I was recently requested by a pal of mine to donate blood. This was to aid his injured relative who had lost a lot of blood in a life-threatening incident. Although I did not have the required blood type, the hospital provided for an ‘exchange program’ for blood. This means that I could donate my kapint of then it will go to the blood treasury (sawa basi…bank) and replace the blood type for the one needed by the patient.

I promptly arrived at the hospital to drain my blood. I feared the threat of a Dracula lurking in the dark but the nurse assured me that it was daytime and if their was any threat, then she would be in on it so that later she could hand over the kapint to her master ha ha haaaa. The last time that I had donated a kapint for the dracula’s keg, I was in high school.

Let me retrace my footsteps just for you. I arrived at Nairobi Hospital using a Citi Hoppa bus. Except for the signs, one might think that one is entering a 5-star hotel. The entrance and parking area are spotless and filled with luxury cars. Prados, Benzes, Lexus, Bimas are just a few of the blings that I saw soon as I hopped out of the Citi Hoppa. That’s why all the Kenyan top brass (or should it be diamond) who get sick are admitted here. I asked for directions from one of the askaris otherwise known as security chiefs. He directed me to the draculas den. I got past the glass door entrance and went down a ramp.

 I got into the blood donors’ room referred to as dracula’s den. It actually is at the basement to add to my fears. This was the point where the nurse assured me that there was no evil entity. It was lunch hour and she advised me to eat before I unleashed the very intimate parts of my vein to her. I think that she suggested the idea more out of her need to take a lunch break and eat her snack. I didn’t mind her because it is always a requirement to eat before donating blood. As I went out to buy fruit salad from one of the many stalls located outside the hospital gates, I remembered that there is a regulation that one must be above 50kg to give out blood i.e. no ‘diskettes’ allowed. What if you were 50kg before eating and become 51kg after? In campus we used to refer to paper-thin chics as ‘diskettes’. We all know computer diskettes are becoming obsolete. ‘Diskettes’ in the modeling world are also beginning scoffed at with Paris presently establishing weight minimums for catwalk queens. That’s why I admire my big boned African Queen.

Anyway, when I got back into the den, there was another fly mamaa also waiting to fall under the dracula’s spell. At least I wouldn’t be alone but my shy side got the better of me. We were in the waiting room and I went in first (ladies first, men before- its 2006!). I was given a blue form to fill. Among other things, I wrote down my HIV status, allergies and other serious ailments I have ever got. The room had four lean back beds (or whatever they are called) lined up at the furthest end from the door. There was also a separate sector with a sheet around it. I never queried what it was for but I guess it’s for guys who have the ‘donating’ vein in the butt instead of the arm (truth is stranger than fiction).

I finally lay on the lean back bed and the nurse started the search for my vein. She first tied the pressure pad on my BIG bicep (its true!). I started pumping my hand and soon Mr.Vein decided to show himself. The nurse opened a fresh pack of blood donor instruments. It definitely has to be so fresh, so clean and so new to prevent contamination.

“Aaaaah!” It was the thickest needle I have ever seen. I almost cried for my mummy. She mocked my poor kavein into showing itself despite its desire to hide then skillfully prodded in. It was not as painful as I had imagined. Blood streamed through the needle into the kapint collection bag. It was beautiful! My hand crunched onto a soft small bag as I pumped away my blood.

The fly mamaa prepared herself for the Dracula spell on the bed next to me. Unfortunately, when the vein was pricked the nurse missed the target and blood begun spilling all over the place. The mamaa panicked as I watched the Urban Legend with horror but the nurse quickly but professionally stopped the bleeding and told her to relax as she wiped off the blood on the floor. I imagined MJ singing ‘Blood on the Dance floor’ to keep my mind off my weakening left arm. After a few minutes, she ventured to the right arm. It was during that window of opportunity that I gathered courage to start vibing (Hey, opportunity knocks only once and one man’s meat is another man’s poison). Soon we exchanged niceties as each of us we filled our bag of pint. The Dracula’s keg was going to be full; stupid happy Dracula!?

Looking back, the experience was worth it. I helped to save a life while also confirming my health status in a valid hospital. Once you donate blood they screen for everything and the tests become available in a fortnight. For all those who are curious, I failed the HIV Test…figure it out!

MTV is underrated. I occasionally watch the revered small screen and let it take me to other worlds. I let my mind wander from our old couch with a torn cushion cover to the Pimp My Ride Italian leather lined Djibril Cisse van that was only a drive ago full of rot and rust. U.S rapper Fat Joe is a perfect host as he freestyles while I chill out with the French International footballer in his newly revamped vehicle. I inhale the refreshed leathery scent that reminds me of the hot Mombasa sun on the white sand when I was on a school sponsored holiday. Yep! It’s that fresh. I forgot the xBox lying next to me; there are enough intrigues from Kanye West’s Life and Rhymes concert. I usually hate it when DJs think that a scratch is a beat but the interruptions in the songs are perfectly timed with the rap icon’s spoken lesons on life.

We have a neighbor who thinks that the yells and cries of a kid being smacked is music. My mum warns the hot peppered mother of only serving the purpose of hardening the toddler. Amid all this, I am watching Pink throwing tantrums after Ashton Kutcher Punk’d her. Hmmm! Her curves remind me of the modern Kenyan college girl. How small the world can be? A Barrio’ 19 clip momentarily interrupts the scene. I cheer aloud as rugged teen roller skates through a wall of fire fueled with oil that’s across an isolated tarmac road. Another one blazes through leaving flames on his rollers. He calmly puts them off.

 I time travel to see The Diary of Alicia Keys. I thought she already published it on hard copy but as soon as she gives me a sexy yet coy smile and tells me about her flu I am lost. I can feel her radiant intelligence confined within the four-walled living room of my home as she prepares for the Grammy Awards. I think am about to sneeze before she warmly sings ‘Fallin’ to me.  Round The Way I am taken to Nairobi City 10 years from now. In the subway (okay maybe tram) of the CBD, my eyes fall on a beautiful brown-eyed female figure. I’ve been a bachelor for too long and she has her eyes on me. I hesitate…on finally listening to my drumming heart and following her; I slam my face flat on the closed sliding tram doors.

I regret my tortoise quick reaction but get an MTV Alert on Wyre the lovechild. This Kenyan RnB cat takes me through his daily electric dance routines. Pause, jump, shift, eeih! I feel that’s enough for today. I now need My Very Own J-Lo (better yet My Very Own Nikki, atanipa Hii Ngoma). I love the look-alikes who turned up for the auditions when they rumble and stumble. At least most of them can shake their hips uninhibitedly even with a mini…Dem legs wa wa waaah! Meanwhile, I’m leaning back with my boys exchanging anecdotes about how many wedding rings J-Lo has diamond rocked on her finger.

And the day has not yet begun .

TV Anchors Galore

• Julie Gichuru is losing weight
• Catherine Kasavuli is finally beginning to age after 20 years of remaining at 20 years of age.
• There are mzungu and muhindi reporters in NTV at 9
• Robert Nagila is the new Sherlock Holmes. He partly unraveled the Michuki Raid mystery and was on the scene to cover the recent Tear Gas Massacre at Kamukunji Grounds featuring Hon. Raila and cronies. He even has a British accent.
• KBC Channel 1 now has the flyest TV anchors.
• Ahmed Dharwesh is showing the potential of fitting in Swaleh Mdhoye’s shoes. If only he narrated his grandpa’s stories. Mmmmmmmmmm…
• Mwanaisha Chidzuga’s head needs more space in the small screen.
• Bugzzalot Rats and Roaches (B-Double R) Labs are writing a thesis on Jamila Mohamed’s head. It is developing into a sweet perfect sphere. It’s a proven scientific principle that perfect spheres are only formed in absolute vacuums.

Kenyan Crips and Bloods

Taliban vs. Mungiki is developing into the Bloods vs. Crips of the ganglands of U.S ‘projects’. Soon we’ll see real Kenyan gangsta rappers Mchezo (The Game) and Mbwa Anachungulia (Snoop Dogg).

Like Wify Like Huzzie

Forget the mpumbafu era by President Kibaki, President…oh sorry Mama Lucy (The First Lady) said that opposition party of ODM-Kenya were not properly brought up by their parents in a recent public event.

“ODM hawakulewa vizuri (na wazazi),” she uttered.

It was a fairy tale beginning for the couple but in the end one of them didn’t have the heat required to sustain the fire. Initially, it was the common games that fade the boundaries between friends and lovers. During this time it is very easy for one to want more than friendship. The unfortunate issue rises when only one of the two does not want to break the valuable wall that sets up the foundation of a long-lasting friendship.

This is what led to the fall of Francis, the bad boy of Tusker Project Fame. I liked the guy because he was willing to bend the rules of the academy without flinching. His controversial attitude always kept me entertained but it was eventually his downfall.  He was the only stallion who had to be roped back into the stable after removing the microphone that is supposed to be attached to every competitor of the reality show 24/7(Maybe except during sleep and showers). The principal (Achieng Abura) was quick to play Michuki and warn him of his folly. Later, he casually strolled into the ladies bathroom as if he literally had no balls thereby apparently catching a glimpse of Linda nude (Wow, he should have had a camera!!). Renee his kababy-apparent advised him to apologise but the stallion said that he would have no problem if they saw him naked (Now I could have used ‘nude’ but naked sounds more dirty and suitable for a sight that I would never ever like to see in my capacity as a man). The final cut of the legend came when the guys on probation last week went to visit radio stations and he openly declared that he has no particular lovey-dovey interest in anyone at the house. Renee was allegedly unhappy about this and gave him the ‘silent treatment’ as they went back to the Tusker academy.

During the elimination event on Saturday, the fans redeemed Renee. Her rendition of Angelique Kidjo’s ‘Agollo’ song had been good enough to give her my saving vote. Bugzzalot Brain Experts had earlier implied that so long as the hazy Francis-Renee relationship remained strong then both would survive (check out Tusker Project Soap under Observations). Francis’ unpredictable coldness led to him losing ground as a person. Lets face it, most TV fans don’t vote for talent (which all of the competitors already prove they have) but personality. Francis made it this far based on his personality but he changed his demeanor from that of an entertainer to a rogue stallion and broke his neck. None of the ladies voted to save him but the only 2 jamaas did so. It was a disappointment for me since he was the only guy willing to speak his mind at the whiff of anyone invading his territory.

Bugzzalot Brain Experts further say that Tina will be the next one to be axed. The fans will obviously save Linda (They have to-I mean, am still in love with her!). Paul might just survive another probation despite his poor performance. Then either the judges or the competitors will save the beautiful Nakaaya. This is partially based on keeping the East African flavor of the competition. Tina was performing a Latino dance tune and managed to take the life out of it with only her stone-carved smile. Alvin always holds a blazing performance. His voice has a bittersweet screeching hot vibe that can rouse the dead. I’d like to see him performing a rock themed track. Christine was the only performer who actually tried to sing Spanish in Spanish. All the other performers sang Spanish with a Swahili accent. This talented dark n luvly mamaa is still holding back. She is the greatest competition to Linda who is above par both in diva power and vocal ability.

Bugzzalot Experts predict a hot battle to the end with Alvin, Linda and Christine fighting for supremacy. Linda will most likely outdo the others because of her inexplicably dazzling ability to capture the audience even with a difficult Bob Marley ‘Redemption song’ performance, which she pulled off awesomely. Christine will only snatch the title if she completely loosens up but unfortunately some personalities can never do that.

PS: Gaetano is completely overshadowing his co-host Sheila’s presentation abilities. Is there an attraction or is he just that damn good at his job?

It’s the new craze in town; if you don’t own shares then you are going to die poor! Yes, the Nairobi Stock Exchange (NSE) is thriving like the sale of Flashdisks at River Road. Initial Public Offers (IPO) from companies, which were viewed to be monopolies that ruled their industry with an iron fist, are being rolled out like Toyota cars.

The new kid on the block is the Eveready Batteries East Africa Ltd IPO. It’s not been a thorn and pothole free path for this battery producer. Although it has consistently made a proit for the last 30 years, there have been counterfeits on the market that have stolen its clientele within the past few years. Does Everpower ring a bell? I am guilty of using this cheaper low quality battery. Don’t blame me for needing power for only a short while. Why buy the real expensive item when I can walk to a hawker and get a cheaper version for a TV remote control? The company has been striving to fight their enemies in court but they can only do so much. In developing countries it is better to work with the counterfeits than to fight them. For instance, most of the fakes slithering into the market are AAA size, which Eveready rarely produces. It would be a bright move if they started manufacturing them and sell at a wallet-maintaining price. EABL is doing a similar thing with the cheaper beer brand (Senator Keg) and succeeding greatly in the low-end market.

Eveready also has several claims in court filed against it by its employees. These mainly arose from workers holding the company liable for the ailments caused by the chemicals in the factory but the abridged prospectus indicates that most of these cases are unlikely to succeed. The company has tried to maintain environmental standards by regularly auditing its production procedures under the watch of various environmental agencies. Nevertheless, a company that has an unsatisfied labor force is a major concern.

Personally, buying shares is not important if i cannot trade them over the NSE. This will mean getting a trustworthy stockbroker to manage them. I have plenty of B.Com guys on my side for that and I believe if one follows Business News regularly one can learn a thing or two without ever stepping into a business class. Currently, Sasini Tea shares are rising in value due to the government directive allowing tea to be marketed directly to the consumer instead of using the auction method. Coffee companies will experience a similar upsurge. Athi River Mining Ltd shares have dropped slightly since the recent rains washed part of the Nairobi-Mombasa highway away thus inhibiting transport of cement. Sameer Africa Ltd will gain from the aggressive marketing of its subsidiary YANA tyres. TPS Serena stands to profit the shareholders with its recent expansion to Uganda thus being the only 5 star hotel in Kampala. Car & General will benefit from the phasing out of the 14-seater Nissan matatus from the public transport industry. Orders for the 25-seater Isuzus will start streaming in to boost their sales. Once one has a few of these tips you can direct your stockbroker to trade following the patterns. They will warn you if the hunch is stupid but from these factors I have learnt that you will be correct at least 90% of the time. Even when one is wrong it won’t be a huge loss if you didn’t trade all your shares into one entity.

Quote

“A human being can never reach the epitome. At 21 years watch me! At 31 years watch me! At 41 years watch me! At 51 years watch me!” - Alicia Keys speaking just before she won 5 Grammies for her debut album ‘Songs in A Minor’(2002). I guess she’s living her words.

Key to youthfulness

Recently, I saw Mary Wambui on KTN TV. She definitely looks younger than the way she did before her controversial marriage to Mbugua. Her young 28 year old husband must be the key to her regained youthfulness despite her being past retirement age, so ladies…

10-YEAR THEORY

“Every 10 years or so something happens to either improve a certain field of life or completely rurn it around.”- Bugzzalot Philosopher

Consider the following events:

• In 1982 Kenya underwent a failed attempt to oust former President Moi from power. 10 years later in 1992 Kenya ushered in Multi Party democracy. Then finally in 2002 Moi’s aristocratic rule ended.
• Clinton fell from power in approximately 10years ago. Obama is currently a force to reckon with in the Democrats arena.
• Windows’95 revolutionized software operating systems. Windows Vista is about to take us a step further 10 years on.
• Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey emerged as supervocalists in the late 80s. In the late 90s Christina Aguilera began a humble career to music stardom and vocal prowess. A few years ago she earned millions of dollars after a royal prince requested that she perform before him.
• Snoop Dogg’s 1992 ‘Doggystyle’ album refreshed gangsta rap then in 2003/4 50 Cent returned the controversial form of rap to the helm.
• TV anchors Zhane Verjee and Jeff Koinange were taking local news to international standards and eventually joined CNN. Approximately 10 years later, Lilian Muli and Michael Oyier are on the brink of breaking borders.

Why Kenyan’s are so bright 2

The B Double-R labs have been hard at work from their earlier article to discover why Kenyans always have a high probability of exhaling when they go abroad for further studies. Here are more reasons:

• Kenyans are used to blackouts. You know about the expression/symbol of bulb lighting on top of your head when you have an idea. Well, these blackouts inspire more ideas!
• The number of strikes in Kenyan Public Universities always keeps a student on toes thus when one ‘flies out’ one is alert in class.
• Schools and colleges above bars are common in the city so once one gets to a university abroad, which actually has a lawn, concentration is top notch.

Bugzzalot labs are always on the move. From the Theory of the Missing Gun to the new 10 Year Theory that was uncovered recently. Most bloggers did not agree with the former that staed that Michuki had never been the target. With reference to the previous article please take time to consider the following facts:

• The police haven’t yet found the motive of the alleged Michuki Raid although the Minister claims assassination that I highly doubt. Robert Ouko was assassinated; Tom Mboya was assassinated. These were men of nyadhi (style), integrity and intelligence yaani watu wa nguvu. Michuki falls way below this scale for obvious reasons. Insecurity has spread to the rural areas at lightning speed while his reaction to the Mathare chaos was at snail pace. His diplomacy skills do not help either.
• Investigators have revealed that the thugs, who conducted the raid and killed Chief Arthur Kibe in the process, were linked to a robbery in which 2 Administration Police (AP) Officers were killed while escorting a cash transfer from Equity Bank(Murang’a) to Maragua on October 2nd. KSh 400,000 was stolen. 
• On Oct. 23, one of the gangsters was killed after he refused to reveal where he had stashed the stolen cash. Meanwhile the man’s wife discovered 366,000 in a hole in their home and banked the cash.
• The late Arthur Kibe was working on a related case when he expressed his concern that the case would head nowhere to Michuki. His case involved a missing gun that was supposed to be presented as evidence in a robbery case.
• I will repeat this again: If the thugs wanted to get into Michuki’s Kangema Home they would have. There was only one guard present and the investigators confessed that the attack was very well coordinated. The gang was in police jungle uniform and they only shot the chief and left his son in peace although the son claims to have wrestled with one of the men.
• 10 people have so far been arrested this includes a former michuki bodyguard(an AP) and the Assistant Chief of Murang’a and the wife of the dead man who had the stolen cash. To add more twist to the saga, there is an arrest warrant out for an Army Officer.

The above facts prove that the case is more deeper and twisted than the chief had thought. The filth runs through the provincial administration since APs are rarely murdered without an inside man calling the shots. How did the attackers get police jungle uniforms? The raiders knew that by diverting attention through the attack on Michuki’s home, the twists and turns of the intertwined cases would not be unraveled.

R.I.P Arthur Kibe

It’s a Hit

We’ve all heard of guys who think they are chicken and slaughter themselves in the name of suicide. Well, in this world of pain another innovative method has been discovered, suicide by hammer! Now that’s what I call a hit.

Tusker Project Soap

Although both are on probation, Bugzzalot Brain Experts gamble that Renee and Francis will not be taken out simply because they are in the budding stages of a relationship that people want to follow up. It was sad to see Apondi go. Everybody knows she has a very strong voice but she is so nervous on stage that she always begins on the wrong key when singing.

Look, no hands

Sebastian Loeb is the first Rally World Champion to win a race with no hands. The ace driver did not even compete in the Australian Rally (second last event in the world rallying calendar) due to a broken arm injury that he had sustained in a previous event and still managed to snatch the 2006 title by points.

"Look. No hands!" he should have bragged.

Silly movie titles and proposed sequels

I have previously said that current movies have very silly titles. Check out these new ones

May be they are hoping that the titles are stupid enough to evoke curiosity. I guess its working!

Oops, I forgot

The theme for the recently concluded Stanchart Marathon in Nairobi was "Seeing is Believing". But how many runners knew this and how many remember it is a charity event? In TV interviews all that everyone could talk about was finishing the race, medals, prize money etc. This includes the MD of Stanchart. The marketing strategy did not enlighten anyone on this. It should be promoted with charity in mind.

The Fast and the Furious: Matatu Weave

I’ve started watching movies again after a season series run that has left me with viazi reaction time. Some days back I saw the follow up to Too Fast and too Furious i.e. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It was awe inspiring to see the way you can maneuver a car to go around a curve for virtually days while confined within the narrowest boundaries. It reminded me of matatu drivers with sleek interweaving skills. These artists of menace can transform a two-lane road into a dual carriageway. They can interweave through the pin thin spaces between normal vehicles at full throttle thereby inventing the new film title, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: MATATU WEAVE. If you have seen the Kenstream ad where the red computer mouse swishes by the other regular mice then you have seen the preview!

Wakenya kwa Champions League?

I was watching the Chelsea vs. Barcelona Champions League match when at the beginning I heard fans shouting, "Harambee!" There was an equally surprising response, "Hee."

They must be the guys who won the World Cup 2006 competition on TV with the ultimate prize of attending a great European club match or am I just confused?

On a less controversial note, the referee issued ten yellow cards. Taking into account that he was wearing a yellow T-Shirt, I think he wanted a football team of Yellows including himself.

It does not take the mind of a genius to put together the pieces. It is most likely that the attack on the home was only a decoy to draw out the chief whose house was only a kilometre away. If the thugs wanted to get into the ministers home I’m sure they would (Really, there was only one policeman on duty! The President’s State House compounds have previously been penetrated by passers-by {people with no ill agenda}). The police confirm that there were 37 spent bullet cartridges recovered from the scene. Additionally, investigators said that the attack was well organized and executed from different directions. The minister had said that he used a different route to leave the house since the normal one was under repair. If it were a serious assassination attempt then the well-organized attackers would have known this. 

The police have raised no dust on the case that the chief was apparently concerned about.

It is only the minister who claims a failed attempt on his life and the commissioner issuing conflicting statements. Either the commissioner is bright in initially saying that the attack was not directed at the minister or Michuki is even brighter in letting the attackers think that their decoy was not deduced. The former is possible but the latter hmmm…just judge from the demeanor of politicians and his track record. One question remains - What is it about the missing gun?

A Bugzzalot Criminology Division (ABCD) report…Its as simple as ABCD