Network marketing is a phenomena that has been in Kenya for a while but is now getting more attention. This is the selling of products in a tree structure. This means that if I get into the venture I get other pips to buy the goods that I offer and in turn they can also help me to market them and sell them.

At one time I was slithered into such a venture by a close friend. She was very sleek and never initially told me where she was taking me.

“It will change your life,” she kept saying with excitement.

I was led to a small hall near the Nairobi CBD where people had gathered. All of them appeared to be in deep conversation. There were men and women from all walks of life. It seemed like a scene that you would get in church.

My guide still refused to say what it was all about but remained very assuring and introduced me to a few of her colleagues. Shortly a spokesperson headed to the front and started to talk of the company that was using network marketing. She spoke clearly and confidently explaining each and every step to getting rich. There were no lies and unnecessary twists. It was all about the participant convincing his/her friends to buy their idea and their friends doing the same to others. Each person got a certain percentage of commission. The more the marketers under you, the more the commission that trickles up to you.

The only problem with the speaker was that she was vague in saying that it is products that you are selling. She kept insisting that as you talk to a potential customer, you are selling the idea and not the product. If you want to sell anything whether in network marketing or otherwise this is true to a certain extent. What she failed in was making it clear that in the end, a product will have to be sold. Consequently, a fresh participant will only think about selling the idea and not knowing the price at which the goods have to be sold. There is no bargaining unless you fake a high price yourself. As a result a ‘fresher’ will have to find out for himself. The company was selling health products. Most of these included body detoxifiers, herbal tea, skin ointments and others. Everybody knows that they are necessary but not everybody can pay the high price that these excellent products are sold at.

I was such a person so I didn’t initially know the price of the goods. I tried later to ask my guide but she was not forth coming and in stead emphasized on selling the idea. Without this half-info I had to think of whether I could try my hand in it. Kumbe the venture requires quite some capital because to sell the products you must first by them yourself. This is another fact the speaker was not stating clearly. The price ranged from KSh.2000 and above. I definitely could not afford that without a basic salary. Secondly, I had to convince my family to buy them. It is easy to sell the idea but when they ask about the price then the problem begins. It is definite that in order to earn you not only have to get a willing buyer but to also convince him/her to buy the good. This was initially going to be a full time job because in my situation I have friends and family who are willing to buy the product but cannot purchase it due to financial constraints.

When you decide to get into network marketing make sure that you will not only sell the product but also have enough capital to buy it. Initially it will be like a full time job but if you succeed you will earn while you sleep. Have an open mind and if you have a dream other than network marketing make sure that you can postpone it but still use this scheme as a means to an end. This was why my friend never told me where she was taking me since I had to have an open mind. The decision is yours!

The world is growing increasingly small. We have Michael Jackson wannabes in the name of House of Yahweh. Like M.J these religious fanatics have decided to build bunkers that will ensure there safety in the case of a nuclear war. I pity the lot because their leader is so detached from them that if he were part of the body, he was donated for scientific study in a research bio-lab. It is a fact that the presidents of modern day Babylon(U.S) also have a bunker that they can hide in just in case potential enemies attack e.g. meteors, Iran, a new ice age, North Korea etc.

The president in case of this emergency allegedly has a Football. Americans dared to name their kind of rugby football while the players hold the ball in the hands during 90% of a game but this is not the football that I am writing about. This football is a purported briefcase with a button which only the Commander In Chief can push to authorize the launch of a nuclear warhead. There is an agent who is paid just to follow the president with it!

I watched the match from a break your neck position in one of the campus TV rooms in Kenyatta University. I managed to import a seat from the hostel and sat at the very edge of the first row. This section is normally reserved for Mambo Mbotela types who think they are commentators and hard core fans. Strangely, there were only two noisy Arsenal fans and Man-U was hushed up. Perhaps they had a premonition of their loss. The two Arses were were literally asses; they were talking a lot of crap while the Men United grumbled and requested them to use tissue for their mouths. Anyway, from where I was seated there were late comers who had no butt-rest but still insisted on watching the match in front of us at right angles to the TV. Others thought that the window grills were made to perform matatu stunts so they were hanging from them.

Meanwhile Kenyans are still reeling from our cup qualifier loss to Eritrea. We cannot win with goalkeepers who rig for the opposition such as O-rig-i. Lama decided to go back to France.  Kifafa i.e. KFF failed to convince the former French keeper who had in turn failed in his bid to train our unfortunate keeper.

Anyway a Bugzzalot sports category is coming soon. I got a hot sports analyst who is insane enough to rank as a fellow bug.

There’s a website that stated that the talk show host should run for president. Although Oprah is totally against the idea, of course she can make a good president. This will be because:

• There is no doubt she can talk!
• Women will definitely vote for her in numbers thus prompting the men to do the same (Yeah, its true that men are the real weaker sex!).LL Oprah-Ladies Love Oprah.
• Even as an Independent candidate she will get the Republican vote since she abhors gangsta rappers such as IceCube, 50 Cent etc.
• She got Benjamins and makes dreams come true in her special edition talk shows.
• She gave Citroens for free in one of her shows but still told her audience that they will have to pay taxes for them to the government. I didn’t understand the logic but its something like the lottery winner who has to pay the government tax for his wins.
• She is a perfect example of a rags-to-riches story.
• She is not married so there is no foolish huzzie who will have his ego bruised and betray the U.S to their enemies.
• She can broadcast her views over the satellite radio company that she hosts thus in case of a nuclear attack from one of America’s many enemies, she can motivate the few survivors from her bunker.
• She still spots the basic hairstyle she had a decade ago so at least she is consistent in something. Besides, kama akili ni nywele we know that she has a brain.
• She holds no interests in the oil industry except may be for her hair. No more invasions, no more invasions!

Is it pure coincidence that in the Bible, Uriah’s wife, BATHsheba was seen on the roof by King David having a BATH prompting

 In MTV’s ‘Making the Video’, which shows how various music stars video singles are made, the final music video clip is shown at the end of the program. Bugzzalot thinks that they should do something similar to their other regular ‘Making the Movie’; show the movie at the end of the show!

First they took our trousers, now they want our short hair, what next our p*****s?

First we took their manicures then took their long hair, what next their p*****s?

Yeah it is as hard to fill in the gaps as it is as hard to draw the graying line between the male and female genders.

Since oil was discovered in Colorado, U.S recently. The future presidents will stop meddling in Middle East affairs in a decade before the experts do their research and approve mining in the area.   

What were the producers of KTN youth program ‘Str8 Up’ thinking when they brought Prezzo clips under the pretext that he can be an ordinary mwananchi like the rest of us?

They showed him eating with his Cash Money Brothers in a kibanda dressed in expensive suits. I mean who gives a damn! That is a very poor publicity stunt. We know he’s rich and is the Kenyan King of bling since the Arturs were deported. I hope that he will release a single worth his inherited wealth unlike his previous ones.

Calif Records is at it again with hit and miss divas like Choku. This time it’s a chic called Wamboe. Unda 18 Jimwat features in her goofy club song ‘Tunakatika’. She will at least earn props for her shapely full figure and sweet face. One can tell that given the right training she can sing but producer Clemo does no justice. The chorus sounds like she sang it in the kitchen akichonga viazi while the lyrics are shallower than a saucer with a film of water.

Calif star Flexx was recently at pains trying to explain the theme of his song ‘Amejibeba’. Even a street savvy geek like me can tell from both the lyrics and the video clip that he is expressing his views about the ‘junk in the trunk’ of a lady with all the right things in the perfect places. According to Flexx he is vibing about a lady who has monetary means and can take care of herself. Sawa basi- Flexx for M.P!

Hype Williams the music video directing guru is losing some of the creative niche that put him on top of his field in U.S Hip Hop. I am sure that you remember the video gems such as Busta Rhymes terminator-like appearance in ‘What’s it gonna be’, Missy’s balloon shaped clad in ‘Supa Dupa Fly’, Nas’ purported crucifixion scenes in ‘Hate Me Now’ and many more. These out of the box scenes had something for everyone to remember but if you check out his current vids like LL Cool J’s ‘Control myself’ ft J-Lo, Neo’s ‘So sick’, Janet Jackson’s ‘Call On Me’ ft Nelly and Lil Jon’s ‘Snap yo fingers’, there is an ingredient X missing. They just show the performers in graphically enhanced backgrounds and the two bars above and below the main clip showing alternate shoots. There is no bendy story or eye catching camera trick. Only Kanye West’s ‘Diamonds of Sierra Leone’ pastes a horrific scene in the mind. The site of a woman putting on a ring that led to the spread of a bloody coating all over her body was certainly intriguing. Back when he mesmerized me, Hype Williams said that he started directing music vids cause the ones then had one-dimensional scenes without the input of the musician being taken into consideration. He should get back to that way of thinking otherwise at the pace that modern hits are being forgotten, there will be no music vids to look forward to on T.V except Charles Luche’s local productions.

A few days ago I was at Ziwani, Nairobi. I thought the days of wire framed toy cars and bird hunting had died off with our generation to give room to PS2s and Computer games. It was an uplifting sighting to watch the Ziwani kids hunting birds using slings na feya. They were pretty skillful. To get the birds out of hiding in the few overgrown bushy hedges they threw stones and as they flew off, WHAM! Its fowl meat for the taste buds.

I remember when I was a walking piece of mischief, a neighbor within our estate had a lugworts (or some tasty small yellow fruit with a similar name) tree in his backyard. Our bratty crew used to relieve him of the burden of picking the fruits by doing it ourselves and eating everything. Our only obstacle was a 6-foot brick wall that we climbed easily using each other as props. We then filled our pockets and paper bags with the sweet delicacies. For some reason the owner always went up-country during the ripening season of the tree. This was coincidentally when primary school kids were on August holiday. So when he came back with all the passion to eat the fruit of his labor, there was nothing on the tree except idle bitter leaves. We did this annually till the poor man cut the tree.

Funniest Comedy goes to Vioja Mahakamani. The ‘Friends’ or ‘Two and a Half Men’ sitcoms do not stand a chance against characters such as Makokha, the Masaai who gives directions to his home with phrases such as “Ukikuja vunjika mkono kwa hii corner” and the judge who maintains a straight face amid crazy antics by the two.

Most Commercial News goes to NTV’s news at 9. This award goes to the news that is best summarized yet operates in a fun movie like theme to attract mafans. Which other news shows uncensored pictures of the Zulu Virginity test ceremony or presents the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the format of the 24 award winning drama series?

Eye pleasing News: when the cute dimpled, megawatt smile Ms.Lilian Muli presents KTN’s weekend news of course!

The MotorRAZR cellphone ad is funny but at one time it was brought 3 times in a span of five minutes during the commercial break of the 7 o’clock KTN Swahili News. It is a major Time Waster. It also earns the award of Most Irrelevant TV ad. Who wants to have a cell that can cut through the trouser pockets or can slit your chest in the case of pips who love hanging the cells from their necks?

The paragraph that I wrote on Rick Ross (category: Muziki Kubaff) got somebody really pissed. Thank u for the input. He commented that the ‘Hustlin’ single is as whack as it gets. Okay well hustlin’/hustle is a word that has been used in a thousand and one hooks by rappers of late. ‘The Boss’ Rick Ross as he declares in the first verse however does justice to its use. The instrumentals in the track are refreshingly street-laced and Ross’s flow is pasted on the beat with super glued beauty. That’s the reason why Jay-Z and Young Jeezy each contribute a verse on the underground remix. Before you judge a rapper it is critical to know where he’s from.

Rick is from Miami thus hugely influenced by the Dirty South, so one should not expect the crafty lyricism associated with NY but all the same he does not fail to shine with drug-influenced bars such as “I get high and let my chopper smoke”. In normal speak, this means gunfire. In other songs such as ‘Push It’ he philosophies “Who thought that fat girl could grow to be Oprah” in reference to billionaire Oprah Winfrey’s success. Another artistic feature that he uses is taking a word and using it in different contexts within a verse. His street credibility is based on his days as a drug dealer thus his songs are heavily slaced with narcotic slang. As for the few singles that I have heard via the Internet, very few people consider him whack. I believe that an album should be a story as Busta Rhymes was quoted saying and Rick Ross’s new album ‘Port of Miami’ is exactly that. It opened three weeks ago at number one on the U.S Billboard Charts.

From the Observation category, I wondered why everything was hush hush about ex-Pres Moi’s accident kumbe the Range Rover that he used was registered under Hon. William Ruto’s name. The story about how the accident occurred still remains a mystery though!

Do you remember MP Mwenje’s declaration that he will use the CDF (Constituency Development Fund) to compensate the relatives of the victims of the fire at Libra House, Mombasa Rd. I earlier on expressed sinister motives in this declaration in one article only to later learn that due to Mwenje’s shiftiness in management of the CDF of his constituency, its accounts were frozen. The case is dragging on in court. So much for the compensation!!!

Shrubz pt.1

Neighbor: Umeona Silas?

Me: (With a quizzical look) Silas?

Neighbor: (With an equally quizzical look) E Eeeh, Silas.

Me: Mmmmh, oh! Cyrus!