Phrase of the Week

“Nitakunywa Senator ka Obama”

One liners

“Nadhani nilisniff glue kwa sababu umestick in my mind tangu nikucheki”

“Usijifanye Wawesh ati mjanja”

Best Quote

Niliskia kwa t.v

"Navumilia kuwa Mkenya"

When Kenyans fly out for further studies abroad they usually end up on the Deans’ List of the top performing students. This is especially so in the highly rated universities in the U.S and U.K. The B Double-R (Bugzzalot Rat & Roaches) lab is the first to really crack why this is so.

• Contrary to Kenyan belief, our 8-4-4 system of education leaves the student fresh and new since we all know that;

       8-4-4=0.

      One can thus absorb new info like a kid who was born yester.

• It is too cold to go outside. This especially applies to the initial days. The warm tropics are latitudes away from you so once you get a book and the number of drinking nation friends is nil; you definitely make it your buddy.
• Kenyan politicians can be so stupid that we have to be Wawesh types yaani wajanja.
• Many one-track minded whites think that all Africans live on trees so we have to prove otherwise.
• Internet is all over and free unlike at home.
• To get a visa you have to know how to follow instructions to the letter, a key point in exams.
• In U.S, the drivers always think and drive on the right unlike left sided Kenyans. One thus learns to think right in addition to the left he has been used to.

The labs are still looking into other conclusive pieces of evidence. More will arise soon.

Familia nzima hugandiza ovyo-ovyo kwa maslums

Tao hadi inda kerende zinangojana kupata habari ya janta imepatikana

Asubuhi sauti yangu kwa lami na vumbi zikihojiana

Sole za chuja zinaanza kugotana

Nauli nafuu itapatikana asubuhi na mapema

Wakenya tumeamua kuhema

Maisha si Pop ka ngoma ya Sema

Chakula kibandani ni chafua au choma

Kelele ni ya mate ikiflow kwa mdomo

Mkurugenzi anahisi moto kwa mkono

Kukufuta kazi nd’o alale unono

Sanasana kumanga chakula cha mchana ni bahati

Nimechoka na michoro za kudoro kwa kitanda

Nimechoka na pozi different za kutulia kwa sofa

Nimechoka na njaro mpya za kusorora mamanzi

Nimechoka na schemes weird za kusample keroro

Nipe nafasi niuze moto kwa Ibilisi, niuze dhahabu mbinguni

Wanadhani ni rahisi, kumbe nafuata kichochoro kati ya makahaba

Miaka arobaini kati ya mimba na msiba

Natia raondi ni ka niko rubber

Gava wanaban ads za barley nd’o wasee wanywe chang’aa

Usiku, mi ni mweusi kushinda kaa

Majambazi, masampa, marafiki hawanipati

Niko kazini, chini ya maji vile hipster huficha kasoro ya mateke

I was created and captured in my analog form. A portion of memory was preserved for the entertainment of earthlings. I am among many parts of data that will form the scene of a drama series. Luckily, I am an audiovisual micro-entity of a scene that the actor captured to perfection. Someone will eventually stare at me in awe and suspense on the other side of the globe.

Welcome to the era of technocrats, bootleggers and couch potatoes. The world is changing at a fast pace that only the connected get to become a couch potato for a whole weekend for an understandable reason. I usually get a bootlegged drama series before it officially hits the silver screens of America. 24, Lost, The 4400, Prison Break etc. are among a list of the super series blazing the airwaves of television.

It all began with 24 Season 1. It set new extremely high standards expected from a drama. It had picture-freezing suspense; a jigsaw fit cast, a thickly layered story with twists and virtually 3-D imagery. Other new drama series got their roots from this groundbreaking beginning from Prison Break to Lost.

 It is a fictional story that takes place in real time and stretches over a 24-hour period. Each single episode theoretically lasts for 1 hour. The story revolves around Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland) a Counter terrorism agent hot on the trail of Osama followers in the form of terrorists. The threats issued by the axis of evil are bound to materialize within the 24-hour period and Jack Bauer is the agent with the rogue skills, character and drive to save the damsel in distress. In this case, it is the U.S Superpower. He breaks necks, stabs, shoots, robs, hi jacks and kidnaps all in the name of anti-terrorism and ends up as the hero of the day.

I must say that every 24 season gets better and hotter. But according to me, season 4 tops all the others. Season 5 was full of twists but the bad guys were not well crafted. Their mission was shadowy and lacked passion as far as I was concerned. In season 4 , I clearly recall Habib -a bad guy worthy of being Jack Bauer’s arch enemy. The Anwar terrorist family was an original creation from the programs writers. It was split due to the conflicting views of the parents and their son towards so called infidels. The ending of season 5 though was very juicy. In the 6^th season, Jack will be at pains to find a way of dodging the Chinese government. I am sure it will top the rest since it picks up from the ending of season four (my personal best).  My thesis as a professor of 24 is that the 5^th season was written in a hurry and did not have to be aired. It only serves to establish additional background of season 6, has unnecessary twists and one never knows the origin of the bad guys who controlled President Logan (who is strangely a President George Bush-like character). May be the frustrated writers will squeeze them into season 6.

Some people are saying that Lost has surpassed 24. That is bull-crap! I am yet to see a single drama that keeps me at the edge of my seat like 24. As you already know, there are millions of fans so it was no surprise that it scooped another Emmy Best Drama award for 2006 and that is just for season 5. This is the most prestigious award a drama series can receive. It is the equivalent of Oscars for T.V.

Anyway, no thanks to the B.A (bootleg addicts) degree holders, I still have more drama series to prevent me from walking out of home during the weekend. These days I do not waste my cash on the highly priced EABL monopoly products, I just get into the couch potato club with my pips and watch a well-compiled series. Movies are no longer a priority unless my eyes accidentally fall on one that my friends are watching. There was a time when I had watched so many movies that when I went to the video library, I was used as reference material to grade the best and the worst. I presently just get an empty DVD and burn a whole season of a gripping drama series. At the Snap of a Lil Jon finger, I have approximately 24 hours of entertainment.

Most guys in the city are now acquiring comps at throwaway prices. The flash disk is quickly replacing bling as an accessory. If I get wind of someone with new music or videos in their computer, I use the flash disk to download and take it into my own machine. There are even DVD Players that have a slot for flash disks. Entertainment is becoming cheap and quick for those not in the circle but free and at light speed  for those within the circle!

Rick Ross

There is a new face of mainstream U.S hip-hop in the name of Rick Ross. He is one of the first musicians to get a huge chunk of earnings from ring tone sales even before he sold an album. He has a characteristic bushy beard and looks like Suge Knight (former Deathrow Records CEO in charge of acts like Tupac, Snoop etc.) if you cannot picture him yet, just watch the TV. He is bound to come to a music store near you. ‘Hustlin’ is his new single on heavy rotation as a street anthem.

Ill punchlines

One of the reasons that I love hip-hop is the sheer wit of the M.C. Check out these bars spit by an M.C known as Mode9:

“Too ill like Siamese twins with HIV”

Then when he ended the song he declared:

“The clock is on the ceiling, I guess my time is up”

The song is titled ‘360 poetry’ and the video is constantly shown on MTV-Base. You have to listen to it even if you are not a fan of hip-hop. The production is also on point!

N.S.A

N.S.A does not stand for National Security Advisor as you may think. It’s a youthful Kenyan duo of a talented lady and gentleman who have just released a song that is uniquely fresh. The song mixes rap and RnB both in Swa and English. To add to that a fusion with a sultry guitar tune makes it have an afro and neo soul feel. ‘Want u in my life’ is a single that any discerning music fan lazima askize. I am sure it will find its way to u soon!

The K-club is the new kids club on T.V consisting of Honorables such as Khalembe Ndile, Kalonzo Musyoka, Mutula Kilonzo and Martha Karua. They have caused the recent political melee in our country.

This is not the war of the worlds but the war of the words. Khalembe had to revert to his old days as a pauper and board a moving vehicle during the rush hour of sticks and stones following him. It was a pitiful sight for an Assistant Minister. It all began at a meeting in Mwingi South Constituency where both political adversaries i.e. Khalembe and Kalonzo were present. Hon. Kalonzo Musyoka decided to perform a Chinese characteristic he had picked as a Foreign Affairs Minister during the former president Moi Days.

 It is said that the Chinese never forget. Hon Khalembe has on numerous occasions been foul mouthed about Kalonzo. There is nothing as sweet as revenge and Kalonzo had his cake and ate it despite the desperate pleas for help from his adversary. Mafans wake decided to get rid of Khalembe with violence. All this was caught on camera. The cameraman should get an award for sniper shooting amid the chaos.  Truly, I expected Kalonzo to be more mature than that. He had the opportunity to be the bigger man and calm the mob as Khalembe was virtually on his knees pleading for him to do so (So much for him being a national leader!) If he can do that, he has lost my vote in case he vies for presidency.

On another note, Shadow Attorney General (Mutula Kilonzo) and Constitutional Affairs Minister (Martha Karua) were recently interviewed by Louis Otieno on air. Both lawyers just proved why they are good at their jobs-Lying. Martha was cornered when asked why Minister Michuki used a helicopter to transport campaign posters during the just concluded by-elections. She said that Michuki was on official biz and simply ‘giving a lift’ to the campaign agents. Kilonzo was not also spared since he was around when retired President Moi was openly using government resources for campaigns in 2002. He vehemently denied this.

Kama haujui there are new shades in the market known as stunnaz. These are the rage in music videos. Jagged Edge have sung about them. Dirty South rappers are stunting with them in all their vidz. DNA, our very own Kenyan rapper wears them in his new video and single titled ‘Banjuka’(or something like that).

As an innovative mind, I have a get rich quick scheme that 50 Cent would frown at. The B Double-R (Bugzzalot Rat and Roach) labs have found a close resemblance of stunna shades to the ones that were the in-thing when I was a kajunior heading for the Nairobi ASK (Agricultural Society of Kenya) show at the Jamhuri Grounds. The show is around the corner and I am sure that there is a muhindi etntrepreneur out there who still has the presence of mind to reproduce the bugz bunny shades that I used to love. I am sure most people my young age remember that the shades had cartoon figures added at their top end edges.

I am willing to sign a “pre-nupt” with the muhindi. This is going to ensure that both of us benefit as required and no defrauding of yours truly’s royalty and rights cheque as the idea originator. The only special adjustment that he will make to the bugs bunny shades will be to cut off the bunny. After this, a sleek stunna label will be placed on them. Of course no one knows the stunna label yet so it will be at our discretion.

To make sure that they get to the consumer quick, fast and in a hurry, the hawking profession will provide a channel of distribution. The first round of knockout stunnaz will not come cheap. Anyone who wants to look like the girl or boy on TV has to pay a price and Stunnaz will be the hottest thang out there.

The sun is back with a vengeance, a water shortage is looming and computers are everywhere. People will want to shield themselves from UV-rays, tears will need to be preserved and radiation prevented. Just for the marketing promotion the stunnaz will come with the theme:

“Chunga Macho, Chunga Maji, Keep Cool with Stunnaz”

For copyright’s sake we shall change the name as required e.g  Stannaz, Stunnerz etc. There is after all Rebook instead of Reebok, Kukanganyana instead of Kukanyagana.

Celebz are wasting time. If I were given a job as their manager there would be:

• G-Unit G-Strings
• Furahi Day Alcoholic Juice
• Madonna Like A Virgin Support Group for Secondary Virgins
• Nonini School for Know Nothings i.e the dummies
• XYZ Nursery
• Jay-Z Retirement Benefits Scheme
• Project Fame for the Nameless
• Wakhu Baby Shower Event Organizers
• Juma Nature Reserve
• Homeboyz home for the Homeless
• Prezzo Studded bling condoms
• Machizi Mental Institute
• Pilipili Sauce
• Wyre Ng’ombe Barbed wire
• Kirubi Rubies
• Passaris Adopt some Lights (Non-Tobacco Cigarettes for chics)
• Jua Cali Umbrellas (for the September hot season-strictly for the ladies!)
• Mwafrika Hip Hop Village
• Obama Senator Bar Pints
• Flexx Gym
• Me Julie Gichuru Escort service
• Kibaki Mabaki Recyclers

And that’s why I am not employed. I would make too much money!

Last weekend I was at an inter religious marriage. It was a beautiful unity between a Muslim and Christian. There was a problem though when the M.C said that after a speech we should learn to applause for as long as the Americans do after a State of the Union speech delivery by a U.S president. On inviting the Muslim relative to speak, the relative was quick to state that we should not ape the Americans but be like Kenyans.

On many aspects, he was correct but his intonation was such that one could detect his dislike for Americans. The M.C was however quick to diffuse the situation by wholly agreeing with him. In view of this, I was amazed that such dislike/hate exists between the West and Muslims. It is a saddening picture. I just pray that it does not split Kenyans.

According to me the I.D is an obsolete piece of document in Kenya. It was known as kipande during colonial times and was used to segregate natives and white colonialists. Right now, you never use it except when a cop wants to solicit cash from you. They should make it have a real function. It would make sense to make a passport and voters card compulsory or even a driving license like in the U.S where in some states, at 16 one is supposed to have a DL except under special circumstances. The I.D for instance should allow you to travel to Uganda or Tanzania without the need of a passport in the spirit of East African unity.

The government should start thinking of such ways to save cold hard cash!

Colin Bruised

The World Bank-Kenya Boss, Colin Bruce, was surprised to be stopped and his driver charged for over speeding. He wanted to pull of an Artur. It is unfortunate he is not whitish and does not fund any political parties!

I am sure that you have heard of the joke that a kleptomaniac (addict of stealing) once stole from his left hand using the right hand without knowledge of the incident!

 A while back, I was sent to the shop by my mum and given a 200-shilling note. I slipped the legal tender into my left back pocket, which I rarely use. When it came to the purchase I dipped into all the other pockets except the left back. Thinking that I had lost the cash, I went back home with my head hang low and I was handed another 2 soc. Later in the night, I discovered the lost cash.

Is there any association that helps kleptoes-in-denial like me out there?

Can I Borrow a…

Since the KCB Amana bank account for Muslims does not earn interest and it is against Islam to get interest, if I borrow cash will I be charged interest on repayment?