Since most of the Kenyan Project Fame divas are now free to roam, men will be on the prowl with these lines:

For Valerie

“If you were on top of a flagpole you would be the world’s biggest lollipop coz you’re so sweet”

For Christine

“You must be the pin-up girl for the skin lotion coz you’re so Dark’n’Lovely”

For Linda

“I wouldn’t mind having a windowless bachelor pad in Umoja Estate because your eyes will be the windows to both of our souls”

For Renee

“I remember that there was a blackout just after you sang on one of the Sunday Shows. It took me a while to notice coz your smile had lit up the room with enough brightness for the following two hours.”

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  Dis of the Week

“You are so short that when you use an elevator to a building’s top floor you still remain on the ground floor (or you’d end up at the basement).”-Bugzzalot

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ITS SAFE NOW, NO MORE PLAYGROUNDS.

I have a biz idea- Get rid of all the playgrounds and put up buildings. It’s easy since its already being done and this is why my idea will work:

• We can assume that all the kids are playing on PS1/2.
• Road reserves are more important than letting my kid explore the world. How else will they know we have a 5.8% growth if we don’t build?
• Making wire framed cars is messy; let the kids be reckless when they own a matatu.
• “Daddy I want a new toy,” the kid tells me. I hand him my laptop or send him to a cyber spot, “Go look for an Internet pal or play Doom on cyberspace.” I say this ignoring the fact that there is the possibility of my neglected kid ending up in a chat room at the speed of more than 200 pedophiles an hour.
• Hunting of birds using slings and feyas is dangerous. Environmentalists will be on you like soccer on Raila’s speeches.
• Running hundred meter dashes is unsafe; all the estate roads have cars, mkokotenis and hawker stalls.
• Kids cannot longer jump from trees and break their legs on soft ground padded with grass. We have built flats next to electric poles to stop this and put concrete and metal railings on the verandahs.
• Most bars have schools on top so why bother with a playground when enough noise will be heard from the bars to keep them busy.
• Schools turn into churches in the evenings and on Sundays and we can only handle so much noise between worship and school time.
• Hooray for Cartoon Network! There is so much dark humored conversation that on top of my kid learning to speak and become intelligent, they’ll learn to tease the geek in class without laying a finger on him. There is no Road Runner and Coyote with silly inventions,
  Sesame Street is just uncool, Donald Duck is a duck who screeches instead of talking. My kid would rather watch Cow and Chicken puking, roasting on a roof or the cow sucking her own udder.

I think they’ll be well occupied.

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   OBSERVATIONSNeedles for drugs

The controversial needle exchange program at the Coast where a Rehab center provides clean unused needles to drug user’s should be supported not only because it prevents the spread of the HIV/AIDS virus but also the center’s workers will gain contact with the addicts. They can use this opportunity to try to draw them towards the rehabilitation program.

Tumechill?

In 2005, it is said Kenyans used 120million condoms. Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches lab did some simple calculations and assumed since there are approximately 30 million Kenyans, 21 million of whom are youth and 365 days in a year. 328,767 condoms are used per day thus Kenyans wengi wamechill. But also dividing 120m by 20m we can assume each Kenyan used 6 condoms for the whole year. Even taking into account other less popular contraceptives, people don’t do the nasty as much as they claim to!

 Look alikes

Nicole of Pussycat Dolls and Cassie of Bad Boy Records have a striking resemblance.

   Survivor Africa

Why did the winner of this Reality Show only get 100,000 US dollars while in other series involving the Wests the reward is 1,000,000 US dollars?

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     A WEEKEND IN THE EAST AMID THE WEST 

Last weekend, I was escorting a friend of mine to visit a Chinese herbalist in Nairobi’s Westlands. Yes, we are growing tired of conventional meds. President Kibaki is our role model. After all, he is seeking more help from the orient to aid in our infrastructure reconstruction. His Excellency is also known to be one, if not the only, President to turn down a salary increase. This was after naming various Washenzis and Mpumbafus the previous week.  Maybe he is reforming for the better!

Anyway, the China Medicine man was highly recommended by a friend who had become a few years younger after re-growing hair on his baldhead using a liquid from the herbalist. The place is known as the Oriental Herbal Clinic, if I remember correctly. It’s next to the Sarit Center (City within a City) but slightly hidden so one will have to ask for directions to reach it.

Once you get in, you’ll notice that it’s a separate building within a diplomat’s home. There is a beautiful welcoming lawn and as you get in. An attendant even offers you herbal tea. It has a woody taste (not that I’ve eaten wood) but strangely lives one totally refreshed. There are three nurses at your disposal and a pharmacist. All these were Kenyans. It’s only the doc who is Chinese. The reception is filled with his relevant accreditations including pictures with various famous dignitaries (it wasn’t forgery from Photoshop). The consultancy fee is KSh.500 although since my ‘young’ friend knew his problem and remedy he was urged to go directly to the pharmacist. I was impressed, no queue, no bribes just good service at a low fee. And the damn liquid, which is called Yahya, began working in just a few days with no side (or central) effects.

The good vibe from the herbalist center gave us the psyche to head to Sarit Center to get a glimpse of The 3^rd Annual Kenya Music Week and also the Games Arcade. It had been years since I was in this shopper’s delight fun zone. As soon as we entered the reception, we were handed a guide to the various stands. We never bothered to use it, we just looked for the most attractive stands and weaved in. Eric Wanaina’s attracted us because they were issuing free tapes of two of his singles ‘Ukweli’ and ‘Kenya Only’ (Am a cheap peni mbili youth). Most of the stands where we expected action were idle e.g. Pulse, CapitalFM, HomeBoyz. The Beat Factory stand according to me was the best set-up. It had a lot of studio equipment for the music enthusiast and speakers of my size. Then there was mwafrika.com that I thought belonged to Mwafrika the Hip Hop M.C only to see gospel paraphernalia (someone has not registered their stage name). I loved thee website despite this small setback. They also had a good stock of Christian albums and beautiful women to fly you through the narrow path.

Essentially, we were looking for the official Ukoo Flani Mau Mau stand. It wasn’t on location but we found a small exhibition of their albums and branded Ukoo Flani cigarette lighters. As I’ve stated before, I was eager to get my hands on the ‘Dandora Burning’ album and we didn’t hesitate once we saw it at only 4 soc. We also bought 2 lighters (Put yo’ lighters up!) although I don’t smoke the cancer stick. The album did not disappoint, it’s a true hip-hop head’s treasure. It has a more refined sound than the group’s previous effort, ‘Kilio Cha Haki’. From this stand I was pulled to the Underground Zone stand because of the T-Shirts that caught my eye. They weren’t the conventional cut-paste, record label, rip off types that were in most other displays. I literally dragged my pal towards them. Each T-Shirt had a multi-colored graffiti painted face of a celeb from Pac to BIG to Dedan Kimathi etc. The jamaa in charge also said that he could personalize it to one’s specifications including painting one’s very own image (check out Nonini’s T-Sho in the ‘Si Lazima’ video clip). They were good…real good. They sold for KSh. 1000 although he was open to negotiation. If I had the 1K, I would have got one without bargaining. Did I say they were damn good?

What would make the music week better is if the artists actually had a place where one can listen to a sample of their music. Some of them are not well known and stage performances don’t take place 24/7. It only takes a CD player, headphones and a few recorded songs (whether they are complete or not) to get a new fan. If that’s not possible then the guy must be available at all times for a live performance at his own stand!

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