Is it just I or do you find using the Constituency Development Fund (CDF) to compensate the families of the bereaved in the Libra House fire kind of strange? 10 people died and the families have not yet identified a few but Hon Mwenje should not use this as a scheme to ensure that he is yet again the most popular MP in 2007 General Elections. The CDF is meant for development as boldly stated. This might begin a vicious cycle whereby all major tragedies will be CDF compensated thus the government will evade the responsibility of looking after it’s citizens through development.

 MPs know that the CDF currently is a free for all and it’s hard for them to gobble up all the cash alone. Consequently, each and everything can be misappropriated. The government must seek other avenues to compensate these victims. In the Libra case, first and foremost they must push the conviction of the managers and owners of factories who lock in their workers during night shift. Secondly, they should take responsibility of quickly suing the ownership in order to pay the victims’ families. In the incident, even one of the owners was burnt to death.

The bad side of this is the beauracracy of the government thus the case must be fast tracked. Remember the Mtongwe Ferry disaster- some of the victims kin have not yet been compensated almost a decade after the death of some 200 people. Maybe Mwenje is trying to cut through this but I don’t think so…

My quest for new ways to make easy money is still on. This time, its more radical than ever. I need a few volunteers who are fed up with slife to help me. Recently the Ministry of Tourism announced that compensation for victims of wild animal attacks has been increased.

This is a perfect source of money since death will always be a constant unless one walked with God until one was no more as in the case of Enoch in the Bible. It was declared that compensation has been increased to KSh.200,000 for each death. While I think this is peanuts for the Elephant heartbreak caused by the loss of a loved one, it will also result in several claims from the game reserve communities such as the Maasai. After all in Marsabit people are selling their daughters as sex slaves for much less. Hon. Maurice Dzoro was quick to note that the number of claims from the living dead will increase and his cronies had the audacity to joke about it.

Since Ministers are supposed to be our role models, I have taken it upon myself to promote all suicide seekers to come to me. The arrangement will be simple, just go to the wild and hope that a wild animal will attack you. Of course the set back will be the pain caused. A few drugs will take care of that. Getting cocaine or morphine in the streets of Nairobi is like acquiring a stolen cell phone. You just dress casually and some small time thug will approach you with a KSh.3000 phone with camera and Blue Tooth technology. This has happened to me more than once. Getting clients will not be a problem in this dot com era that has people giving their bodies to human cannibals through websites (This already happened in Britain).

As you await the Lion King, we can start an off the books reality show that will consist of bets placed on your chances of dying. The benefits of this will go to the “suicidee” family and me. Needless to say, this is illegal and stomach churning stuff so it will be an easy sell to rich gamblers seeking the ultimate thrill. The chances of you dying will be increased by posting you to the most dangerous address of the game reserve where many have been dying before e especially Narok and Maasai Mara region.

Eventually, I might be caught so this scheme only run for a short time before any whistle blower is on my neck.

RIP to Munyakei the Hero who revealed the Goldenberg Scandal (158 billion Kenyan Shillings was lost in this scam)

Last Saturday I was at a graduation bash that lasted from 5p.m to 4a.m. Kumbe Dirty South siku hizi inahit sana. People were dancing to Lil Jon’s new hit “Snap yo’ Fingers” as if they invented the move. Genge yetu ilionyesha Bidii mpaka asubuhi na bado tuliOgopa kuSinzia till 4a.m at Club Bananas along Thika Road. As I boarded a mathree to head for home, I saw a middle aged woman seated in front of me. I was tired so initially I did not pay much attention to whoever was surrounding me except for the drunk who wass right next to me.

Later, as we arrived at Nairobi’s ngara she alighted. What made me notice her was that when she finally removed all her stuff she had a plastic container which opened accidentally and spilt all the milk it had on the matatu floor. Most probably this was to be the day’s sale to customers who usually prefer fresh farm milk to the Tetrapaks. She did not even flinch but just went on to her stall. It was 5a.m on a Sunday and she was up and ready for biz. On the other hand, I was from a bash and going to sleep. I swear I would have slapped myself if I were not so tired.

Anyway, that is the irony of life. Then the City Council are so quick to chase men and women who are hustling to get by legally in the streets without giving them a suitable alternative.