Ambition of Wannabe Millionaires

The ongoing reality show Tusker Project Fame is proving to be a twisted affair of names. There are now two Christines’ in the Tusker Project Fame’s music academy. Voting is bound to be a tricky affair. Both of them are Luos so they will have to use their indigenous names or one of them will have to drop her mzungu name in case they are put on probation by the judges.

Presenter Gaetano (former Big Brother Africa contestant) mixed up Regina Re’s name with another one of the music teachers. Having seen Re’s famous presence on TV for the past few years, his mistake simply sounded strange to me. On the other hand, do you remember Alex (check out my album titled ‘Big Brother’s watching’)? What happened to him? He seems to have had no interest in the world of fame after representing Kenya at Big Brother.

Anyway all the guys that I expected to make it to the academy did not, including Kariz. You have to be as nutty as MJ to take a shot at performing one of his tracks but he did it well and did not force his voice unlike last week when he sang a Wyclef Jean track. Muthoni also did not make the cut despite her funky performance of ‘Pink Cadillac’. She also threw in a Subaru phrase to juice it up a little bit which was quite a good off-the- books concept. Alfie tried but I could not bet on him for sure.

Tony, Francis and Cedric qualified. I counted on Cedric going through but Tony and Francis were very shaky with their vocals. Maybe the judges decided to look past the obvious nervousness. According to me Muthoni and Kariz could have easily fitted in Tony’s and Francis’ shoes but that’s just me.

Linda’s ‘Lady Marmalade’ performance was above average. I wonder why she didn’t go through to the first eight. Her vocals captured my heart. I think I’m in love! (Sorry Nakaya even though you looked fwoine in that mini - we could see her underpants kai, kai, kai or should it be kaya kaya kaya!

Quote

“According to parliament this is a very large gathering,” said by a Kenyan MP after only a mere 21 members out of a possible 210 attended a discussion of the all-important Draft National Land Policy.

KANU death

Julius Sunkuli a.k.a Baba xxxx and Nicholas Biwott a.k.a TotalMan are a few of the men leading the campaign against Uhuru Kenyatta (Opposition Leader and KANU Chairman)

And William Ruto (KANU Secretary General). The former two have a parallel new party known as New KANU(pretty original minds?).

As nationalists, Baba xxxx and TotalMan are striving to preserve the strength of the KANU led by former President Moi before the 2002 elections. They are seriously trying to propagate the message that KANU will die if it agrees to join ODM Kenya for the next elections. What they don’t know is that the former giant that crippled our country in the last decade of its rule is virtually dead. Even if the duo manages to disorient the path of the Chairman and SecGen of the official KANU, they would just be putting down an already injured punda as Agwambo would say.

It is with no remorse that I declare that the two are government stooges who want to break up the vision of a younger, progressive KANU leadership. That is why they broke away to divide and confuse and that’s why they are holding a parallel NGC (National Governing Council) meeting ahead of tomorrow’s real KANU NGC meeting. After all, their chances of winning the next General Elections are the same as the probability of the government increasing the striking university lecturers’ salary by the initially requested 600%.

BACK TO THE BASICS

Christina Aguilera is taking us Back to the Basics with her new single and album. She first struck us with a dose of dance in the 20s then there is the crackly old vinyl-style ‘Trouble’ and now she’s ‘Hurt’.  This ballad ropes you in on the strangled life of a kid without a dad. Aguilera sings it out to Whitney Houston’s ‘I will always love you’ perfection level.   It is a must for anyone who appreciates a lady who can hold a song together with her powerful voice only.

CONCENTRATE

‘Oooo maa ronde kyuuu!’ chants an old wrinkled KungFu monk summoning the listener to concentrate. On cue a Japanese drum is hit in the Japman’s dojo. As the drum is hit, students spar with The Matrix-like movements as black full figured hot babes shake their rumps.

This is a sneak peek into Xzibits new music video. It has a heavy bouncy baseline and a killer black and white Japanese theme video. Of course X’s flow is memorable so concentrate, concentrate, concentrate…

HAVE YOU HEARD KENYAN ROCK?

Finally an original Kenyan Rock Band. Apart from my dream of retiring as a multi-millionaire at 40(check out City Boys In The Country, category: Leo Mtaani), my other dream is attending a live concert by a major Rock Band(U2, System of A Down, Evanescence or American Rejects). I just want to see the drummers and guitarists doing their wild flips and churning concoctions of crazy rhythms. The grapevine around town is that we have our own rock band known as Fret Wire. They don’t concentrate on cover versions but write their original music. They also have an album out.

The closest that I have come to a rock concert was at the Extreme Weekends that I used to attend while in High School. There was a Christian Rock band that brought the house down and ever since my dream has been to attend a huge rock concert. For now Fret Wire will do. I read in te papers that they entertain revelers in Karen, Nairobi. If you know exactly where they perform please tell me the following:

·        Which venues they perform and when

·        The price of beer in those venues (I don’t want to by pint at KSh.180 a bottle)

·        Entrance fee, if there is any.

·        And… if the Fret Wire performance deserves the entrance fee and expensive beer

STARLY DIVA

 Nyota ndogo (small star) has been getting more beautiful with each new single that she releases to the market. The latest ‘Watu na Viatu’ is a melodic mix of African instrumentation and excellent vocals by the diva. This comes after her notable hit collabos with Nonini and Mr. Blue(TZ). Soon she will have to change her name to Nyota Kubwa. She rose from the dusty world of a housemaid to being a vocalist that could be mentioned in the same breath as the best Bongo has to offer. The new single shows her ability to appeal both to the young and old. With the right promotion, it might propel her to the international realm.

AMANI: LOVESTORIES FOR TEENS

MWAFRIKA AFIKA

The Kenyan hip-hop freestyle king has finally appeared in a music vid in which he spits a few bars. Together with Muki Garang, these two Kenyan MCs do justice to a track with the same title. It is done in typical hip-hop fashion and highlights the plight of the oppressed. The lyrics scope from political to social issues. Finally I repeat finally…we are heading somewhere in hip-hop after riding on the wave of Ukoo Flani, Doobiez  a.k.a Abbas and Chiwawa. 

The Bugzzalot Brain Experts in the B-Double R labs took time this weekend to study the psychology of Tusker East Africa Project Famers. I had to see this as my experts took a tally and kept tabs of the participants. This was also to see my pals who made it to the hot20 before entering the academy. There is Kariuki Gathitu and Alfie(Alfred). Both of them were at Kenyatta University. Kariz had also taken part in Pop Idols but failed to make the cut.

Once bitten twice shy but this proved not to apply to Kariz who is still in contention for the final four spots available out of the total 12 supposed to fill the training academy. Kariz made a mistake in the choice of the song he performed. KU students unanimously agreed this-sorry Kariz! Singing a note better than Wyclef Jeans’ unique vocals is as hard as immitating Bob Marley’s style, which is the basis of Wyclef’s standard. Alfred’s ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’ rendition was off key and did not suit his voice. Anyway, next week they have the chance to redeem themselves.

The brain experts likened the competitors to the NSE (Nairobi Stock Exchange). It was funny that all of the competing stock companies were issuing threats to each other. Each entity was saying that their shares would gain most profit and dividends to ensure that they buy the Merc and get a recording contract. Under the advice of the experts, I would firstly invest in Christine (EA Cables) of the final 8 who were initially chosen. The dark and lovely Christine gets points for a unique voice and a mature demeanor. I think she packs more dynamite than she lets on. The next in line would be Valerie (KPLC). Valerie has the makings of a pop artist. She has the smile and personality. She is my ultimate girl next door.

Stephen (Eveready) should have made it. He crooned a neo soul tune perfectly but his IPO (Initial Public Offering) is still being held up despite great potential. Paul went through much to my chagrin. He tripped through the ‘Step In the Name of Love’ tune by R Kelly but he still made the cut. He is a company that might fall out like Uchumi.

If you want to be safe invest in Alvin. He is a ladies love judging from the number of chics who screamed after his performance. He represents Nation Media Group although he might be kicked out if he gets too much into himself. You may note that the media group has a new CEO ready to replace the retiring Wilfred Kiboro.

The rest are iffy. There is Linda (yeah, I don’t remember her well also), the bald but beautiful Tanzanian queen known as Nakaya and the sultry alto known as Renee.

Start placing your bets courtesy of Bugzzalot Brain Experts…thank you.  

I cleared high school quite a while back but memories of the green (and sometimes white in case of a leakage) KCSE exam papers came back to my mind this week as the young form four candidates began their exam. What makes this a big deal is that they are following a new syllabus, one in which art and business studies have been side lined. Although I did not know the value of arts back in seco, on my way to self-actualization, I now see its importance. It not only introduces one to new cultures but new ways of thinking. I cannot say that the scientists like Albert Einstein were not creative but the Arts always present a new dimension of thought to humanity.

Imagine having no trained teenage musicians; Kenya will be destined for doom with kapulka hits. The great musicians will always feel out of place in a science class or even business. Most creative minds slump at the back of the class where their thoughts can wander in the complex matrix of the twilight zone. The only way to make a creative mind think in normal terms is by stimulating their senses. If a teacher could use music to teach a musician algebra then the student will breeze through class with straight As. Most purported A-students in music such as the late Aaliyah or the exotically talented Alicia Keys maintained their grades in music school.

An idle mind is not necessarily the devils workshop. Isaac Newton was sitting in the jobless corner when he saw an apple falling and discovered gravity. What was Albert Einstein thinking when he sparked the idea that light has relative speed? He gave birth to the train of thought that if one can move faster than the speed of light you can actually travel through time and space. Nelson Mandela was lounging in prison when he fired up the native South Africans into a major revolution that eventually lead to their independence. The late Boomba music king E-Sir’s ‘Nimefika’ album has skits of his clique in the jobless corner.

The form of idleness I am talking about does not stem from the roots of having absolutely nothing to do. This tree leans more on the fact that one has something to do that is not either a priority to him/her or is boring. Most times I fill up this blog with end products of my idle state. It is truly a beautiful thing. I might be in a student leaders conference and think of writing about the relationship between kids and TVs(check out Observations category). This does not mean that I don’t want to be a leader it just means that the current speaker sucks.

The famed Swahili KTN Leo news anchor Swaleh Mdoye is most loved because of his stories just before newsbreaks. He just starts speaking of his grandpa’s stories just before the break. The form of idleness is not always positive since this led to his subsequent arrest by immigration. Probably, a confused officer in the immigration department just innocently wanted to know more about his grandfather and stumbled upon irregularities in some of his relatives’ papers. I am sure if the same were done for each Kenyan family we would have a backlog of 32 million cases about immigration and citizenry.  Einstein invented the Atomic Bomb, planes fall from the sky and E-Sir passed on while heading for a performance. Wherever they are, they died while living their idle dreams

 Arts should not be abolished or sidelined. It is a source of life changing thoughts.

Watch out for GO ON... BE IDLE(Businessperson's version) coming soon

How blind golf is played

If you would like to volunteer as a Caddy please contact the Australian Blind Golfers Association. "

Lecturers want to make me spend another year in campus. Kwani do they think I want to be a professor in stone throwing? The mood in class is normal so far but as soon as Wednesday reaches students will see ghost workers. These guys aren’t sure whether they will strike or go-slow on the matter like Kiraitu. Neither are they sure whether they need a 600% or 900% increase in salary.

We love our lecturers but who wants to stay in campus their whole lives. Dr.Newton Kulundu (Labor Minister) is not helping in treating the sickness and has declared the planned strike illegal. Meanwhile, I am left wondering whether I should pack or stay put and read for CATs (and RATs). One might get a D or A grade according to a lecturers gambling addictions but a riot/strike is inevitable in Kenyan Public Universities. Friends of mine have passed in subjects that they never attended. Ladies always face the possibility STGs (Sexually Transmitted Grades) from uncouth teachers. These lecturers are also known as one of my lady pals told me. The only thing that is constant in campus is strikes.

Our MPs started these fires and like our Fire Brigades they cannot stand the heat. The moment they got into power, they demanded their own salary increases and quickly voted themselves into instant millionaires. Councilors also wanted a piece of the pie and the rest of the civil servants are following. The whole labour force is out for more of the legal tender.

I am turning my cheek too often because it seems one good slap deserves another! 

Nokia is starting to face stiff compe roho safi from Motorola in Kenya. This is not due to Hellomoto ‘Kikuyu’ voice over on all their ads but the phones are beginning to appear on every bootlegged super series that I watch e.g. 24, The Unit and others. Especially the MotoRAZR model, initially it was the Kiuk voice, then the Chinese guy who has his bathtub cut in half. Now its akina Jack Bauer and President Palmer.

With the advent of Super series in millions, soon, instead of movies with peni mbili titles such as ‘Snakes on a Plane’ (I mean what the heck were the writers thinking!) or ‘The Hills have Eyes’ (The sequel will be ‘Now the hills have whole face’), there will be season big screen tickets showing the latest run of 24 or Prison Break. Ladies will have  Cuando and Secreto season tickets.

I think all the good screenwriters are moving to the super series arena. I have not sat down to watch a conventional movie for a record 6 months. The flip side is that I never even noticed until a few months ago. A friend of mine has three 40GB hard disks just for the storage of super series. Flash disks are becoming diskettes and everyone strives to get one with a large capacity. It’s not strange to come across a 10GB flash disk.

I had a problem with the modern techno savvy TVs in a previous article. Video Tapes should also make a come back. Dealing with them was simple except for the grainy look.

One would just slot it in and press play. No five in one DVDs, no format requested and rarely was there a sound picture mismatch. There’s still a VCR at home that I would love to crank back up to life. The only problem would be the small capacity that it holds but there is LP (Long Play), which could go six hours running. The digital age his forcing us to the couch potato club with bed, breakfast, lunch and supper.

I am not the only one who is striving for some info wise sanity. In Europe, most teenagers are firing up a revolution by purchasing vinyl music LPs. They are breaking away from the fixed route of record execs to the earlier dynamic analog age. This was when real instruments were the in-thing and samples were unheard of. I am a hip-hop head but I love rock because of the instrumentation. Nothing beats the sight of an earthquake-influenced drummer and a string crazed guitarist. The same applies to jazz and other similar acts. Currently, it’s very easy to get music. Present hits last for only a few months while old hits stuck in your head for ages.

. DJ Adrian gets props for maintaining the rare DeeJaying act. Nowadays, all deejays are on CDs. One can even mix with easily available software from the Internet. Using VirtualDJ I can outclass CodeRED. Yap, its true! Soon everybody will attain skills to substitute all these original art forms. You may say that I am hating BUT I AM ONLY STATING. DJ Adrian recently proved that old is gold in a recent CapitalFM DJ battle by scratching the ever-hyped CodeRED to chicken pox-dom.

I want to use my VCR head cleaner again, I want a tape and I want vinyl. I want! I want! I want!