If you think TPF2 and Idols are on totally different levels of professionalism, judging and depth of talent then think again. The Bugzzalot Rat and Roaches Lab has been struggling to get a hold of the emotionally strung DNA that has kept Cynthia and Hemedi in the running for TPF2 and Idols respectively. The intellectual capacity of both is in doubt, their talent is in doubt and the voters who root for them are in doubt. With three ‘doubts’ in support of them our researchers were puzzled at how they managed to attract so many ‘fans’. They inevitably stumbled into the Theory of the Losers’ Circle in this process.

Cynthia is the sweet lily that somehow never dies and Hemedi is the bad boy who manages to crack us up with silly quips and actions. He can even cry and still make us laugh. This was proven when he shed tears after the food train in the Fame house was halted, Kibera style. Of course he cried like the baby he pretends to be and even drew the sympathy of Achieng’ Abura, the School Principal. Imagine if he pulled that stunt in a real school- he would probably die of starvation due to the in-born high school culture of push and shove. And he actually claimed that he is from the ghetto. Maybe he doesn’t know the meaning of the word. After all, he didn’t know what the term lovebirds means when Lina casually queried whether Wendy and he were the a perfect example of lovebirds. He also tends to have the swagger of a confused alpha male. His strategy of snapping up a girl is staying in her face long enough to magnetically induce a like pole of love in her. There’s no problem with this but don’t do it in the full view of your supporting girlfriend mtaani. Maybe it’s an open relationship.

Cynthia on the other hand has enough personality to move an audience that is overwhelmed with too much airtime to waste. We don’t necessarily vote for talent (Valerie won TPF1 last year didn’t she? Yap, I’m still bitching about it!). This would have meant the trash can for Cynthia as the razor tongued Grammy Award nominee, Kawesa said. To the detriment of his dreams, the more he disses Cynthia the more votes she gets. She’s definitely not Meg C but she possesses a comparable stable of talent. After a hot debut at auditions, she disappoints with her drunkard karaoke style of singing. She sadly manages to plough her way through to the next show and we get to see her mystic beauty in full form.

In our study, we found that these two personalities are not as slow and outlandish as they appear. They can be likened to the Mona Lisa. For some reason, most of the great generations of yore think that she was the most beautiful woman to be immortalized on canvas. By extension, laymen think that she was the most beautiful woman of that era. Any overzealous black guy can refute this with a living example of his kadogo in a high class apartment while his family languishes in a mabati 5-star Galsheet crib. So for all his hype, Hemedi knows the key to success is entertainment. Everybody loves the act of a naïve funny character. He can claim to be from the ghetto then cry for food after the next kidney release and still make it. Cynthia knows that there’s nothing more attractive than a determined bombshell. For a woman with beauty and brains, talent is not too high in her priorities. Even if she loses (and she might win…Oops!), she has a bright career ahead of her as a Karaoke hostess or TV personality. Don’t forget that the audience knows that she can design her own clad. Authentic Cynthia labels are in the offing.

So gear up for the greatest surprise of your lives in the coming days. The last shall become first! Bugzzalot presents the losers’ winners circle.

The mad and highly idle gurus at Bugzzalot Observatory have been on the prowl uncovering oddities in the Kenyan landscape…

TPF2 Drama pt.1

It was rather obvious to our gurus that Jacob would be voted out of TPF2. Not because the house wanted him out or because he was stiff competition but because he was a snob and a bore (and it’s not hard to be both!). He obviously had more convincing talent than Hemedi (who might just win TPF2…ha ha) and ranks among the best in the house but we all know sheer talent is never enough. It comes with attitude, personality and hardwork (duh!). Even Britney Spears and Paris Hilton work hard so that each paparazzi always wants a piece of them. In fact, the former made a song out of it. We have also discovered why Victor is always saved by us (the audience). He strangely resembles Z.Anto of ‘Binti Kiziwi’ fame. If you doubt it then check your sub-consciousness when you are half asleep. And now that it’s entirely up to us to choose who stays and who goes he is most likely not to enjoy a winning streak anymore especially because he refused to listen to us when we begged him to spare Feli when he faced a ‘fake’ eviction. The board of directors must be feeling really dumb for actually allowing the eviction of the Tanzanians and later claiming that it was fake. Idols must be giving them a run for their money and it’s not even a daily show on the local TV stations.

Low riding the handbag

Remember the days when chics (the current mothers) would match across the streets with handbags superglued on their sides because of the fear of purse snatchers. These days the in-thing is to low ride i.e. bag held low and suspended just above the ground by the left hand. Purse snatchers must have retired because this would be like holding out bait to a Hyena. By the way, Hyena’s perceive human arms as loose meat hanging from the human body.

I got some flask

And staying with the world of in-things, not more than a year ago everyone in the city used to stroll in the streets with a water bottle. Who new the next big thing would be the mini coffee flasks? They are apparently the perfect accessories to any young hustler who is Yea! cashing cheques (check the new Coop Bank ad campaign). They look like silver medals with black tops. The only problem is that they are meant for guys with cars which actually have cup holders (or may be my gurus are just plain haters)! They are not jewellery!

Misplaced promo

Fair and Lovely. Hmmm…the modern metro sexual male shouldn’t find it difficult to talk about this line of female products. In the spirit of providing their main clients with something more positive than conventional physical beauty, this brand held a Career Fair to sensitize young women on the best strategies to earn workplace promotions or successful entrepreneurships. The core problem is that the ad for the fair was still boring our butts off weeks after the event took place.

The Apprentice

The Apprentice Africa must be the toughest season in the famed Apprentice series yet.  The CEO, Biodun Shobanjo, built his mega client ad agency from scratch. If you watch the series then you must be familiar with Bank PHB-Nigeria. It must be operating on the same principles as Kenya ’s Equity Bank since it apparently thrives in a world with no impossibility. Like Equity, Bank PHB is known for highly competitive products and judging form the ads that we are bombarded with very minute during the program, they must be very innovative.The challenges on this season aptly reflect the cut-throat ad business with tasks ranging from branding a whole new product to selling ideas to extremely money savvy product distributors. On the other hand, the women are true Afro beauties. I have a particular leaning towards Beatrice, who is seemingly not scared of showing as much vulnerability as her strength in different situations. She cried when Kenya ’s George sacrificed himself and took all responsibility for failure in a task and thus was “You are fired”. She survived and these days she smiles even when she is in the boardroom.  Last week saw the demise of Tunde. I honestly thought that he would be the apprentice but he dug his own grave by not playing with the team as project manager. Anyway, I will still remain a fan of the series for seasons and episodes to come.

Kasavuli got sexy back

Our gurus thought that Citizen TV’s news anchor Catherine Kasavuli was finally catching up with age or is it vice versa? After leaving KTN, she started looking 40 i.e her real age but she has reversed the hands of time like Mariah Carey and now looks twenty again. May be she has a Nick Cannon stashed away at her lovely abode! It also helps that supuus (a.k.a Esther Passarises) like Lilian Muli and Esther Arunga remain in KTN. I am sure the entry of  Ms.Muli in KTN shifted attention from her ageless beauty.  

Eih, kumbe ni under 16!

On a similar topic, Otieno Kajwang has made many men happy by lowering the age of acquiring an ID card to 16. In true P-Diddy or R Kelly spirit, Jimwat should aptly make a remix to his Unda 18 hit song in celebration. Sasa so long as yeye ni over 16 una kuta…

Politicians should be thanking him and in the succession battle that has already begun, he should be vying for Presidency against Hillary… sorry… Martha Karua. Would that make Kalonzo our Obama or is it Agwambo? Anyway, our politicians have kadogos ‘languishing’ in riches in every corner of Mama Kenya , just ask our Presidents (both of them!).

I was forwarded this on my e-mail and just wanted to make others laugh… remember, these are real convos.

Customer:     ‘I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?’.
Operator:     ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’.
Customer:     ‘It was on the door to the Travel Centre’.
Operator:     ‘Sir, they are our opening hours’.

—————————————————————————————————————–
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ’Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator:     ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about’.
Caller:          ’On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’
Operator:      ’I think you mean the telephone point on the wall’.
———————————————————————-
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          ’Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?’
Operator:      ’ Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?’
———————————————————————-
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
‘If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
———————————————————————-
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               ‘I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please’.
Operator:          ’I'm sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?’
Caller:               ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off’.
———————————————————————-
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ’Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller:             ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ‘.
———————————————————————-
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support:      ’I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer:             ‘OK’.
Tech Support:      ’Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ’OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer:             ‘No’.
Tech Support:      ’OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer:            ’Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support:          ’OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:                 ‘Wow. How can you see my screen from there?’
———————————————————————-
Caller:  ’I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.
———————————————————————- ——————————————-
There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller:              ’Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator:         ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller:              ’Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator:         ‘Went away?’
Caller:              ’They disappeared.’
Operator:         ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller:              ’Nothing.’
Operator:         ‘Nothing??’
Caller:              ’It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator:         ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller:              ’How do I tell?’
Operator:         ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller:              ’What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator:         ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller:              ’There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator:         ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller:              ’What’s a monitor?’
Operator:         ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller:               ‘I don’t know.’
Operator:          ’Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller:              ’Yes, I think so.’
Operator:         ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ’Yes, it is.’
Operator:         ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ’Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller:               ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator:          ’Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator:          ’Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller:               ‘No.’
Operator:          ’Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller:               ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator:          ’Dark??’
Caller:               ‘Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
‘ Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller:               ‘I can’t.’
Operator:          ’No? Why not??’
Caller:               ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator:  ’A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller:               ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator:           ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller:                ’Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator:            ’Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller:                 ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator:            ’Tell them you’re too f — ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’

ANY SOUTH AFRICAN WITH THIS IN MIND DOESN’T DESERVE THEIR FREEDOM WHICH WAS BLOODILY FOUGHT AND WON…

A KENYAN WOMAN WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR TO THIS STORY. (I WROTE THE ABOVE JUST AFTER THE XENOPHOBIC VIOLENCE ERUPTED IN SOUTH AFRICA BUT NEVER KNEW THAT A CLOSELY RELATED EVENT WOULD OCCUR. LUCKILY, THE WOMAN SURVIVED.)

The stock business is sometimes referred to as the bull so I guess that the average stock investor is a Matador (bull fighter/killer) to evade it’s sometimes financially lethal horns. It is meant to be a high risk venture with colossal returns for any worthwhile investor. The term bullish is used to refer to a stock market that is experiencing heavy trading within the investing circle. For amateur investors like me this is a new venture, I recently managed to buy shares. It is actually a very simple affair for anyone who is interested since the minimum number most brokers want one to buy is only 100.

After the Safaricom IPO, most people who missed the offering were left wondering what to do with the money next. I was one of the guys who were stuck in this conundrum. But being the wannabe millionaire that I am, I decided to take advantage of the situation. As it stands at the moment, most stocks are losing their value except for emerging monsters like Equity (which has virtually tripled its value since floatation) and a few blue chip companies such as EABL. After all, Kenyans will always drink. Most investors actually have their cash still tied up in the Safaricom Company.

Apparently, Michael Joseph fondly known as MJ has a new crop of owners to please. This is in addition to the Mobitelea ghost. For those not in the know, ‘Mo’ stands for Moi, ‘Bi’ for Biwott and the rest of the syllables alliance. This is just but a rumor. It makes strange sense to the layman, huh? Safaricom might as well switch it’s name to Safaricon. It is however a perfect company to invest in, considering it’s trend setting profit margins. This means other companies look up to it! It’s like the MJ of music (no pun intended

 Anyway, swinging my red cape back to The Bull, the fact that guys are waiting for the Safaricom listing should motivate any would be investor to snap up some shares. For mid term investment (in this case slightly more than two years) or even short term (up to just after the Safcom floatation), Mumias would be a good bet and it’s actually about KSh.11-13 per share. Although the Comesa free trade agreement wouldn’t be good for this company in about three years (research from our professors at the Rats and Roaches lab revealed that this trade pact means that any sugar from any Eastern or Southern African Comesa country would be traded almost tax free thus spelling doom for the expensive Mumias Sugar commodity), they have a deal awaiting approval for power generation for KPLC through their molasses producing wing of business. We certainly need power with all the blackouts that consistently happen countrywide. Kenya Commercial Bank also doesn’t seem to be a bad share since it is in the process of expansion. The share price is also quite low and due to the upcoming rights issue it’s bound to be a ‘bullish’(I’m starting to fall in love with the term) stock. Kenya-Re is also bound for some greatness following their spreading into new territory in other countries. Since it’s a Re-insurance company, it basically insures the insurance companies (or somethin’ like that). The insurance industry is also shaping up and getting rid of the jua kali run ones that only eat into our premiums without providing proportional cover. Atop this, they are also working on a self regulatory authority, which can be compared to the Media Council which mans (or womans) the media.

My new ventures into Matador land will hopefully leave me with no gores and more dough!

The Theory of the Kenyan
Silicon Valley 2

My earlier posting titled The Theory of the Kenyan Silicon Valley suggested that the money making pyramid schemes revolving in our developing Kenyan world had their funds invested in the stock market. BABS also added that some powerful people were involved in it in readiness for the elections. Over the last few days, these schemes have hit the news headlines and despite proving my half-truths and half-lies there is still a gray area in the explanations from the reporters.

The government has gone a long way to state that the pyramid schemes are NOT ILLEGAL. The new moneymaker in CBK, Professor Ndung’u said that there is no law that specifically terms pyramid schemes as illegal. The former acting moneymaker Mrs. Mwatela also agreed with this despite having been passed over by the Prof since she was apparently under qualified. She ran the economy for almost a year only to be told, “Girrrl (snap snap snap) you’re just not good enough!” It was surprising that she bowed out gracefully. FIDA should look for a loophole in her defense and put the government in its place (under the people). One for Women’s Day???

I wonder why the CEOs of these controversial businesses are not known. It’s most likely because they do not want to be caught when their rotating savings finally runs out of new investors. It might also be possible that they are the top Billy Gates’ of this country and are untouchable.

It was reported that pyramid schemes are just a chain of savings moved around i.e robbing Peter to pay Paul or Waithera to pay Akinyi since apparently 82% of their clients are women. Today is Women’s Day so BABS has to be fair. In this largely unequal world where men make mistakes that can only be solved by women, at least BABS may say that our mothers, sisters and daughters are prone to a few mishaps. The rotating savings thus imply that my stock exchange assumption was wrong but wait a minute…

The stock exchange is currently in a slump. Francis Thuo and Partners stock brokerage was caught pants down (or should I say portfolios down) trading in investors’ shares without their knowledge. 50% of the firm’s investments were undeclared. They had KSh.26.6 million that was being traded in the ‘Black’ NSE Market. The pyramid schemes were coincidentally revealed during this time. Any investor worth his/her millions does not just initiate a pyramid scheme to rip off the latecomers and sit back, the money has to be cleaned out through other channels. Therefore, if one wants to benefit from these schemes then invest early before they crash (for now, its too late).

PS: Scangroup recently bought Redsky (an Ad Agency that handles Safaricom advertising and other major companies). BABS Professor wannabes think that they may be gearing up for expansion into other media such as radio and TV so it wouldn’t be a bad stock investment for the long term. If you are past retirement age then forget it!)

Zarika Fatuma seduces win with an oily display

During the weekend, I keenly watched the women’s boxing bout between Kenya’s Zarika and Bulgaria’s Galena Ivanova. What caught my eye was the constant application of an oily substance on Zarika’s forehead by her coach. This stuff is usually used when one has a cut that needs to be temporarily sealed. I guess it’s also meant to make sure that any punch from the opponent just slips past it. But Zarika was using bowls of the substance on her face until she appeared white. She definitely had no cuts so was it a tactic to make sure that Ivanova’s punches do not actually land? Whatever the reason, it worked since she retained her title. Congrats to her???? One more for the WOMEN???

HELP! BLOGGER IN DANGER

Just when I was taking comfort in my freedom as a blogger, I learnt that Kareem Mohamed (an Egyptian blogger) was arrested for allegedly posting falsehoods against his country’s rulers. Looking on the bright side, it’s good to see that there are guys who are far much brighter than I am squeezing a thorn into the Presidential seat.  Kudos to Kareem for highlighting truths amid oppression!

WILL THE REAL WHATEVERS PLEASE STAND UP?

 The ‘fake’ Silas Mugendi should be grateful that he is still alive after being held by the CID for weeks. The namesake of the real thug was held by the cops, who did not think of taking his fingerprints in order to clear him.  I saw the poor guy on TV and I bet that he is feeling both stupid and angry at the same time. He does not even look like the real Silas but he still handed himself over to the police without a backup plan. At least by now he should have learnt that cops don’t like thinking. With questions such as “Unafanya nini?” when they saw you walking home or “Jina yako gani?” when they are holding your ID card, our poor guy should know the obvious.

At last, the government has decided to clear away the filth in Dandora Estate of Nairobi. The city’s dumpsite has been harboring Matheris’ for a minute and now they are moving it to another environmentally friendly estate. Bugzzalot Real Estate Agency is the first to declare that there is real land for sale. Anyone who wants a piece of land that is well fertilized by human waste can holla at me. Just post your comment and I will reach you.

Wambo, am serious so don’t laugh.

Meanwhile, a non-existent company known as Revel International is responsible for East Africa Portland (EAP) Cement capturing news headlines. NTV’s spook, Robert Nagila, broke the story by revealing that Revel has no offices or directors but can still win a KSh. 1 billion contract to supply EAP with clinker/special ashes/ember. Apart from the weird necessity of this commodity that would prompt a “Nini Hii?” from a mwananchi like me, there is also the name Revel which means get drunk/party/raise the roof/paint the town red. Despite this info, a very clever Minister for Trade (Dr. Mukhisa Kituyi) declared the tendering process for the contract as above board. Therefore, some ghost directors will get rich from nothing. He was quick however to inform the press that it was the Permanent Secretary who told him that nothing was wrong. He must be preparing for the Revel Inquiry in 2008 when the new government under Kalonzo Musyoka starts investigating the matter. Our doctor shall simply say, “It wasn’t me, it was the PS.” I feel for women when they say that there are no real men. Ngilu for President. Another one for the women???

WE HAVE A DARFUR IN THE MAKING AT MT.ELGON. WHERE IS MICHUKI? WHERE IS THE GOVERNMENT? JUZI THERE WAS A RAID AT THE SAME PLACE THAT INVOLVED 80 AK-47 WEILDING THUGS. SEVERAL LIVES WERE LOST AND WE ALL KNOW THAT IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIME. THE GOVERNMENT APPOINTED CHIEFS HAVE RUN AWAY WHILE THERE ARE MORE THAN 5000 DISPLACED FAMILIES. OPPOSITION MPs HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO GAIN ACCESS TO THE AREA TO TAKE FOOD SUPPLIES WITHOUT SUCCESS DUE TO POLICE BLOCKADES. NOW THE MPs ARE NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT IT. IT WAS ALL FOR THE IMAGE. WILL THE REAL LEADERS PLEASE STAND UP BECAUSE THEY DESERVE TO BE SHOT?

  RE INVENTION OF RnB

Timbaland is single handedly reinventing the RnB sound. His productions for Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and Pussycat Dolls are hitting the charts with a refreshing sound. He even produced a Rock track for the Fall Out Boy. If you have not heard them then just listen to the mechanical bass of the ace producer on any one of their tracks. In his own words I can only say…it’s been a long time, shouldn’t have left you without a dope beat to step to…His own upcoming album is being excessively hyped so we only expect a wild ride to new areas of creativity.

Lamar and Jamelia are also upping the soul vibe of the genre in Europe with there new singles. Its normally rare to hear an US RnB artist praising the works of an outsider but Lamar is getting props front, back and sideways. His deep gritty voice is finding its way into women’s hearts. “No more” from Jamelia has a spirit-raising tune that interweaves beautifully with her strong voice.

 REDSAN is REDHOT

Our Kenyan Ragga King is churning out high quality videos (and music) that would make Prezzo demand his 500k back from Tedd Josiah for the “Prezzo” single video clip. They were shot in France so Redsan only has white chics as the stars of the music videos.

So who’s better Prezzo or Redsan?  One more for the Kenyan women???

Woes of a cellphone in 2027

I am done with my owner. She incessantly pushes my buttons. I think that she assumes that I was the one hit album Pussycat Dolls (PCD). She has on several occasions put me on vibrate and shoved me into her purse then within no time I smell her breath. Sometimes it’s mint fresh but in the morning, just in case I ring, I can’t stand it. I hate that although she talks to her pals through me, I can’t really talk back. It’s all the fault of my designer and programmer but at least I am not like my predecessors who could only run a Mteja hapatikani message. Currently, I can say “Good morning’’, alert her about new messages and update my stupid user about weather and such. I wish a virus infected me so that I could safely say that there is no weather today ha ha!

I heard from my predecessor that at one time my ancestors were only used to satisfy the basic need of communication. They were only meant for the traditional call. Currently, I possess he power of a 2006 laptop. This has made my owner feed me with dozens of data from the Internet. She even downloads stuff that her would make her perverted stalkers seem like angels. This is despite the predicted earthquake that rocked
Nairobi back in 2007. Dr. Owuor was marked as the prophet of doom then but my owner was so young that she thought that her mum-to-be was having a mega burp or fart from morning sickness. I know this because I am programmed to hold the history of my owner. My body is also made of recycled parts that have been refurbished to the highest standards of the New World Order.

Kenyan President Stanley Livondo recently met with former U.S President Barack Obama. Kenyans’ forgiving and forgetful nature shoved his “Make It Rain (Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne)” money incident in 2007 into twilight territory. He had literally poured money to cash starved constituents in the name of campaigns. Although this strategy backfired, the recently introduced SMS voting system was a good rigging opportunity for him. It was rumored that the 3 times Kora Award Winning Valerie (Tusker Project Fame 2006 winner) had used this mode by buying a number of her pals credit in order to garner as much votes as possible. Obama, Sean “Sir Diddy Bop” Combs and Tyra Banks are among the wealthiest people in the world. Obama had thrice topped the list of the World’s Sexiest Men. He was instrumental in founding the New World Order.

Time has changed how people think about me. For instance, my owner uses the Internet through me for satellite radio/ TV so I am the current source of zombies. Everything is wireless and smaller. While she walks in the city, as long as I am close to her swaying hips, she is totally consumed in the world that I create. She has not yet fully embraced modern technology so she maintains a removable earpiece. I heard her claiming that she found it uncomfortable so I always end up stuck next to her ear and mouth. If she cared about me, then she would use the new Pentium10 Biochip. This would be embedded in her inner ear to give me the opportunity to just chillax by her hip as she channeled her gossip to her friend on the other end.

As I fed my owner with the morning news, I learnt that I am responsible for the death of cyber cafes. These venues of Internet surfing died gradually as I became more capable of broadband transmission. VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) has developed so far that my owner now talks with her friends through the Net.  SMS is also via the Net so the old Mobile Networks have made a complete restructuring and are virtually working like e-businesses or ISPs. New Tarrifs replaced Saasa and Sema. These include Niaje, Gota, Choma, Qerea, Munju and Kumbati that add to the greeting based branding of the ‘Green’ Public Limited Company. It is now 50% owned by individual shareholders. The 2010 Kenyan economic recession reduced it to a loss making entity. There are two other Mobile Networks, which are exclusively for post-paid clients.  Blue tooth technology is almost everywhere and has advanced to the level that my owner uses me as an Internet wireless connection for her computer. I am simply glad that I am on the new postpaid network.

My integrated services are taken for granted. The i-Phone didn’t do much to raise the profits of Apple Company so right now I still rein supreme but they snatched the Video Games market by introducing the first smart card (Cash is rarely used in this era) friendly 3D Gaming Console. Microsoft is still struggling to enable me to project video game holograms but Sony seems to have the upper hand.

So you better hold on to your SIM card and be ready to see more of me in time. I am ranked as the 12^th Modern World Wonder after the I-Robot in 2015.

SAFCOM MANIA

Bonga Pints

New offer from Safaricom. For adults only, 1 beer bottle for every 10 Bonga points at any club in any town.

PS: All terms and conditions apply when you are alcohol free.

Best Billboard

On the real, there is a natural billboard at Jogoo Road just before one reaches the flyover next to City Stadium. The Safcom Logo has been grown from the ground on the slope of the ditch along the roadside. The plants were neatly rooted to form the logo.

Mr Cedo, I first thank you for being open minded about my comments on you during Tusker Project Fame 2007.  Juzi you were at Kenyatta University where you laid the vocals for a song with two of my pals. I heard it and was left in awe. You made the song sound so good that one of the jamaas is looking to re-record his verse and step up his game.

What motivates me is my life and God (not you, otherwise I’d have died a 100 times. I can only be me). I dare to live because death is too easy. I still believe that you were not the best in Tusker Project Fame not even Valerie was consistently the best. Linda could survive any day in the sunshine or rain with the hand of the devil on her throat. Anyway, as I have stated before, everyone who made it to Project Fame had mind blowing talent, it’s how you win fans that eventually separates you from the chaff!