Mungix records- Home of the real Kenyan Gangsta Rappers.

 

As Tusker Project Fame 2006 crowned its new talented superstar, Valerie and awarded her with a Merc, Mungix Records had also discovered a fledgling hot artist. Mungix Records has been the Deathrow Records of Kenya and has been signing on controversial personalities who have been keeping it miles ahead of the competition. There have been several hit singles, which have resulted to death of many. It has been a major money-laundering outfit. Critics and investigators alike have linked it to the control of matatu termini, tobacco snuffing and movement of machetes and other crude weapons. Some government agents have previously been implicated in funding the record company but no solid proof has been forthcoming. The exact date of its rise is not well known. Its executives have claimed to be worshippers of certain idols from
Mt. Kenya. They have even claimed to be under the guise of the Maumau movement that paved the way for the liberation of Kenya. This twisted lie has been affirmed by the arising deaths from the occultist machete-wielding fans of the recording entity.

 

Maina Njenga was one of the initial artists on the roster of Mungix Records. This artist turned record mogul was responsible for hundreds of deaths in and around the city of Nairobi. During 2002/3, he claimed to be associated with Honorable MPs such as Uhuru Kenyatta, the current Official Leader of Kenyan Opposition. Since then Uhuru has distanced himself from the recording company but the dark curse has tailed him and even at present he is struggling to maintain his position as the opposition chief. Maina Njenga was eventually caught up in his web of militia and sent to jail. This gave room for our subject to pop up and take over after years of living under his shadow.

 

In the year 2005, Ndura Waruinge rose from the ashes of tobacco snuffing. Unlike his followers, he never had the time to grow dreadlocks. He was instead plotting world domination. His speeches were more like ‘I will axe you to death’ than ‘I will stop you from earning a livelihood’. He was more bull’s eye oriented and never liked beating around the Mt. Kenya bush. This quickly put him in the mwananchi’s eye. He became the perfect caricature of a gangsta rapper. Most Kenyan artists at this time were claiming to be G’s e.g Kantai who tied a tie but decided to wear a white T-shirt and a pair of khakis, Prezzo (R.I.P Feroz, Nazizi’s brother) and even Jerry Joe (Yeah, whatever). However, none of them could ever hog the spotlight from Ndura who had dodged bullets, flipped riot police and controlled matatu termini like the mafia.

 

 In time, the law caught up with him but he pulled off a Mason Betha (Mase) and Robert Kelly (R-Kelly) in one, he got saved. In a much-publicized baptism, he acknowledged the Christ as his savior. He got on so well that the Holy Spirit bore an entrepreneurial spirit within him and he founded a church.   It was while he did this that the former mogul Maina Njenga’s purported home was searched and various weapons, drugs and money were found.

 

Gangsta’s don’t cry (Jay-Z ‘Song Cry’) or dance (Fat Joe ‘Lean Back’) thus Ndura did not mourn but saw this as an opportunity to finally grab a hold of the title CEO/Owner of Mungix Records. Instead of distancing himself from the falling giant and leading his flock, he became a King of the Dreaded (Dreadlocked). This should not be confused with the Rastafarian culture.

 

A sparkling political entrepreneur in the name of Raila was suddenly a target. His music business was not enough after all a gangster rapper is supposed to ‘stay real’. He wanted to turn the country into one big ‘hustle’. This would be the worst mistake of his life. Besides being sidelined by the government, the opposition was tired of his lyrics. ‘Dawa ya moto ni moto’ was the phrase that would lead to his downfall. He had just threatened Raila that he was willing to settle it violently in the streets and this lead to the unfortunate deaths of three people. He was put behind bars and informed that during the Christmas period, he shall preach to the prisoners (Perhaps Milango ya gereza itafunguka). This was done despite his pleas that he should walk free and once again shepherd (or should it be ‘wolfpack’) his flock from the outside.

 

Will he rise straight out of jail and release a classic double album like 2Pac? Maybe not, no one wants him to see the daylight, unlike Pac or Lil’ Kim. He is even not down with his clergymen. He has gone through the cycle of a real Gangsta rapper; from Gangster to Pastor to Gangster to Prisonster. What next for Mungix Records?

 

——The above is dedicated to the 18year old girl who died from a reckless police shooting and the three who died in Kibera. It is unfortunate that the bad guys sometimes come on top. It is my hope and prayer that everyone will find space in their heart to think of saving a soul this Holiday Season—–

 

 

  The Unsweetness of Christmas!

The rise in the price of sugar in Kenya is slowly sucking the sweetness out of this festive time. The sugar cane producers and manufacturers are blaming distributors. The government is in agreement but the Professor-wannabes at Bugzzalot have their own theories.

• Since Mumias Sugar Company controls over 50% of the market, they might be deliberately involved in a conspiracy to hoard the necessity in order to fund their IPO. If the IPO is under subscribed, they will have to source funds to buy back the ‘hanging’ shares that were on offer. This also implicates the government and other sugar companies who might just want to be in for the ride.

Or

• There is a lack of demand for the shares due to the obvious high pricing and maybe since all the extra cash being spent on buying the rare commodity, which has experienced a 50% price increase per packet, is holding back the cash needed to buy the shares!

  

Celtel genius: Best of both worlds

The geniuses at Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches Lab have been wondering about the new Celtel mobile network’s Uhuru Tarriffs. To switch to Uhuru (Umoja) Tariff one types in *123*1# and to switch to Uhuru (Jamii) tariff is *123*2#. What if one can inter-switch in between these two to take advantage of both? This means that during peak time one uses Umoja at KSh. 16 per minute and at off-peak one switches to Jamii at KSh.12 per minute.

Umoja is 16 flat at all times to nay network while Jamii is 24 at peak and 12 off-peak and holidays.  Kudos to Celtel for at least not copying Safaricom this time. The Zindua win-a-car promotion is just a knockoff of Safaricom’s Nguruma.

 

Despite this, Safaricom is as innovative as ever, at KSh.10 per minute during the Christmas-New Year season, I will not switch to Celtel yet. The CEO, Michael Joseph, also promised a reduction in call costs sometime next year. Bugzzalot assumes that this is the test run.

  

Branded Music Videos

Its time that Kenyans borrowed a leaf from the music industry of the West! Most good music vidz are hard to make but if an entrepreneur can approach a corporate organization with a deal to market their products in music vidz, we could see even better standards of vidz in Kenya. The downside of this is that the biz entity will control the song’s lyrics and clip content to a certain extent thus limiting the singer’s artistry but am sure someone smewhere can work through this.

      

 

The whisper of the soft wind brings with it the comforting spirit of the night. It slithers over the hairs of my skin with an icy caress. I wrap my soul in it. Within minutes, I forget that the sun had scorched my body all day long as I took route 11 or my aching fingertips from tapping away at the keyboard. The red tiles that I am sitting on have been pelted with rain and sun baked for long enough to halt the possibility of color rubbing off on my clothes.

 

It takes no effort to see past the concrete village at this height. My eyes become fixed on a winding worm of tiny yellow pairs of light. Each ripple of the worm chimes in rhythm with the slowing body clock controlling my mind. Time begins to loose its meaning. I turn to my right on the path leading to my home and capture the minute silhouette of a young mother with a bag of what seems to be groceries. On the other arm, she presses a small handbag against her side. Two dark figures ahead of her throw their arms in the air wildly. I can almost tell what they are saying in their lively sign-languaged chat. The day is slowing down to curtain-raise the weekend. The path of the lively duo and young mother will probably head to a forked end.

 

With the mood set, I stare at the sky. She has a dull gray complexion and hazy starry eyes. Is it the eyes that are curiously in motion or her furry clouds? The glory of Orion The Hunter is hidden behind her fur. The lazy lady is strangely comforting and her understanding of nature re-assures me that my will to succeed in a world full of deceit is a worthy quest. In the neighborhood across the border, drawn by a main road that is always buzzing, I remember the number of times I hurt a lady… there’s no moon, no need for romance.

 

The image of a new beginning is mirrored in my soul. The avionic aura of the roof electrifies every inch of my being. It will not let me inhale the dust of the street, hear the interfering waves of human rumblings or the clanking of crockery from dinner tables from the floors below. I blend in with the winds as I monologue with TV aerials sticking out of the tiles. These matchstick men prove to be good company. They stand still along with my paused internal tick. This is what silence before the final judgment must be like- an ironically peaceful wait to either elevation or damnation. This is what this holiday is all about, being at peace with yourself and thinking of others even when in conflict. The Christ did it everyday but to me it’s a struggle…

 

Dear Linda,

 

I remember the first time that we kissed. Though my very first one as a teen was a messy affair, I discovered a different form of bliss with you as you sang ‘Lady Marmalade’. It wasn’t just your voice but the classic style and passionate twist that you added to it. I was left wondering why they hadn’t noticed you before. Within no time, your name was on everybody’s mouth. Our secret love affair had ended. You remained faithful in the midst all the pomp and show in your new queenly status. Although there were tough times when you almost lost your voice towards the end of our relationship, you still whispered to me from the deepest parts of your soul.

 

In the beginning, most of our detractors spread rumors to break our love but our combination was lethal enough to shoot them down. We were voted as the best couple on several occasions. The Brangelina or Bennifer duos could not match up to our levels of young distraction. Your Marmalade performance is still vivid in my mind. You wore a simple black body hugging dress that was patterned to accentuate your beautiful curves. Your eyes shone with the strength of a child learning her first steps. You moved with the gentle power of a sea breeze and emanated a sweet saltiness that boiled in my veins.

 

Renee dared to cross your path but you handled it bravely and later went on to reconcile with her. Even Ian could not extinguish the flame that you lit in your live performances. You had previously told me that you had been a straight talker with a bad attitude. During your stay with me, I saw your directness but you skewed from the bad attitude that you had before we met. It was a sign of growth that made me want to change.

 

In time, they tried and tested you and you left them by them wayside. Our love was being moulded on a strong frame and I promised to prop your dreams until they came to reality. The final hour came, dripping sand cautiously through the mystic neck of the hourglass. Alvan, Valerie and Cedric tore through with the best of the best. Alvan gave you a run for your money and Valerie emerged from her cherry tinged shadows to grab the spotlight but you still broke off the pack. Everyone knew that you had it. I was so confident that my support seemed unnecessary. I embraced your victory as my dream and failed to support you thus forgetting that it was you who lived it. I may blame Pricewaterhouse Cooper’s tally or Gallo Record’s want for a controllable candidate but it’s no use. I know sorry won’t be enough for not actually voting.

 

As controversial as the ending was, you celebrated with Valerie. I still cannot believe that after everyone’s support previously, it flipped on us. But you were strong and said it’s not your last. Even though we broke up, you promised to be back again, maybe not as lovers but as friends. You’ll always have that special piece of me I am ready to do more now.

Pick Up Lines For Project Fame Divas

Since most of the Kenyan Project Fame divas are now free to roam, men will be on the prowl with these lines:

For Valerie

“If you were on top of a flagpole you would be the world’s biggest lollipop coz you’re so sweet”

 

For Christine

“You must be the pin-up girl for the skin lotion coz you’re so Dark’n’Lovely”

 

For Linda

“I wouldn’t mind having a windowless bachelor pad in Umoja Estate because your eyes will be the windows to both of our souls”

 

For Renee

“I remember that there was a blackout just after you sang on one of the Sunday Shows. It took me a while to notice coz your smile had lit up the room with enough brightness for the following two hours.”

-

  Dis of the Week

“You are so short that when you use an elevator to a building’s top floor you still remain on the ground floor (or you’d end up at the basement).”-Bugzzalot

-

 

ITS SAFE NOW, NO MORE PLAYGROUNDS.

I have a biz idea- Get rid of all the playgrounds and put up buildings. It’s easy since its already being done and this is why my idea will work:

• We can assume that all the kids are playing on PS1/2.
• Road reserves are more important than letting my kid explore the world. How else will they know we have a 5.8% growth if we don’t build?
• Making wire framed cars is messy; let the kids be reckless when they own a matatu.
• “Daddy I want a new toy,” the kid tells me. I hand him my laptop or send him to a cyber spot, “Go look for an Internet pal or play Doom on cyberspace.” I say this ignoring the fact that there is the possibility of my neglected kid ending up in a chat room at the speed of more than 200 pedophiles an hour.
• Hunting of birds using slings and feyas is dangerous. Environmentalists will be on you like soccer on Raila’s speeches.
• Running hundred meter dashes is unsafe; all the estate roads have cars, mkokotenis and hawker stalls.
• Kids cannot longer jump from trees and break their legs on soft ground padded with grass. We have built flats next to electric poles to stop this and put concrete and metal railings on the verandahs.
• Most bars have schools on top so why bother with a playground when enough noise will be heard from the bars to keep them busy.
• Schools turn into churches in the evenings and on Sundays and we can only handle so much noise between worship and school time.
• Hooray for Cartoon Network! There is so much dark humored conversation that on top of my kid learning to speak and become intelligent, they’ll learn to tease the geek in class without laying a finger on him. There is no Road Runner and Coyote with silly inventions,
  Sesame Street is just uncool, Donald Duck is a duck who screeches instead of talking. My kid would rather watch Cow and Chicken puking, roasting on a roof or the cow sucking her own udder.

 

I think they’ll be well occupied.

-

   OBSERVATIONSNeedles for drugs

The controversial needle exchange program at the Coast where a Rehab center provides clean unused needles to drug user’s should be supported not only because it prevents the spread of the HIV/AIDS virus but also the center’s workers will gain contact with the addicts. They can use this opportunity to try to draw them towards the rehabilitation program.

 

Tumechill?

In 2005, it is said Kenyans used 120million condoms. Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches lab did some simple calculations and assumed since there are approximately 30 million Kenyans, 21 million of whom are youth and 365 days in a year. 328,767 condoms are used per day thus Kenyans wengi wamechill. But also dividing 120m by 20m we can assume each Kenyan used 6 condoms for the whole year. Even taking into account other less popular contraceptives, people don’t do the nasty as much as they claim to!

 

 Look alikes

Nicole of Pussycat Dolls and Cassie of Bad Boy Records have a striking resemblance.

 

   Survivor Africa

Why did the winner of this Reality Show only get 100,000 US dollars while in other series involving the Wests the reward is 1,000,000 US dollars?

-

     A WEEKEND IN THE EAST AMID THE WEST 

Last weekend, I was escorting a friend of mine to visit a Chinese herbalist in Nairobi’s Westlands. Yes, we are growing tired of conventional meds. President Kibaki is our role model. After all, he is seeking more help from the orient to aid in our infrastructure reconstruction. His Excellency is also known to be one, if not the only, President to turn down a salary increase. This was after naming various Washenzis and Mpumbafus the previous week.  Maybe he is reforming for the better!

 

Anyway, the China Medicine man was highly recommended by a friend who had become a few years younger after re-growing hair on his baldhead using a liquid from the herbalist. The place is known as the Oriental Herbal Clinic, if I remember correctly. It’s next to the Sarit Center (City within a City) but slightly hidden so one will have to ask for directions to reach it.

 

Once you get in, you’ll notice that it’s a separate building within a diplomat’s home. There is a beautiful welcoming lawn and as you get in. An attendant even offers you herbal tea. It has a woody taste (not that I’ve eaten wood) but strangely lives one totally refreshed. There are three nurses at your disposal and a pharmacist. All these were Kenyans. It’s only the doc who is Chinese. The reception is filled with his relevant accreditations including pictures with various famous dignitaries (it wasn’t forgery from Photoshop). The consultancy fee is KSh.500 although since my ‘young’ friend knew his problem and remedy he was urged to go directly to the pharmacist. I was impressed, no queue, no bribes just good service at a low fee. And the damn liquid, which is called Yahya, began working in just a few days with no side (or central) effects.

 

The good vibe from the herbalist center gave us the psyche to head to Sarit Center to get a glimpse of The 3^rd Annual Kenya Music Week and also the Games Arcade. It had been years since I was in this shopper’s delight fun zone. As soon as we entered the reception, we were handed a guide to the various stands. We never bothered to use it, we just looked for the most attractive stands and weaved in. Eric Wanaina’s attracted us because they were issuing free tapes of two of his singles ‘Ukweli’ and ‘Kenya Only’ (Am a cheap peni mbili youth). Most of the stands where we expected action were idle e.g. Pulse, CapitalFM, HomeBoyz. The Beat Factory stand according to me was the best set-up. It had a lot of studio equipment for the music enthusiast and speakers of my size. Then there was mwafrika.com that I thought belonged to Mwafrika the Hip Hop M.C only to see gospel paraphernalia (someone has not registered their stage name). I loved thee website despite this small setback. They also had a good stock of Christian albums and beautiful women to fly you through the narrow path.

 

Essentially, we were looking for the official Ukoo Flani Mau Mau stand. It wasn’t on location but we found a small exhibition of their albums and branded Ukoo Flani cigarette lighters. As I’ve stated before, I was eager to get my hands on the ‘Dandora Burning’ album and we didn’t hesitate once we saw it at only 4 soc. We also bought 2 lighters (Put yo’ lighters up!) although I don’t smoke the cancer stick. The album did not disappoint, it’s a true hip-hop head’s treasure. It has a more refined sound than the group’s previous effort, ‘Kilio Cha Haki’. From this stand I was pulled to the Underground Zone stand because of the T-Shirts that caught my eye. They weren’t the conventional cut-paste, record label, rip off types that were in most other displays. I literally dragged my pal towards them. Each T-Shirt had a multi-colored graffiti painted face of a celeb from Pac to BIG to Dedan Kimathi etc. The jamaa in charge also said that he could personalize it to one’s specifications including painting one’s very own image (check out Nonini’s T-Sho in the ‘Si Lazima’ video clip). They were good…real good. They sold for KSh. 1000 although he was open to negotiation. If I had the 1K, I would have got one without bargaining. Did I say they were damn good?

 

What would make the music week better is if the artists actually had a place where one can listen to a sample of their music. Some of them are not well known and stage performances don’t take place 24/7. It only takes a CD player, headphones and a few recorded songs (whether they are complete or not) to get a new fan. If that’s not possible then the guy must be available at all times for a live performance at his own stand!

-

  

 

I apologize for:

• Predicting that Tina would be out of Tusker Project fame correctly.
•  Saying that Cedric might be bundled out this week along with the new victim Renee, who is PMSing too much about being on probation. Christine will only be saved by the teachers (Can’t believe that she is from the Coast and still can’t open up to the audience. I agree with Alvan on this). The sweet Valerie will be saved by the contestants and Linda (my love) by the TV audience.
• All the contestants especially Cedric having to be taken through dining etiquette lessons from Regina Re. It was clear that Ced was growing impatient after each “Hold your fork and knife the continental way” and “To show that you are through with your meal put your fork and spoon in the 10 / 4 position” uttered by Re. We’re in Africa and hands are the best mode of eating!
• The squeaky van that the probationists used this week to go to CapitalFM and EasyFM.
• Alvan who is going to be the only male among the best last. And instead of doing what all males would do, he is already snapping his fingers and saying freaky female stuff like “Girrrl!”

 
  

 

 

 

Theory Of Insider Loans
 

In this era of stock share growth, it is eyebrow raising that NBK gives us lessons on how NOT to issue dividends. The National Bank of Kenya is one of the largest banks in our country but has made a habit of not giving dividends. The bankers have never pleased their shareholders for almost a decade despite registering profits for the past few years (I’m sure that they are breaking a record somewhere). At one time, the government bailed them out of deepening debts but still NO DIVIDENDS. Bugzzalot Amateur Business School (BABS) has been on the grind to find out exactly why.

 

This school informed me that it followed the money trail. It never fails to reveal umbrella-shady personalities e.g. Dr.Chris Murungaru. Financial reports for this banking institution are open for all to see. It was discovered that for the past 3 years their loan structures have been very ‘unique’ in contrast to other progressive banks that have announced colossal profit margins in the recent past and issued dividends. Equity Bank, KCB, Standard Chartered etc have invested heavily in sound loan procedures. There’s even the Diva account from the latter to ensure our beautiful Kenyan ladies get an equal share of the entrepreneurial cake. The idea is good but their interest on loans taken by the ‘divas’ is still slightly higher than most banks. On the up-side, I learnt that banks are more open to giving loans to married women than to singles so the diva provides a better opportunity. The other perks in the diva-pink accounts hopefully cover for this otherwise, sioni Mama Shamba akijiita diva. Back to the matter at hand, these loans are geared towards the common person. NBK on the(my) other hand has specialized on insider loans.

 

What are insider loans? The professor wanna-bes at BABS enlightened me that they are the loans that are given to the bank’s directors and other staff. On a pragmatic note, we all know that when we lend our relatives money it will most likely turn into a bad debt but we still do so. Imagine the bank as the family thus if insider loans are not well managed, the ‘family’ will incur heavy losses.  BABS noticed that insider loans of NBK are almost 7 times the loans to the customers after scrutinizing the Balance Sheets and Profit & Loss Accounts. In the more profitable banks that add value to the shareholder by issuing dividends, the customers get more loans than the insiders. 

 

BABS clawed deeper and found more dirt. One of the directors of the banks is an F C S Atwoli. Could it be Francis Atwoli (Secretary General of COTU)? One of the school’s prof wanna-bes’ had watched a My Day With You clip from KTN Prime News highlighting how the loud-mouthed general spends his day. The student alleged that Atwoli showed a low-income home that he lives in but really had a big mansion on a hill somewhere in Central Rift Valley. This might just have been a hallucination but it is enough of a reason to question his credibility. If he can dupe guys on a national broadcaster then…

 

The basis of banking is to make profitable investments and in the expanding Kenyan economy most banks are only getting substantial gains after investing in customer projects through loans. We have decided to ignore the hefty fees/levies charged by some of these banks!

 

 

Getting loans: A new concept

It’s been around for a while but is currently experiencing an upsurge of customer numbers. The banking system based on the Muslim Sharia Law is gaining ground quickly. In the Middle East, it is very popular and even non-Muslims are opening accounts. BABS found out that its based on the facts that:

·        It does not charge interest

·        One cannot invest in businesses that fund pork or alcohol i.e. Haram (which I think the Swahili word Haramu came from).

 

Everybody in Kenya is now seeking some form of loan either to improve his or her ‘bling’ power or invest in a biz (Nobody wants to use route 11 forever). What attracted us to this account was the no loan interest principle. It’s a sweet deal by any standards. It means that when one want to take a loan on a car, the bank will buy the car at a profit and one will repay it in instalments without any interest charged. Yeah, now you are interested! The core advantage is that changes in interest rates and will not affect you. You’ll always pay a fixed amount that will never vary.

 

 But banks will be banks, it was realized that some of the witty financiers actually buy the item and give you as much as three times in value. So its like a modern form of Hire Purchase scheme!

 

We decided to go to Kenya Commercial Bank, which has been at the forefront of marketing this form of account in the name of Amanah Account.  The attendant at the bank informed us that the account had not begun offering loans. What the heck were they marketing it for then? The lady said that they are still in the process of collecting new customer deposits for the account. After that they would begin offering loans at a time that they are not sure about. In other words, they will initially just make money from the customers since they do not give any interest earned on the deposits.

 

The concept of this form of account is cool but KCB is executing it quite unprofessionally despite its nationwide customer base. Is there anyone who can enlighten bloggers about this out there? Halloooooo!

  

· How come I’ve only seen Peninah Karibe (The weather girl) in one skirt since she began predicting the condition of Kenyan skies on NTV at 9 news? It’s been more than a year. · These guys shouldn’t have ‘stolen’ the airing of Champion’s League football from KBC. Now I can only watch one match at a time. When KBC aired it I could watch either of two matches since each was aired in Channel 1 or Metro TV. I would have loved to check out Barcelona play instead of Chelsea last Tuesday.

 

There are several  X-men and this time it’s not about the rising Kenyan oil prices like the last time that Bugzzalot bugged the offices. We’ve been snooping around (Githongo mode) and were recently at a King’s palace. This is how it went down:

 

X1: E…Ehh. So how has it been since you toog over?

X2: Hao waliniwacha. Eti now they have formed a different alliance.

 

X1: You know I had almost the same broplem 9 years ago

X2: What do you suggest I do with the mpumbafus.

 X1: Divide and gonguer. Hii mambo ni rahiziX2: Sasa (licks his lips) tutafanya nini kwa sababu hata Malkia alishindwa. 

X1: Nigo na my right hand man who’s totally a man.

X2: I had to cut off my right hand for a while but they will be back.

 

X1: Don’t worry you can use my guy.

X2: (Excited and after several lip licks) That’s what I like to hear.

 

X1: We’ll regisder my right hand sinze he has peen struggling to rule the obbosing armies.

X2: That’s why they call you POPs…The Professor of Politics.

 

X1: Charlie JoJoo anataka pia kuwasidia. I saw a movie with my daughter called Charlie’s Angels. Those three should be Odinka, Galonzo and the young poy known as Kachoga…. Ha Ha Ha Hee!

X2: Ha Ha Ha ha Ha Ha Haaa Hee!

 

X1: My young poy is trying to disresbect me. Well I’ll teach him a few more lessons.

X2: Yeah, Professor. Wapumbafu wote.

 

 

 OH…CLOEY

This recording was too depressing so Bugzzalot managed to hook up a date with the feisty computer whiz Cloey of 24 series at a prestigious 5-moon kibanda.

 

Bugzzalot: Hi

Cloey: Hi (looking uncomfortable) Can’t you pull out a….a chair.. I mean a bench for me.

 

(I rush to do so)

Cloey(C): Stop no need. You already lost the opportunity.

Bugzzalot(B): No, I don’t think so. A date with you is the opportunity of a lifetime.

 

C: (Blushes but quickly gives me the dagger eyes) What’s with the service here? Couldn’t you find a restaurant that can actually be tracked by satellite?

B: Ah… can you do that?

 

C: You are hopeless. This is what I do in my sleep. (Removing a laptop from her mini-briefcase and hooking it up to the Internet wirelessly)

B: I’m sorry that you’re disappointed but this is all I could afford.

 

C: Apology accepted but I think you are very cheap.

B: And you are very expensive walking around with the Internet only a laptap away.

 

C: Do you do anything apart from irritating ears? (She says while tapping away at her keyboard)

B: I’m a blogger.

 

C: I’ve killed a man and hacked into…. Well, you’re not given access to that information. So blogging is pretty dumb.

B: (Silence)

 

C: You know talking is required at a date.

B: Hmm… I’m sorry but you don’t make it any easier (She seems not to hear this).

 

C: I’ve tracked down a good restaurant here but I think I’ll go alone.

B: I love what you do (I try to salvage a breaking date).

 

C: I also do but I don’t go bragging about it. Can we change the subject?

B: Ummm…you know I think you can help me hack into the Kenyan State House network to see how politicians really think. I need more hits for my blog.

 

C: I already did. I was looking for…that’s classified. Some of them just play stupid. You should just drive me to the restaurant I want.

B: I don’t have a D.L.

(Just then, her cell phone rings)

 

C: Sorry. It’s Jack. You need to leave.

B: Me it’s supposed to be you. Si you have a restaurant to go to.

(Her hands extend menacingly towards me and she bangs my head on the table. The next thing I remember is being woken up by the kibanda manager. She shows me a note that Cloey left-“I did not enjoy our date but you can track me via satellite if you want me to hack into a worthwhile system like the Pentagon”. Of course I don’t know how to do this but I’ll learn!)

     

 

White and Nerdy

The remix to Chamillionaires ‘Ridin dirty’ is out through an unconventional artist named Weird Al Yankovic (He’s white, what do you expect?).  The remix is weird to say the least and is aptly titled ‘White and Nerdy’.

This nerd is proud of his geeky nature dropping lines such as:

‘I can write in Braille’

‘Have no grills but my braces are shiny’

‘I’ve got my name on my underwear’

‘My rims don’t spin on the contrary they are quite stationary’

 

It’s the funniest song I’ve listened to in a while. Yankovic rocks!

 

 

Papoose: Next In Line after Jay and 50?

I recently got a mixtape of the U.S rapper known as Papoose. If you don’t know him better watch out. He spit fire in the remix of ‘Touch It’ by Busta Rhymes calling out Brooklyn, New York represented by a tattoo on his mid-finger. His mix tape does not fail to amaze. I listened to thirty of his underground songs and marveled at the audacity of this Brooklyn representin’ M.C. He can be conscious like common in a song that comforts Hurricane Katrina victims or snake tongued in verses that dis most of the glorified mainstream US rappers. He has even done a video featuring Talib Kweli and Jadakiss in praise of New York, which is still fighting for airspace amid the strong Dirty South onslaught.

Papoose is under the wing of DJ Kay Slay whose mixtapes are responsible for starting rap battles that usually escalate to beefs. This is why he is known as the Drama King. There’s a song where Papoose is given each letter of the alphabet and he rhymes with words beginning with the particular letter. All his sentences make sense while he does so.

I believe Papoose will be very influential if he cuts through the mainstream with a hard flow.

  The Game

‘The Doctor’s Advocate’ was one of the highly amped rap albums this year. Everyone wanted to know whether The Game can pull off another classic from the bloody bag of pulling out of G-Unit. His previous multi-platinum effort ‘The Documentary’ had got the Hip Hop heads talking about the West Coast Gangsta Rap again. His second coming is almost as good but more hardhitting thus sounding less commercial although it sold 400,000 copies in its opening week.it was also heavily bootlegged. I had listened to 90% of the album from the Internet just before its release. He even sounds like an iller, realer Dr. Dre in some of the songs. There is a remix of his promo single ‘One Blood’ with contributions from Jadakiss, Fat Joe and a host of others to make the 10minute long track. There is also another 9-minute inspirational track with Nas and club banger ‘Let’s Ride’. Other highlights include a song featuring Busta Rhymes done in a similar fashion as Start from Scratch from his debut album. Here, he raps in a hoarse drunken stupor showing how he has been isolated from Dr. Dre who did not produce any track in the album. He then laments about most of his friends who are expecting too much from his wealthy pockets in another song.

 

His pain is obvious throughout the album, which makes it a worthwhile listen. He proves that he is still miles ahead of most other rappers. Despite the absence of Dr. Dre, the album has great production credits including Just Blaze, Will.I.am of Black Eyed Peas and Scot Storch, Kanye West, Timbaland, which keeps you bobbing your head. Snoop, Xzibit and NateDogg feature prominently in the album showing The Game’s maturity in calling for the unity of the west coast gangsta entities.  The only let down in the album is in some of the tracks where he brags too much as the King of L.A. otherwise, ‘The Doctor’s Advocate’ is a good advance from The Documentary where he had the legendary Dr. Dre on production and Eminem & 50Cent by his side. It proves Niggas are hard to kill on the Westside block paraphrasing 2Pac’s immortal scrolls.