. Her abusive dad could only manage to leave one positive legacy.  Her traumatic childhood had led her into a life based on a cloth of thinly laced trust and a hustling spirit. She had worked with several temporary employees so the over time she had upgraded her business into a company after conning one of the hundreds of corrupt City Council officials. This was done just in time before the announcement of the upcoming Youth Fund in 2005. Her list of 11 ghost workers will function similarly to the City Council payroll that has always featured retired and non-existent names.

When inspected the bia will obviously be there with only her and a few of her temporary workers. The training program for her ‘group’ will be the most difficult to evade but she will handle that when she gets there. The worst that could happen for lying to the government will be ending up in Lang’ata Prison where she will get to meet her mum. She might later use her cloth weaving skills to Prison Break out of jail after all, several cons in Kenya have leisurely walked out through holes in the wall, fallen prison trucks and unsecured law courts.

She has managed her small business to survive since she got her Voters’ Card. Although she has never voted, she hopes that the Youth Fund will lead to her success. She trusts none of her relatives. In fact, most of them alienated her due to the history of her kin but she has devised a way to milk the little cash from the Youth Fund cow.

I was informed that she is hopeful that her plan will work due to the bureaucracy that goes with such funds. Even up to this point, the government has not clearly spelt out the policy that will govern the fund. Nobody is sure whether individuals will be able to access the fund without having to go through the group stages. In an election year, as much as the government might deny it, the fund will be embroiled in politics otherwise it would have been introduced earlier. I am sure they will promise a new constitution if they win a second term!!!!

The water is taking a bath

When you bath with clean water you clean yourself -when you accidentally dip yourself in dirty water you are actually cleaning the water!

I love sitting on the bench

Arsenal got the bragging rights for the English Premiership Season after defeating arch rivals Manchester United. Die-hard fans in Kenya celebrated so maniacally that I mistakenly assumed that Thierry Henry and Van Persie had dished out cash to them.

This inspired the odd thought that the judiciary is the only place where sitting on the bench is revered. Ask Justice Aganyanya who was recently cleared of corruption charges by a tribunal. All the judges who appealed against their suspension in the government’s Radical Surgery of the Judiciary have so far been cleared.

There will be a vacancy for a new surgeon in Dec2007!

Gone are the days when I used to go to church just to listen to the pastor at the opaque pulpit. The modern pulpit is made of glass to show transparency and accountability but behind the light there is much darkness. I see a tunnel at the end of the light.

The soaps that are being created by the drama in church are setting new standards in entertainment. Kenya is set to become the next Hollywood. India opened the market with Bollywood, Nigeria followed with Nollywood and Kenya might take to Kenwood. Christianity is soon going to be a compulsory unit for a course in Public Relations (PR). The con artist Paul formerly known as Kamlesh Pattni blazed the trail by declaring his born again self in church. This followed the tax consuming court cases before he was found non-guilty of crippling Kenya’s economy in the Goldenberg scandal. Hot on the trail came Ndura Waruinge and Maina Njenga, the Mungiki sect non-leaders. Pastor Ndura is still preaching to the prisoners while in remand.

Despite the early signs from Mason Betha (Mase of Bad Boy then G-Unit Records) and Robert Kelly (R-Kelly), we were not prepared for Bishop Margaret Wanjiru and Pastor Pius Muiru (PM) who passed through the Christian School of non-PR. PM thinks he is destined to be an MP by reversing his initials. On further thought, he decided that fate had dealt him a winning hand and declared his ambitions to run for Presidency in the 2007 General Elections. He is running on a RAP-Kenya ticket. There was Ford-Kenya, Narc-Kenya and ODM- Kenya thus he does not want to completely rely on his God but also on wordy logic. Meanwhile, he is juggling his career PR progression with litigation launched against him. It is claimed that he imported electronic goods under the non-pretext that they were church material in order to evade tax.

PR is all about perception so Margaret formerly known as Mrs. Kamangu was shocked when her apparently ex non-husband showed up to declare that her children have a vacancy for a father. Bishop Margaret ‘Thatcher’ swung an iron fist and vehemently denied her non-marriage to Mr. Kamangu, who she declared had jiggers in his hands (They must have been very intimate for her to see such detail). Kamangu came out with proof of their marriage with picture evidence that was not Adobe Photoshop work. Thatcher became defensive and offered non-proof of marriage while diverting attention when she announced that she was a virgin as a young form-three girl. This was supposed to place her atop the pedestal of the several Kenyan virgins at 17. A few were impressed and quickly confessed that they were not deflowered until marriage but Thatcher was traded rose for rose at a tender age and bore two children who she seems to forget, have emotions. The father vacancy was although too big for Kamangu’s jigger infested limbs and he took out his frustrations on Thatcher. She moved on just in time and now manages a lucrative transport business while shepherding a highly successful church. She is an Iron Lady and did not hesitate to command Kamangu to hang himself instead of ‘lethal injectioning’ himself. Saddam Hussein declared that only brave men die by the hangman’s noose so Kamangu cannot be perceived as brave for coming out to spoil Maggie’s plans to hold office.

Conclusively, these church leaders who are case studies on non-PR need to go back to school since they do not realize that politics is a dirty game. The road would have been smoother for Maggie if she had admitted to the truth and let sleeping dogs (with their jiggers) lie. The church might soon absorb this model judging from our perception of things to come.

Pastor Muiru get prepared, a wife will surface from the streets that you came from!!