The government spokesman Dr.Alfred Mutua should never be interviewed on behalf of the government. He can even lie to the devil.

Ati the state resources being used in the by-elections were for security of the M.Ps and Ministers. I am sure it’s his job to say so but he is going to be the most hated face very soon. What other lies have you heard from him? Please comment on them. They must be making the devil exclaim, “Jesus!” followed by a hail mary.

Uchumi Chainlink of Reactions.

Wajinga wameanza ku expand tena (reopening branches) kwa sababu sales zao zimeincrease by 200% compared to before walazimike kufunga! I mean logic dictates that the re-expansion is wrong. They had been running at a loss at the time before they crashed so they should base their success on profits and not comparisons. They might end up causing a bling (Chain) of reaction by closing again as they did before.

I think they should just give themselves time before the hurried reopening of branches. I am a fan of Uchumi Supermarkets. There was a time that I shopped in Nakumatt and bought yogurt that made me sit in the loo for much of my evening. So I am expecting Uchumi to be there when I make them money by filling two trolleys. This will happen only when I have a regular job other than sitting around and jolting down stories in my blog. 

A child at the Barber shop where I frequently go to asked his mother, “Why does the barber take all my hair and does not pay me?”

A friend of mine told me that when he was a kid, as his sister shopped he was told that a sanitary pad was a cake. Guess what he asked for at home!

While I was flirting, I commented a chic on the cute polish on her nails. I was surprised when she laughed and said that her small sister saw her applying it and asked, “Kwani wewe ni malaya?”

Apparently, her dad had informed the kid that cutex ni ya malaya. I guess this was to deter the innocent young one from using the accessory at a tender age.

Yesterday, I was chilling on the balcony with a pal at home. Idle conversation was startled to life with two gunshots piercing the air then a command from two policemen.

“Shika huyo mwizi!”

Our house is in a four-storey building and we were on the third floor. The blazing policemen were in plain clothes and had colt pistols, which they were shooting in the air. They were hot on the heels of a thug on one of our many shambas we call roads Unluckily, one of my friends was on the path of the chase. He instinctively pressed himself against one of the estate house gates. The three whizzed past him as onlookers began gathering to see what was going on.

We were not willing to be newsless and staircased our way down to find out what was going on. My poor friends’ heart was beating at a rabbit’s pulse rate. When he initially heard the shots, he thought that they were tire bursts. It was until the cops shouted that he looked back and saw the unfolding drama and got out of the way.  He said he was not willing to perform a Superman Returns stunt and save the day by catching the culprit.

They eventually caught the guy but I was left wondering why the plainclothes police do not have badges or such. In a situation like that, they should have some form of badge placed on their shirt pockets or should be shouting something like…

“Police! Shika huyo mwizi!” Or since wako mtaani, “Karao! Bamba huyo jambazi!” 

If they just shout as they did, citizens will not be sure of the police and the thug. They consequently will not be wiling to help them hence as K.J of Reddykulass comedy group quipped, we cannot protect them. He said that community policing is not the cops protecting the citizens but vice versa.

Out of rule

Ja rule’s visit to Kenya shows that his musical career is waning. 50 cent and the rest of Shady-Aftermath were instrumental in reducing his hollaring debut and loud gritty voice into a simple yeah whatsup?
 

Compared to his earlier hits from the Pain Is Love album, the current singles are so far under the radar they must be using stealth technology. No one can trace them in the charts apart from the ‘New York’ collabo with Jadakiss and Fat Joe

 New York Lyricism vs. Dirty South Rawness

The hip-hop world was not prepared to have a rogue agent but Lil’ Jon re-introduced Dirty South in the scene with the code name Crunk and everything changed. Even P-Diddy’s Bad Boy record has headed south. He has since discovered Boys In the Hood and Young Joc. The latter recently opened at number one on the U.S Billboard album charts and is definitely destined for Platinum (sales of over a million C.Ds) status. Other artists are making a comeback from the south e.g E40 (remember the fatty featuring in Lil Jon’s “Snap Yo Fingers” video) and MJG. The Dirty South is now ruling the U.S charts.

Meanwhile, after the retirement of Jay-Z and the silence of G-Unit this year, the birthplace of hip-hop is looking for a new mainstream leader.  I am an ardent fan of New York Hip Hop with their lyrical content and poetry. Nas, Dead Prez and underground MCs such as Immortal Technique are always revolutionary either in style or theme. If you have not listened to Immortal then spare yourself. He is as hard hitting as it gets. Listening to him is like listening to Osama rapping except that he is not for terrorism.

I love pure hip-hop but the problem with it usually is that the MC overemphasizes on punchlines while missing a message. I would rather listen to 50 talk breezily about a gangster’s life rather than a chain of punchlines from an MC boasting about how hard he is. Kanye West is always a fresh breath because he is not gangster but still talks about real issues with original appropriately placed classic punchlines. That to me is real Hip Hop.

My ears are now honed on the next mainstream New York prodigy. Rapoose (check Busta Rhymes remix of ‘Touch it’) and Lloyd Banks of G-Unit might hold the key but you never know who will emerge from the underground. Immortal technique is too hard hitting for the mainstream.

50 Cent now has purported enemies ranging from Nas, Jadakiss, Fat Joe, Scarface, the Game, the Source Magazine etc. 50 knows money and beef to him is a source of money whether it is real or not. After the Massacre album, there should be a Genocide follow up. Every hater is saying that he shifted from hardcore to RnB singer (Candy Shop and Best Friend tracks both featuring Olivia). I am not an expert but I bet his next album will be seriously gangsta with two mainstream singles or exclusively artistic Outkast type, out of this world sound. He is no longer under Aftermath Records so he can do what he wants provided it sells. There was talk of a collabo with the King of Pop (M.J) so I think he might decide to go outlandish.

Furahi Day

I never imagined that their would be a day that I’d say this but Nameless is starting to sound artistic! ‘Sinzia’ has some pretty funny lyrics. Except for a controversial hook, it would have been perfect.

He makes Nasinzia nikikuwaza sound correct. “I feel sleepy when I think of you” is not exactly what a lady would love to hear from her man but if one says it in Swahili inatokea poa, huh? In Noninis song Furahi Day ameng’ara kuliko Nonini mwenyewe

Rihanna

‘Unfaithful’ is the new single from Rihanna’s new platinum selling sophomore album- A Girl Like Me. It’s a ballad with an enticing piano riff and unique story line. It portrays her as a girl with two boyufriends. She is out of love with one and in love with the next. The song explains how she is scared of breaking up with the boyfriend she is out of love with.

Chinese Acapella

Juzi nilikuwa nikisorora CCTV. Siunajua ile T.V station ya china. Usijali nilikuwa nimeboeka mbaya! I saw an acapella competition held at one of their cities. It was beautiful to say the least. The musical arrangement was amazingly out of the box and finely done. Normally, one expects acapella in the black community but what I saw reminded me that the world is not that big and we are all the same regardless of our differences.

Lately, I have seen many designs coming up from Kenya. People are finding new ways of being con artists. The Maasai are always the victims due to their great culture. Over time, every designer wants to be a red and its not even Vals.

At design competitions, glorified tailors are increasing the number of Maasai designs. If you can assemble a Maasai outfit artistically, your name is bound to hit headlines- not in Kenya of course but outside. Huko U.S na Euro mafans ni wengi!

Phoebe Njeri recently won a Cape Town International Fashion Award for her Maasai design. She bolted from obscurity to greatness in no time. And guess what… her designs don’t sell in Kenya since they are expensive and Kenyans are bright enough to know a fake when they see one. Hate me now!

On the other hand, congrats to Mr. Sironka in the US who is trying successfully to promote the true Maasai culture and the Kiswahili language through the village that he is setting up. Additionally, he is helping to promote the education of girls back at home through funding their fees from the cash stemming from spreading his roots to the world.

So get to knitting, it will pay!

Celtel

If you are keen on ads you must have always heard a twist in the currently running Celtel advert. Just listen carefully at the beginning when the chic speaks. It always sounds to me like she is saying,

“Hey bitch, are you coming to pick me up?”

I swear that it always provokes me into hearing that! Obviously its wrong but just pay attention next time you see the ad.

Nokia Jeans- Lebo mpya

I’ve heard that the pair of jeans in the Nokia Face of Africa ad is up for auction.

Beyonce’s African Dance

I thought Beyonce of Destiny’s Child was done after rumors that Rihanna was entertaining her man. This was not what I saw in her new video “No substitute”, the blazing single featuring Jay-Z. Jay-Z raps while Beyonce dances herself silly. In the main dance scene, Beyonce does an African dance on a dusty clearing with the wind blowing dust to one direction. Trust me that scene and choreography is as African as one can get. She jiggles her jelly as if she wants to truly throw them off to the skies, wow! And she’s in a mini something…Basically, she’s barely dressed. It’s a sweaty, dusk setting that leaves you wondering whether she got some or all influence from our real South African beauties when she was performed in the country. I think she’s about to drop a new album titled B-Day. Arising from the quality of the single and her previous album, it is destined for success. Another of her destinies will be fulfilled. Kubaff out

 Ukoo Flani

This trend setting Kenyan hip-hop group has a new single in the airwaves titled “Fyatua”. Its anti-cop stuff that talks about getting rid of stupid men in blue. I think its going to be very controversial since the chorus states something like “Kanga huyo Mbang’a” which I believe is sheng’ for getting rid of a cop. It was already rated beat of the week by The Beat Show of NTV. Please tell me your interpretation of the song. Kubaff out

The rise in child molestation cases has led to me being very conscious of how I treat little ones. I love talking to them because I get that raw innocent view of their lives that I always find vital in getting in touch with my humane side. Molestation is an incurable sickness and death is not even enough to punish the assailant. 

Every other day, there is a case somewhere. Sadly, it is usually us men. It has affected me sub-consciously for so long that now I always find myself not behaving as casually as I did around children- lest I am accused. This is paranoia that I hate having. On my part, if anyone of my unborn kids were to undergo the pain, I would probably end up in prison for the murder of the assailant. I pray it never happens to anyone.

The Nairobi Mayoral Elections just took place this week. As usual, it was a version of the 4th World War where primitive weapons will be used. The 3rd world war will eliminate all forms of technology through the use of nuclear, chemical and Electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapons. Chairs flew and an experienced former mayor Joe Aketch used his chair both as a shield and weapon. From the clips I saw, it was easy to tell that no blood was spilt since the so-called City Fathers are used to it. With such fathers the kids are bound to be worse. This has been proved by the behaviour of our exteremely violent City Askaris and rowdy touts. Hey! The “new” old mayor who retained his chain, His Worship Dick Wathika, was allegedly a tout.

  It was said that the reason for the war was that the opposition led by a Mr. Kamau saw that the balloting was not secret. This was strange since the Kivuitu (i.e Chairman) of the elections was from the Kamau Gang and the complaints arose after the voting results were announced. Apparently, Sports Minister Maina Kamanda had interfered with the elections since he knew the intricacies of Fatherhood as a councilor between 1992 and 1997. Meanwhile, after a quick swearing in ceremony, Mayor Dick quipped that he would write an “autograph” to explain his beefs while at the helm (Yeah- He meant Autobiography)  Hon. Musikari Kombo, our Minister for Local Government was quick to say that the elections cannot be annulled. Instead, he advocated for the direct election of mayors. It sounded like a long-term solution to the problem. I say ‘it sounded’ cause I don’t know what the heck he meant. Anyway, in Mombasa City a 5th world War is about to arise, all the councilors are currently pimping at a hotel. Inasemekana they are under 5-star hotel arrest enjoying luxuries while awaiting the elections. The camp is affiliated to one of the voting camps. They have already decided their vote thus cannot be manipulated hence the house…sorry, hotel arrest. They have already accumulated a 5million-shilling bill while there.  With the 4^th and 5^th world wars in motion, the real 3^rd World war is brewing between Israel and the rest of the world. Lebanon, Syria and Palestine are targets. Hezbollah and Hamas are the gangs under the axis of evil. It only took the abduction of the Israeli soldier to spark of hostilities. With the G8, which includes Russia, China, U.S and Britain discussing the conflict, let us brace ourselves! 

Is it just I or do you find using the Constituency Development Fund (CDF) to compensate the families of the bereaved in the Libra House fire kind of strange? 10 people died and the families have not yet identified a few but Hon Mwenje should not use this as a scheme to ensure that he is yet again the most popular MP in 2007 General Elections. The CDF is meant for development as boldly stated. This might begin a vicious cycle whereby all major tragedies will be CDF compensated thus the government will evade the responsibility of looking after it’s citizens through development.

 MPs know that the CDF currently is a free for all and it’s hard for them to gobble up all the cash alone. Consequently, each and everything can be misappropriated. The government must seek other avenues to compensate these victims. In the Libra case, first and foremost they must push the conviction of the managers and owners of factories who lock in their workers during night shift. Secondly, they should take responsibility of quickly suing the ownership in order to pay the victims’ families. In the incident, even one of the owners was burnt to death.

The bad side of this is the beauracracy of the government thus the case must be fast tracked. Remember the Mtongwe Ferry disaster- some of the victims kin have not yet been compensated almost a decade after the death of some 200 people. Maybe Mwenje is trying to cut through this but I don’t think so…