Tourism is a major revenue earner for Kenya. All the lions, elephants, boulderscapes, lakes and valleys are just but a side dish of what Kenya has to offer. In my quest to present ideas that are simply out of the box and bordering insanity, I will add an item of my own to the list, RIVER ROAD.

Most countries have their major biz street like Wall Street for the U.S. In Kenya, there is River Road. It may not be as high class but it is the center of biz in Nairobi. Whatever you want is available at a minimal price.  Wherever you live, river road is the cheapest.

During the day, a thousand and one people will be located there -at night it turns into a red-light district- the a thousand will be in motels and the one at a bar or vice-versa. Is it electronics you want? Am sure if you look hard enough you might just find the X-Box at the price of 300 American dollars (approx KSh.22000 or less) or i-Pod at half the normal price and you can get them even more cheaply. Trust me as beautiful as my country is, Kenya has one of the highest bootlegging rates in the world. It is placed fourth as far as computer piracy is concerned and that’s based on what the statisticians know!

 The term River Road does not only count the 2-2.4km that the road stretches but also the roads joining it. The major ones include Latema Road, Ronald Ngala Street, Accra road and Racecourse Road. These are just major tributaries to the web of smaller ones.

My clients will be so amazed at the prices that Dubai in the United Arab Emirates(U.A.E) will seem to be a less viable option. Dubai will only beat us because it has no taxes and boasts of 7-Star hotels.

But what can beat the Kenyan bargaining culture???

• First, my tourists will have to dress down -No Gucci, Dolce or Cabana or whatever rappers talk about, just plain old jeans, that free T-Shirt which you got from that promotional event and shoes which a cobbler will deem irrepairable
• Second, if you are white, for all we care you are researchers seeking to collect the filth accumulating in Nairobi River just a few meters away and are working for an NGO. I will explain to them that the City Council officials have just chased you away from your voluntary work and you had to bribe them for not having a clean-up lincense. The seller will understand since he has probably faced a worse predicament under them. If you are black foreigner, good… just don’t speak!
• Third, no price is too low. If they state a price, divide the amount by three then start the official bargain. Rise by a few coins about twice then stick there as if your life depended on it. That is the only time you can show some desperation else walk away. The seller might just call you back.
• Fourth, the early bird catches the fattest worm at the cheapest expense unless the fat worm overslept. Fat worms at river road rarely sleep. There is too much competition and remember the City Council…
• Fifth, the tourists will have to learn to be restless. This won’t be hard since in most shops, at least 10 pairs of red eyes of desperate salesmen and women will be seeking your attention. The one you choose should know that you are willing to spend but just as willing to go to the next shop.
• Six, even if you want to make the purchase, insist that they test everything. This is especially for electronics. Everything includes using the remote control, switching on everything, pressing each and every button to ensure it works as required, playing a tape or C.D for radios, checking all the settings (voltage, current etc.) Never trust a guarantee they will tell you to buy everything needed for the repair of your newly broken T.V, then change them for their cheaper rip-offs as you come to the realization of how foolish you were.
• Seven, always smile at the beginning then slowly turn that upside down until the final payment. This works anywhere in the world. At river road the seller will frown first as you state your starting price then slowly begin smiling.
• Eight when the seller pretends to call an executive to help with the purchase stick to your guns. If you don’t reach an agreement walk away. The Indian will definitely call you back (Yeah, Indians are the best businessmen anywhere in the world).
• Nine, when you are through with the deal, you must tell the seller that next time you will come back to the same place. Of course it’s a lie!
• Ten, only hawkers in the streets fix their price for some clothes and stationery. Anywhere else the above rules apply.

The above are certainly not the ten commandments but they are the Da Vinci Code of River Road. That means the tourists should handle them flexibly.

Men who were born in the 1950s referred to her fondly as ‘my ndear mbottlo’ since she was and still is the next best thing to divorcing their wives, abandoning their children and showing the middle finger to their bosses. This lady is always dressed in a gritty brown but shiny designer wear, with a label to match. You may think that she is in a class that can’t be met by an ordinary ‘peni mbili’ youth but that is miles from the truth. That’s part of her beauty-she does not speak but makes one bubble endlessly, she is ready for a threesome anytime and best of all she is bisexual! Sadly, the finance minister in his 2006 budget has yet again increased her price. She has never been this expensive before so like any normal person you seek the next better option and that does not mean shunning your responsibilities.

From Westlands to KoinangeStreet to Majengo slums their price drops. Anyone will tell you that it is more likely to get an S.T.D from the Majengo low-class commercial sex peddler than the Westlands high class one- you can never be further from the truth!!! Similar standards are applied to our perfect lady; imperfect representatives have replaced her. Now she kills mercilessly and if you dare miss death, blindness shall surely follow. Being in a country where hard licker is not regulated, the imperfects are spreading like the Asian counterfeit industry. The lady is not complaining she is still bringing in awesome profits to her pimp, as she is still the safest due to regular screening. Came Uncle Sam and his crew of bandits who were ready to prevent her from advertising her assets. He said that this would prevent us from becoming a drinking nation, which we already are, but the lady eluded him.

Alcohol brewing is like prostitution, it’s as old as man (and woman) himself. So long as there are pubs, which have become our girl next door, alcohol can do without advertising. The bottom line is, as long as we visit her with our children tagging along, then the only loss or gain (depending on which side of the brothel you are in) is going to be to the advertising agencies who have done a commendable job of making her look like a damsel in distress.

Over time, the blind have seen and do not want to touch her again. Some self-made King Mswatis’( the King of Swaziland who marries a virgin annualy) are going back to the African princesses and concubines-traditional brews. Busaa, Muratina and Mnazi are once again showing that a full figure, big bottom and full lips are in vogue. These ladies of old are slowly luring the kids we are trying oh so desperately to protect. Muratina can be acquired at the whim of a tantrum. The young do not know her seductive qualities so medicine men from the depths of the Indian Ocean close to Zanzibar add strange accessories and make up to make her more potent. Add the dead man’s love portion and the kid will be singing like mugithi’s icon Mike Rua. On the other hand, the modern era of power ladies like Senator is also available at a cheap price.

The late great hip-hop rogue artist Tupac Shakur claimed her to be his role model. With such a controversial life and after-life, one might just believe that they slept together more than once. I don’t need to watch the small screen to be urged to ‘enjoy’ her; I have my friends for that. She is sly and devious aiming cupid’s arrow at you from a hidden pothole. Even breathalyzers a.k.a fresh breath analyzers in the form of Alcoblow could not deter her seductive prowess. Maybe we should have a V.C.T for alcohol! In the future I see prostitution being legalized while alcohol and cigarettes are banned (refer to the E.U countries), so which is the lesser sin and which is the necessary evil? You are as confused as I am…maybe not all beautiful and pleasurable things should be referred to as She… since same sex marriages are soon to be the norm.